Do you remember the warm fuzzy feelings you had when you thought about having children? That feeling of excitement and wonder about the journey to come? No one ever stops and thinks about the crazy things you will eventually say to your child though.
While you were daydreaming about the joy of raising children, I guarantee that you had visions of loving exchanges and deep emotional conversations. I can tell you that there are plenty of things that I never thought I would say to my children, yet I say them over and over again.
But, as we all know, there are a lot of things that don’t turn out as we expected before we were parents.
These 40 Things Parents Say (or at least I’ve said them to my kids) are no exception.
As a parent, you don’t expect that you will have to talk a lot about bodily functions and fluids
Stop licking yourself.
Did you just put your finger in your butt and then sniff it?
Why are you eating boogers?
At what point did you think it was a good idea to poop in the front yard?
Wearing underwear isn’t optional. You must wear underwear.
When you shower you need to use soap, every time!
We don’t pee on our friends.
It isn’t necessary to name your poops. Just flush the toilet.
Don’t be sad. Accidents happen. I pee when I sneeze.
You don’t have to tell me every time you fart. There are no awards for that.
As a parent, you don’t expect that you will have to talk a lot about what is an appropriate toy, and what is not.
I understand that you love your fish, but you cannot snuggle him.
Stop playing with your nipples. They will eventually fall off if you keep pulling on them.
Your penis is not a toy. Give it a rest or it won’t be able to do its job.
If you keep putting LEGOS up your nose, you won’t have enough pieces left to finish the kit.
Do not put the dog in a choke hold. She does not like that. That is why she runs away from you ever time she sees you.
Sometimes the things parents say have a lot to do with arguing about bedtime
We go to bed every night. I don’t understand why you are shocked. We went to bed last night, the night before that, and the night before that. This is not new information.
If you stay in your room all night and don’t come out, I will buy you whatever you want.
I have never seen anyone be so thirsty at bed time. Did you forget to drink all day long?
Please put your peed in pull up in the trash can. The bathtub is not a trash can.
Parents say a lot about eating, too
I don’t care that you spit that food out, pick it up and eat it. You will clean your plate or we will sit here all night.
Take your food out of your pants.
I don’t cook vegetables because I hate you. I cook them because I love you.
No one can be this hungry all the time. You have had 18 snacks today and three meals.
And parents say a lot about what is polite, and what isn’t.
Please don’t point at people. You are not invisible, they can see you pointing at them.
Do not show your butt hole to anyone. EVER! That is not the point of show and tell.
Nice girls don’t show their nipples. Put your shirt down.
I know she was mean to you, but you can’t stab her with a Lincoln log. Lincoln logs are not weapons.
Parents have a lot to say about going places with our kids, too
You have to actually look for your shoes to find them. Screaming, “I can’t find my shoes” will not locate the shoes.
I will tell you when we get there. I’m not hiding the fact that we are there by driving around aimlessly.
I don’t care that Daniel Tiger doesn’t wear pants. You have to wear pants. You are not a tiger.
All I did was ask you to put on your shoes. No one told you to walk on hot coals, just put on your shoes.
Get in the car. Get in the car. GET IN THE CAR!
Buckle your seat belt. Buckle your seat belt. BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELT!
As a parent, we don’t expect to feel like Mom is now a bad word
Mom is now a bad word. If you say it again you will immediately regret it.
Do you think my answer has changed since the last time you asked…5 seconds ago?
I asked you to whisper. Screaming is not whispering.
I love you, but go away.
What did you think the bottom of the shoe was going to taste like?
Did you really just ask me what happens when I get to three?
I will love you even if you grow up to be a dinosaur. I promise.
The truth is, parents say a lot of crazy things. I’m sure your kids have made you say some things you never imagined EVER saying to a child.
So the moral of the story is – cherish the loving moments. Enjoy the “I love you’s” and “You’re the best Mom ever.”
Because, the in-between moments are filled with “We don’t put JELLO in our ears” and “Please stop pretending your penis is a sword.”
And those moments will definitely make you feel like you’re raising a bunch of zoo animals.
Tell us in the comments – what have you said to your kids today that is totally ridiculous?
Nailed it! LMAO!
My list is known as my “top ten things I never thought I’d say”. The #1 has always been (said to my two year old standing over the coffee table where my drink sat) “please take your penis out of my orange juice”.
He is now 16 and I can say has never done that again. Thanks for inventing this blog.
Hi Nancy,
I literally spit out water when I read this comment. I have never had to say this one, but I am so thankful you shared it with me. It was hysterical. I am so glad you are enjoying the blog 🙂
Meredith
You can easily replace front yard with living room rug .
And don’t forget – why is there a frozen ball of poo in my freezer?
You’re not supposed to FLUSH the big boy pants down the toilet when you have an accident.
Hi Kelly,
My son use to hid his peed in pullups in the guest bathroom tub. I had no idea why it smelled like a urinal until I pulled back the shower curtain and found a coffin of peed pants!!!! Kids are the best 🙂
Meredith
5
I would buy my son a pony if he slept in his own bed I’ve even offered an iPhone 7.
One of my favorite responses was ” to make you ask questions…..worked didn’t it”. Now that she is 16 I’ve heard her ask this question. Cracks me up even more.
Please do not stand on the ball. (Said only to boys. Girls did not require this statement.)
I love you but I don’t want to see you until tomorrow morning.
Don’t touch/wrestle/sit on each other. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. Have said this every day of their lives. They are now 12 and 14. Yet they are always surprised when the top of my head flies off.
I actually said #19 today! And I say this everyday “The floor is not a trash can. ” and to my 3 year old daughter “stop smacking your own butt.” All we watch is PBS and I’m a stay at home mom. I don’t know where the hell she got that from.
I constantly had to tell my youngest to stop licking things….stop licking the tv, stop licking the dog, please stop licking the car windows!
I constantly had to tell my oldest to get his fingers out of his nose or his head would cave in…one night I woke up to the worst screaming I have ever heard….run upstairs and he had a nose bleed from picking and he thought that was it…his head was caving in and he was going to die! Barely calmed him down without losing it!
Never thought I’d have to tell my child “No, we don’t chew on the furniture.” My dog, yes. Kid…yikes. She is 5 now and no longer chews on furniture, just her toes.
#37 I usually say “If you want to find out so badly, then just keep doing what you’re doing.”
My favorite “you may actually have to touch your penis to point it and pee INSIDE the toilet!” “Pee goes inside the toilet”!
I had to reassure my son when he walked in on me getting out of the shower that, “no, your wiener won’t fall off and get covered in fur when you get old.”
Do not lick the shower walls. lol
My top 2… why did I push you out?!! And I liked you better when all you did was roll!!
I have twin girls that are 16 yo and a son that is 26 yo. Many times throughout their lives, I have said, “I’m going to change my name (Mom) to a bad word so you aren’t allowed to say it.