Summer is officially here! How do I know? Because I’m seeing more butt cleavage than a urologist on a Monday. Those are not Daisy Dukes, ladies. Those are denim Speedos. For shame!
I actually hate summer. But I can assure you that it’s not for the reasons you do. I don’t dread having the kids home twenty-four seven for the next ten weeks. I don’t mind the extreme heat or the fact that we have no air conditioning. I can handle the non-stop “Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?” all day long and I can take melting like the bitch with ugly heels. What I can’t take are these summer annoyances:
Were these bastards invented to drive someone with OCD crazy? For nine months of of the year, you can eat off my floors. They’re clean and ick-free. Summer rolls around, the popsicles come out and the floors turn into a sticky maze of random goop drops. You’ll also find colorful goo hanging from the sides of the sofa, the arms of chairs, the freezer handle (because no one can eat just one), and everywhere else tiny hands can reach.
We don’t have an Olympic-sized pool in the backyard. So we rely on the annual purchase of one of those pink kiddie pools found sitting in the front of Walmart. They’re economical and easy to fill. They’re also a pain in the ass. Within fives minutes of freshly filling, every stray piece of grass, misplaced pebble, and unlucky insect has found its way to the kiddie pool. Foot rinse buckets? HA! Those are used to start water wars!
We use less electricity in summer than we do in the winter. Therefore, we should not be subjected to the power outages caused by electricity hogs! When the weather dudes caution you to cut back, they mean shut something off. Conserve. Some of us like having the Internet. And running water.
Early Morning and Late Night Mowers
I understand why some people choose to mow early in the day or later in the evenings. It’s cooler and there’s less risk of getting a sunburn. But for the love of a chipmunk about to be caught in a mow deck, please wait for the sun to rise or finish mowing before it sets. That means 4:30 AM is too early and 10:00 PM is too late. Capiche?
In the summer your bra acts as a retaining wall. Sweat cannot escape, therefore it does not trickle down your belly into your shorts. That’s the bright side. On the flip side, sweat collects like a swelling lake around the bottom edge of your bra, particularly between your cleavage. Oh yummy.
I will not die of West Nile Virus. I will not die of West Nile Virus. And have you seen these suckers under a magnifying glass?!?
Here in Maine many people jog outdoors during the spring and summer months. And most of these joggers haven’t a clue what they’re doing when it comes to the rules of the road. We don’t have sidewalks like in Manhattan. Or fancy trails like in Colorado. You have to make use of the dirt shoulders on both sides of the road. Most joggers refuse to get their sneakers dirty causing near traffic accidents as cars try to maneuver around them. Jerks. Big jerks.
Oh ship! I forgot to put on my flip flops (again) and stepped onto the porch deck–a surface that has been sitting in the sweltering heat for hours. Let the hopping and cursing begin. Hopefully the neighbors are sleeping because I’m pretty sure this makes Richard Simmons look bad.
What do you hate most about summer?