FRIEND: What resolutions are you making for 2013? I’m thinking of finally getting on a workout program and sticking to it.
ME: Didn’t you resolve to do that last year?
FRIEND: I did, yeah, but I failed within the first two weeks.
ME: And what makes you think you won’t fail again this time around?
FRIEND: I think I’m in a better place, you know?
ME: You mean rather than staying at a Motel 8 you’re rooming at the Beverly Wilshire?
ME: Nevermind. Good luck with the exercise.
FRIEND: So what are yours?
ME: My what?
ME: I don’t believe in resolutions.
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: You shouldn’t have to resolve to do something. If you really want to set a goal or make a change, you should have the willpower to do it at anytime. It shouldn’t have to be pre-planned. That’s just Born Again Christianist.
FRIEND: No it’s not.
ME: Yes, it is.
FRIEND: It’s a new year. A new beginning.
ME: Every Monday is a new week. A new beginning. Every Tuesday at 3:48 PM is a new Tuesday at 3:48 PM. Also a new beginning.
FRIEND: It’s the power of the crowd, too. It’s very uplifting to know that millions of others are also resolving to meet their personal goals. I find it motivating.
ME: Spanx is uplifting, too. And you wouldn’t have to break a sweat. Or resolve to do anything.
FRIEND: Stop being an asshole and resolve with me.
ME: No. You have 225 million other people in your resolution buddy system. You’re all set.
FRIEND: Fine. Asshole.
When there’s Spanx, who needs resolutions? ?