Post TitleAn Open Letter to Simon From Tee-Ball’s Mom
- IG: @anna.doesnt.want.to
- Twitter: @AnnaDoesntWant2
Dear Simon’s Mom,
Let’s start with some good news: after two years of cajoling, bribing, and begging, you have finally convinced your artsy 4-year-old to get outside and play a team sport! And not a moment too soon; Simon was falling behind. Did you know that Derek Jeter started playing baseball THE DAY HE WAS BORN?
It’s astonishing that Simon would rather spend his Saturdays indoors, drawing quietly with easy access to a bathroom, when instead he could be swinging a piece of plastic at another piece of plastic and then running really fast through piles of dog shit while a bunch of kids chase him and 30 adults scream at him. In any event, you got him there and he only cried three times so…congratulations!
Some more good news: Your clumsy kid actually caught the ball (once), and when he did you shouted, with delight and pride, “Beautiful catch, Simon!” so now he knows that, if he continues to play well, you will continue to love him. I think he also felt your support throughout the game when you shouted things like, “Hustle in Simon, hustle, hustle!” and “Come on, Simon, focus!” even though you didn’t need to coach him because, you know, that’s the coaches’ job. But I guess it can’t hurt to repeatedly remind a 4-year-old to focus; after all, if he can’t focus on tee-ball at the age of 4, how will he be able to cure cancer in 30 years?
But wait, there’s even MORE good news! Your Harvard MBA is useful for something other than just making money (which you’ll need loads of, by the way, if you’re planning to hire a tee-ball tutor for Simon.) You guessed it – organizing and maintaining the snack spreadsheet. A few words of warning regarding snacks: Jimmy’s dad will bring donuts despite your “no sugar” rule, Ryan’s mom will bring the correct snack but only for Ryan, and River’s mom will bring locally-sourced kale chips and ghee pudding which the kids HATE. One more thing: our Dachshund, Samantha, attends every game and has an airborne egg allergy, so please tell the parents that all snacks must be egg-free.
At this point you must be wondering If there’s so much good news, how could there be any bad news??? Well, this is parenting so, sadly, there is. Simon does not want to play tee-ball anymore. How do I know? Remember in the 9th inning when he hit the ball and you and all the other parents yelled “Run to first, run to first!” even though he was already running to first? And then, despite all of his/your effort, he was thrown out at first? And then the coaches cornered him and expressed their belief that he hadn’t run as fast as he could? Right after that he threw his mitt and hat on the ground, stomped on them, and shouted “I hate tee-ball!” Pretty sure that means he doesn’t want to come back. Now, you’re a smart person, so I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to get him there every weekend. Maybe give him the “champions aren’t born, they’re made” speech? Or maybe you could bribe him with some new art supplies? Or threaten to sign him up for tackle football instead? So many good options! I have faith in your judgment and parenting skills, and I just know that we will see Simon again next weekend.