9 “Easy” Steps to Getting Your Body Summer Ready

Well, well, well. ‘Tis the season for self-loathing and guilt while we desperately scramble to get our bodies ready for some fun in the sun.

We promised ourselves this year would be different, yet here we are, one year later (again) attempting to cram our post-holiday (yeah, it’s summer but I’m still calling it a post-holiday) bodies into last year’s end-of-summer bathing suits and racerback tanks.

Summer snuck up on me like a kid standing over my bed in the middle of the night and I’M. NOT. READY.

Imma definitely need a check-list to guide me through this shit show of things-I-don’t-want-to-but-definitely-need-to-do before venturing to the pool with my kiddos this season. So let’s get to it.

Here are all the things experts say we’ll need to get crackin’ on if we’re ever going to get our bangin’ body back this summah.

In other words, Here are 9 “Easy” Steps to Getting Your Body Summer Ready

1. Break out the shaving cream, ladies.

It’s time. We had a nice run of the “au-natural” look going for us all winter, but let’s be honest, it’s about to get hot as a MF and any extra fur around my armpits, legs, chin or nether regions is only going to make me sweat more than I already am and, in turn, transform me into an even more horrifying beast than before.

I love embarrassing my kids, but I intend to do it in ways that don’t involve me hauling their excited faces to the beach with a mom who looks like Sasquatch in stepping out of a rainstorm. But honestly, if having some fuzz is your “thang,” than screw the naysayers and you do you, girlfriend. For real. 

2. Shop for a new bathing suit.

Let’s be honest, the old one isn’t going to fit. And even if it does, you’re likely going to hate errrything about it. So treat yo’self and go get a new one. It’s almost an impossible offer to pass up when you take a minute to envision what the experience will be like.

Picture this:you, three kids, a red shopping cart and no less than 47 suit tops and bottoms haphazardly thrown into the cart because apparently they don’t they just sell these damn things in matching sets anymore!

Instead, you’re forced to figure out what solid would match best with plaid lavender, mint and fuchsia and… is that taupe? Mauve? I don’t effing know, but what I do know is the only thing I can correctly match is socks out of the laundry basket. And even that is a challenge.

Let’s make a pact. This summer, we will wear whatever the hell we want to the pool and we won’t feel bad or self-conscious about it. Because our bodies are proof that we managed to do some miraculous things like create humans and keep them alive on very little sleep and loads of caffeine. Deal? 

3. Stress Less.

Experts say the key to ahealthy bodyis to just let alllll the negativity go. I guess that means the dishes, the laundry, crumbs on the floor and empty refrigerator are all going to take care of themselves because ain’t nobody got time for that.

If anyone has anything to say about this just make sure to let them know that it’s not your fault the house is a mess, science insisted this is a crucial step in achieving your ideal summer body. Plus, you don’t need the “rage cleaning” kind of negativity in your life, mmmk?

4. Drink more water.

Coffee has water in it, right? If I’m expected to drink more water than it would be really great if someone could come up with a flavored, caffeinated version of that topped with whipped cream and caramel.

I don’t know how I’m expected to drink more water to look good when I can’t even seem to dose myself with enough energy inducing beverages in the day to make it to bedtime alert and coherent for the nonsense that is Dr. Seuss and his made up rhyming words.

5. Eat right.

Listen, if standing over the stove spooning mac and cheese straight out of the pan is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

But really, folks, it’s not like we ever get to enjoy or even taste our food as we shovel it into our mouths at rapid speeds before we have to cart our kids out the door to their next sporting event or activity.

In theory, eating right shouldn’t be that hard, but, I also want to live my best life. And nothing helps me achieve that like chocolate after bedtime. 

6. Get more sleep.

HAAAAAAAAA! Is that ALL? Why didn’t I think of that? {insert huge, sarcastic eye roll}. I just can’t.

7. Exercise.

If by exercise you mean my vocal cords while I scream at my kids to “PICK THIS CRAP UP, ALREADY!”, then yes. I exercise. If by going to the gym and punishing my body for the pint of ice cream I ate last night, then that’s just not in the cards for me, brah.

As much as I would love a good workout (really, it feels good to work out from time to time), it’s hard to do with kids at home all summer. As moms, we spend so much time chasing kids, pets, laundry and sleep it’s downright unfair our constant running around doesn’t result in a rock-solid abs.

But since we’ll have loads of extra time on our hands now that science insisted we let the rage cleaning go in the name of de-stressing, we could probably round the kids up for a walk or a trip to the park and burn some calories off while also wearing them out for an early bedtime. WIN – WIN! 

8. Surround yourself with positivity.

When my kids are out of school for months on summer break I am surrounded by many things. Typically those things include juice box wrappers, snack paraphernalia, declarations of boredom and random flies my kids let into the house while holding the door open in what can only be described as a valiant attempt to air condition the whole neighborhood.

Positivity is not exactly beaming through.

I am, however, positivelysure that it wouldn’t make a difference on my summer body because vibes aren’t what cause me to pack my cheeks with their scraps and chug coffee like it’s my lifeline as I clean the house up, kids do that. Unless positivity comes in the form of laundry fairies and overnight trips to grandma’s house – I can’t assume that is one item on my to-do list that won’t be getting a symbolic or literal check mark.

9. Stay consistent.

This one is just great. Kids, especially young kids are all about consistency. For example, my kids consistently wake up between 5 and 6 AM demanding homemade pancakes and answers to various philosophical questions they wouldn’t even be able to comprehend the answers to if I could muster one up that early.

They consistently miss the toilet when they pee or “forget” that the carpeted floor is not a garbage can.

Other than that, the rest of our day is just one big giant cluster fuck of “we tried but….” We tried to go to the zoo, but then my kid crapped his pants on the way out the door forcing me to scrap that idea before we even had a chance to pack the copious amount of snacks we would need just to get through the car ride there.

If consistency is what will bring me the body of my dreams, I’m going to need to redefine what that means in a serious way.

As much as I’d like to say I have full intentions of buckling down this spring to get the bangin’ summer body of a supermodel, I know better.

I like to say that this year will be different, but it won’t be.

Because, if I’m being honest, I just don’t have time for self-loathing and feeling bad about myself or my body.

For me, summer is more about spending time with my kids, making it through the break without all of us wanting to murder each other in the end, and doing little (and maybe a few big) things with my kids to make memories that will last them a lifetime.

If I’ve learned anything in my years raising kids it’s that, my body will never 100% be the same as it once was.

But how I choose to treat my one body and more importantly how I talk about it in front of my kids makes a difference to them.

I may have given up on getting back into those size 6 jeans hanging hidden in the back of my closet, but I haven’t given up on my job as a mom. I can still make sure that one day when my daughter has a couple of kids of her own she will feel empowered by her reflection, and she will have learned that from me.