Every once in a very long while the internet dishes up a serving of levity to cleanse the palate from all the doom scrolling that has become our daily existence.
Today, that levity is “wet yoga.”
Yoga has been around for over 5,000 years, possibly longer. According to yogabaron.com, there are 28 different types of yoga. There’s Hatha, Vinyasa, Ashtanga, Kundalini, Bikram, Iyengar, and Jivamukti, just to name a few.
You can rage yoga, goat yoga, karaoke yoga, doga, and more.
You can do it dry, hot, inside, outside, or naked. And now? You can do it wet.
In a hilarious satirical “Facebook ad” created by the chopolist community, you are invited to “hold space for wet yoga class.”
Wondering what wet yoga is exactly? Let me be the one to enlighten you. According to the ad:
“You will be completely soaked in herbal liquid.”
And it may or may not look like this:
But that’s not all. Oh no. That’s just the beginning.
If it’s serenity and meditation that you crave, this may NOT be the yoga you seek.
“There will be loud screaming.”
And why the loud screaming you ask? It’s possible it could have something to do with the genital folding.
Yes, I said it. Genital. Folding. Because not only will you be performing downward-facing dog dripping wet, but you’ll be creasing your coochie while doing it.
“Attendees MUST learn to fold/unfold their genitals.”
However, being open to learning how to crimp your bits isn’t the only stipulation. There are other rules that need to be obeyed in order to partake in the “privates” practice.
Rules such as being able to hold your breath for 33 lunar seconds (remind me again how long that is??) and not eating onions:
Do not attend if you can’t hold your breath for 33 lunar seconds.
*Please do not eat* onions 48 hours before class.
Because let’s face it, whooooo doesn’t love onions?
We’re guessing it’s the Great Horned Owl.
Who’ll just be over here. During your yoga session. Silently watching, apparently.
(And let this be a lesson to you all: don’t be distracted by the promise of a “FREE tree bark snack.” Always, always read the fine print).
“Please bring signed waiver agreeing to allow The Great Horned Owl to observe you silently for the duration of the Wet Yoga Practice.”
Wait, did someone say FREE tree bark snack? Count me in. (I’m totally kidding.)
Check out the “ad” for yourself. I’ll give you a lunar second…
Apparently, the fake advertisement has been around for a while now but has re-surfaced just when we need it the most.
Mommy’s Inside Voice posted it to her Facebook page where it has received 10K likes, 27K shares, and 24K comments.
And while the ad may be fake, the ensuing hilarity is REAL.
The people have questions. So.many.questions.
Like the obvious, how do you even fold your genitals? Because let’s face it, most of us can’t even fold a fitted sheet.
It’s a lost art…
Also, will fupa folding assistance be available? Asking for a friend…
Of course, some people won’t need any assistance. I’m looking at you all you overachievers with your origami trickery. You know who you are…
….Annnnnnd there she is.
(And this is the exact moment her meat curtains transformed into sheet curtains.)
As for all that screaming? Tarryn’s really hoping it doesn’t happen DURING the folding.
She’s not the only one.
And can we just pause for a minute to talk about how long 33 lunar seconds is? Inquiring minds want to know.
Yeah, me too?
Speaking of time, it’s TRUTH time and time to address the “owl” in the room.
That FREE tree bark snack may be a good incentive for some. But for others? Not so much.
Like so much in life, it’s just not cut and dried.
Pretty presumptuous indeed.
While the majority of commenters don’t seem to be ready to dive into wet yoga featuring genital folding and special guest, the Great Horned Owl, let’s be honest; what else are you gonna do on a Thursday night?
Plus, it’s the gift that keeps on giving:
So there’s that.
All joking aside, the reality is that wet yoga probably isn’t going to be the path to predicting your future. Or the answer to inner peace. Or the path to spiritual enlightenment. Mostly because it doesn’t actually exist. (Sorry. But also, thank the yogi gods.)
However, it IS the answer to at least 33 lunar seconds of happiness you just gleaned from reading the comments. You’re welcome.