Everyone has at least one friend that documents every part of their day on social media.
Knowing when and where to apply which Instagram filter for optimal results should really count as a skill you can slap right on your resume. My selfies tend to look like blurred versions of me trying to get the best angle to hide all of the unfolded laundry piles in the background.
We also have that friend that no matter what the occasion, we can’t help but want to do something a little something extra special.
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If your friend also happens to be someone who’s about to have a baby and is TERRIFIED of the idea that something that large is going to at some point make its way out of a hole that is SO. SMALL.
Well, then, we’ve got just the thing for you. Meet, the Birthie stick.
The Birthie Stick is, by it’s own admission, a way to, “bring your delivery to life.”
As in delivering an ACTUAL life isn’t enough to be in the moment, maybe I want to see my baby for the first time through the filtered lens of my iPhone? What’s wrong with that?
Or, maybe I want to live stream my delivery so my family across the globe can all tune in just as I’m about to rip my husbands hair straight out of his skull during inaudible but VERY loud and frightening wails for someone to, “FUCKING HELP MEEEEE!”
At least that’s what I think I said. No one could really make it out between all of the growling and obscenities.
It sure seems like they are targeting their marketing at influencer types who spend their days “doing it for the ‘gram.”
The back of the box highlights what’s really important and that is with this stick you will have some sic ass content because let’s be honest, “content doesn’t get any fresher” than the image of your placenta being tossed from your body onto a metal slab for safe keeping (you’re gonna dry that out and eat it, right?).
But, if you read a little further you’d find that it’s not just for influencers but for your DIYers who prefer to take on everyday tasks by way of YouTube tutorials or good ol’ Google searches.
For just a nominal fee you can access the app this stick offers, where the second your water breaks a Certified OB will pop up on screen and give you step-by-step directions to deliver the baby YOURSELF! All that money wasted on a doula when you could have had all the help you’d ever need literally strapped to your thighs.
I definitely wouldn’t fault you for thinking this might actually be a real product considering social media and (over) sharing our entire lives with damn near strangers seems to be the only way to communicate these days.
But, alas, this is just a box. And for all that is holy we say, THANK YOU for that.
I already get enough inappropriate content in my feed I certainly could do without my brother’s wife’s cousin’s daughter’s ho-ha mid-crowning showing up on my scroll first thing in the morning.
But, now that I know this is just for fun, I gotta say, I can’t wait for the next baby shower invitation I get, because I AM READY! The birthie stick makes the perfect gag gift.
And not just for the baby showers … oh, no. Thanks to this hilarious line of prank gift boxes, I’ll be set on jokes for a good 5 years after baby comes, too.
Like this Baby Shield for right after the baby comes home:
As a mother of three ages 9 and under, I endorse this message fully. Less mess does equal MORE love. And if you’ve ever been peed on or pooped on, you know this would actually make a lot of sense.
But, wait. There’s more.
When my friend calls to invite me to her husband’s birthday party after they’ve joined the rest of us on this hellish parenting journey, I’ll make sure to do her a solid by sending subliminal messages through my gift with this doozy: An At Home Vasectomy Kit.
Great news, if your scrotum blows up to the size of basketballs you will finally have a reason to reuse your beloved Birthie Stick to get the evidence of super-swollen-nutsack you’ll need for a FULL refund.
I really can’t see a risk here at all.
But, the fun doesn’t stop with at home vasectomies. There’s a gift for your mom friends you won’t want to miss out on.
I’ll keep this one handy for when I want to remind my other parent friends that I am, in fact, a chill mom despite the many times they’ve seen me lose my shit in public: Here’s the Crib Dribbler.
Who needs to get up in the middle of the night to feed a baby anymore? Give them their energy drink through a hamster feeder and you’re good to go. (Wheel sold separately, I assume).
Once baby starts walking we can make sure our friends know just how much we will miss their long lost sanity by way of a gift boxed in this hilarious not-even-that-ridiculous-joke box: Toddler Tamers.
I had a kid that liked to run … a lot. If I got this as a joke I might have been a wee bit disappointed when I opened the box to find a pair of pants and nothing restraining.
You know the kid that you’re pretty sure is going to grow up to be a serial killer because you saw him slicing up ants at the playground with a stick? We all know one of those kids.
This brilliant company has a My First Fire Kit, too. Now you can continue to encourage his sociopathic behaviors with visuals of pyromania in this pretend kit that does nothing more than “spark creativity:”
Can you imagine the look on the face of your mom friend if you gift her that?
But, when I first saw the Birthie Stick and I thought it was a real thing I was… not that shocked, honestly. Sometimes the hilarity of parenting today blurs the lines of real and fake.
I mean, I definitely don’t want any form of evidence from the time my vagina felt like it was being set on fire and attacked by a swarm of bees all at the same time. But, you do you, boo.
I think I can speak for everyone though when I say, some things truly are meant to be sacred. And a woman’s lady bits during delivery is one of those things.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun at are friend’s expense, right? After all, isn’t that what friends are for?
And if you’re looking for the perfect prank gift we’ve got them all right here: