When there’s Spanx, who needs resolutions?

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FRIEND: What resolutions are you making for 2013? I’m thinking of finally getting on a workout program and sticking to it.

ME: Didn’t you resolve to do that last year?

FRIEND: I did, yeah, but I failed within the first two weeks.

ME: And what makes you think you won’t fail again this time around?

FRIEND: I think I’m in a better place, you know?

ME: You mean rather than staying at a Motel 8 you’re rooming at the Beverly Wilshire?

FRIEND: What?

ME: Nevermind. Good luck with the exercise.

FRIEND: So what are yours?

ME: My what?

FRIEND: Resolutions?

ME: I don’t believe in resolutions.

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: You shouldn’t have to resolve to do something. If you really want to set a goal or make a change, you should have the willpower to do it at anytime. It shouldn’t have to be pre-planned. That’s just Born Again Christianist.

FRIEND: No it’s not.

ME: Yes, it is.

FRIEND: It’s a new year. A new beginning.

ME: Every Monday is a new week. A new beginning. Every Tuesday at 3:48 PM is a new Tuesday at 3:48 PM. Also a new beginning.

FRIEND: It’s the power of the crowd, too. It’s very uplifting to know that millions of others are also resolving to meet their personal goals. I find it motivating.

ME: Spanx is uplifting, too. And you wouldn’t have to break a sweat. Or resolve to do anything.

FRIEND: Stop being an asshole and resolve with me.

ME: No. You have 225 million other people in your resolution buddy system. You’re all set.

FRIEND: Fine. Asshole.

When there’s Spanx, who needs resolutions? ?

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