Non-Parent Momsplains How Her Kid Will Never Eat “Kid Food”, And Twitter Parents Are LOL-ing

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As if parents aren’t dealing with enough during this never-ending, e-learning, anxiety-inducing, kids-in-our-faces-24/7 pandemic, one NON parent decided to start a viral feud about a common parenting issue – getting our kids to eat.

Because, that’s totally what parents need right now, more judgment. 

Tweeter (and according to her bio, lawyer, writer and author) Jill Filipovic decided to NON-momsplain to us the preposterous labels given to our kids’ meals.

Because the concept of a “kid’s menu” directed specifically at… kids… is, apparently, demeaning? Or something? We’re not entirely sure here. 

Either way, I have news for YOU, JILL.

If you were a parent, you’d know that the first rule of parent club is that you NEVER take your kids out to eat at a restaurant between the ages of 2 & 12.

This isn’t a new “apocalypse of 2020” directive. This started FAR before the shit show virus that showed up to attack the globe. For, you know, for sanity sake.

Taking kids out to eat is utter HELL.

They want EVERYTHING. They INSIST on having their OWN meal (even though we KNOW they are only going to take 2 bites and refuse any more). They want their own drink to salivate over as they suck it down in 2.7 seconds FLAT and DAMMIT, THEY. WANT. CRAYONS. NOW!

Having a separate, obvious spot to peep while we navigate the menu just happens to make our lives a *little* bit easier when the server inevitably shows up ready to jot down our order and we haven’t even given a second of our attention to consider our own meals, better yet the kids, because we were too busy trying to stop our feral offspring from dumping sugar packets all over the goddamn floor.

So the label of a “kid’s meal” really isn’t an issue for us ACTUAL parents.

But, if that wasn’t explanatory enough, don’t worry… I have more.

You’re adorable.

I, too, once thought my kids would likely eat decadent, worldly meals like sushi, pad Thai, osso bucco and braised pork shoulder.

But, the reality is, YES… most kids (in this country, at least) DO, in fact live off chicken fingers and plain pasta.

And you know what?

If I take them out to eat, I’m just happy if I can get them to take ONE bite.

Because, more likely, they won’t and I will be regretting not staying home and throwing a bowl of cereal in front of their faces.

For the third time this week. Because between nibbles, they are def complaining about that $10 bare, sticky pasta not being “plain” enough {eye roll}. 

Listen, we’ve heard it all before, mmmmk?

“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”

“You’ll MISS THESE DAYS!”

“My kids will NEVER do that!”

I’d just like to say, anyone that seems to think they can do a better job than me is MORE than welcome to come pick up my kids and take their best shot.

Even better if you’re a person that has literally no experience whatsoever parenting. Just know, that also includes carting them around to their 309 different sports and activities (yes, even DURING this pandemic), seeking out one of their 519 masks that they can’t seem to keep track of, and navigating their 1937 different e-learning schedules throughout the day.

Just say the word and they are ALL yours. I need a break. 

And, plenty of other parents are weighing in on this non-parenting “expert’s” naïveté. 

Like how we all start out with good intentions, and some of us are even lucky enough to start out with kids that do eat everything. But, the mighty soon fall. 

But, sometimes kids surprise us. Although not in a “good” way. 

And, let’s not forget to mention kids that have texture issues, or sensory processing disorders and legit food issues and then you have a doctor telling you your kid needs to gain weight. Parents don’t always get to decide what kind of eater their kid is.  

Bottom line though – parenting is humbling, and making a statement like this is just downright dangerous. And is it bad that I hope the kid’s menu gods let their wrath reign down upon her and give her the pickiest eater that ever lived? 

But, it seems all the backlash didn’t stop Ms. Filipovic, and she was actually having “fun” stirring the pot with her non-parent “expertise.” 

You’re right. This WAS fun. *eyeroll* Because parents living through a pandemic and homeschooling their kids right now need more judgment from those who have absolutely zero fucking clue what parenting is right. 

But, I’m sure she’ll figure it out one day. And, the rest of us will just be here with the popcorn waiting for her first tweet a la the toddler years. 

Good luck, Jill. We’ll be here for you when you come crawling humbly back our way

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