Elf Assault


It amazes me how telling a child not to touch something turns it into the most coveted object on the planet. This weekend our Elf on the Shelf returned to our home. I am positive that my 8 year old does not believe in this, but he is being a trooper and playing along for the other two. This morning while I was getting dressed I heard the kids talking in the living room. “Touch the Elf, go on, touch him” Said my daughter to my youngest son. “Throw an ornament from the tree and hit him, let’s see if he can really fly” she said. She is such a turd, always egging on one of the boys. About 30 seconds later I head a crash and they all come running into the bathroom. “Mom, he touched the Elf! I didn’t tell him to do it either” she stated. Little did they know, I had heard the entire conversation. I knew she was a filthy dirty liar and my son should be charged with misdemeanor assault charges.

We went back into the living room and I took a look at the Elf. He was hanging onto the wreath for dear life. “You know if you touch him he loses his magical powers, right?” I asked. “I only touched him with an ornament,” stated my youngest. So this left me with quite a dilemma. I packed them into the car and gave them a big dose of Mom guilt about being disappointed and why bad choices at this time of year can be detrimental to their Christmas loot. Below is my solution to the Elf touching issue. I left this note attached to said Elf.

Little Children BEWARE

Touching the Elf can cause disrepair

His magical powers and ability to fly

Will fall by the wayside and he will most definitely cry

Stop, look, and listen to your Mom and Dad

Making bad choices will make Elfie and Santa sad

Be sweet with your words and kinds with your hands

The season is upon us from far away magical lands

Be grateful and thoughtful this holiday season

Or coal in your stocking….And you’ll know the reason

*Here’s to hoping we can make it to Christmas without another assault charge.


  1. I am a mother of three and been made a grandma of four way before my time. At this point in time I find I’m going through the same ordeals when my kids were little with the grandkids. The difference is now that I have more patience. I take great pleasure in reading your blog’s and get either a good giggle or a hard laugh. Thanks so much for brightening my days. P.s. wait till your a grandma, it’s a blast!!!!


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