Some Days I Want My Old Life Before Kids Back

Some days I think I want my “old life back.”

My “old life” consisted of sleeping in late, exercising consistently, shopping at the mall occasionally and meeting friends for drinks.

My “old life” allowed me to meet a friend for dinner or cocktails at the drop of a dime. “I’ll have a mojito, please,” was a common phrase in my “old life.”

In my “old life,” I was in the best shape of my life. I would spend an hour and a half at the gym without worry. Throw in a long shower, followed by blow-drying my hair, and I was looking at about three hours of just “me” time. Time for what I wanted to do. Time to work on just me.

In my “old life,” I did not answer to anyone but myself. I did not have to think of anyone else but myself.

I decided when I would wake up. I decided when I would eat. I decided when and if I wanted to take a glorious three-hour afternoon nap. I chose everything on my timetable.

Sometimes, for just a quick minute, I think I want to go back to my “old life.”

In my “new life,” all of my decisions center around two little people that do not know anything about my “old life.”

They believe I have always been as I am now, “Mama.”

Mama is not as spontaneous. Mama thinks about EVERYTHING. My brain does not shut off, even as I am having cocktails. “Mojito, please,” with a side of never-ending responsibility.

Long afternoon naps? A girl can dream, pun intended.

Countless dinners with friends? Not so much.

Regular heart-pumping exercise? I wish.

Waking up whenever I want and deciding for myself how I would spend my day? I struggle to remember how that feels.

It is in these moments where the thoughts creep in, and I start thinking about my “old life.”

I feel terrible when I think about it.

I am beyond blessed. Beyond. How could I be so selfish?

Then I stop and remember I am only human. It is OK to look back fondly on my old life. Nevertheless, I cannot allow it to take away from my life NOW. I cannot spend so much time looking back, wishing for what “was” that I fail to appreciate what “is.”

My “now life” is filled with exquisite moments that fill my heart with more joy than I could have ever imagined in my “old life.”

I do not wake up whenever I want. Instead, I wake up to two little people excitedly exclaiming, “MAMA,” as if I were Jennifer Anniston joining Instagram. My alarm clock never sounded better.

I take short afternoon naps, wrapped in a blanket with little hands that say, “I love you, mama” as we fall asleep in each other’s arms.

My dinners are not glamourous, but they fill up my soul more than any cocktail ever could.

I do not get two-hour exercise sessions, but I do get to chase two healthy children around creating memories that will last longer than any gym session.

You see, in my old life, I was all about myself.

In my “now life,” I am more focused on others, including my children, my family, my community, and the world at large.

In my “now life,” I am much more fulfilled because I am serving others. I have moved beyond myself. I am showing my children through my actions how amazing it feels to pay it forward.

While sometimes I think about my old life, I would not give up my new life for all the “free time” in the world.  I still want that three-hour nap, though.