Guest Host Danielle – History of Romantic Love, When Should we Start Couples Therapy and the Many Ways Baby Changes Marriage – Take it or Leave it Podcast Ep 30

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Welcome to Take It or Leave It, an advice-ish podcast for parents brought to you by Grove Collaborative.

 
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Take it or Leave it is brought to you by Grove Collaborative. Visit http://grove.co/takeit and grab your “Free” gift with order.

Danielle from Marriage and Martinis

Take it or Leave it Podcast with TIffany Jenkins (Juggling the Jenkins) and Meredith Masony (That's Inappropriate)

In many ways they’re really are just an average married couple, but in some ways we’re definitely not your typical couple, and they’ve really not tried to be. That just might be the secret that has kept them together all this time; they know who they are, and do what is right for them and their marriage. It turns out that people will judge no matter what, so you really have to do what is best for you and your spouse, cause in the end, it boils down to the two of you and your connection. No one else can make that happen.

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They’ve learned so much along their journey and made so many mistakes, but they’ve never given up, and have found so much happiness in spite of all the hardship. No one said it was going to be easy, and it hasn’t been. But man do they have fun, laugh, and keep each other youthful and wild. They also give each other gray hair and heartburn now.

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Trending News – A Brief History (and Critique) of Romantic Love

Section Intro

The real work of a relationship is all the boring, dreary, unsexy things that nobody else sees or appreciates.

From Mark Manson

Section Notes

The point here is that romance and all of the weight we tend to put on it is a modern invention, and primarily promoted and marketed by a bunch of businessmen who realized it will get you to pay for movie tickets and/or a new piece of jewelry. As Don Draper once said, “What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.”

Romance is an easy sell. We all enjoy seeing the hero get the girl. We enjoy seeing the happy ending. We enjoy believing in “happily ever after.” It feels good. And so the commercial forces that arose in the 20th century took it and ran with it.

But romantic love, and love in general, is far more complicated than we’ve been led to believe by Hollywood movies or jewelry store ads. Nowhere do we hear that love can be unsexy drudgery. Or that love can sometimes be unpleasant or even painful, that it could potentially even be something we don’t want to feel at times. Or that love requires self-discipline and a certain amount of sustained effort over the course of years, decades, a lifetime.

These truths are not exciting. Nor do they sell well.

The painful truth about love is that the real work of a relationship begins after the curtain closes and the credits roll. The real work of a relationship is all the boring, dreary, unsexy things that nobody else sees or appreciates. Like most things in the media, the portrayal of love in pop culture is limited to the highlight reel. All the nuance and complexities of actual living through a relationship is swept away to make room for the exciting headline, the unjust separation, the crazy plot twist, and of course everyone’s favorite happy ending.

Most of us have been so inundated by these messages throughout our entire lives that we have come to mistake the excitement and drama of romance for the whole relationship itself. When we’re swept up by romance, we can’t imagine anything could possibly go wrong between us and our partner. We can’t see their faults or failures, all we see is their limitless potential and possibility.

This is not love. This is a delusion. And like most delusions, things usually don’t end well.

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Parenting Crap – When is it really time for a couple to go to therapy?

Section Intro

People often asked when couples should consider therapy. It’s common for one partner to be unhappy, feel disconnected or feel that their needs for intimacy aren’t being met. But rather than communicate about it, that partner may open up a metaphorical window with someone else and begin an affair. By the time the couple comes to therapy, the affair itself becomes the main topic, and its underlying causes are often ignored. The same scenario rings true for other sources of contention, from financial disagreements to sexual concerns. It’s clear that couples shouldn’t wait until they’re in crisis mode to come to therapy, but what should they do?

Section Notes

Couples should seek therapy long before they think they “need” to. Most experts believe that therapy can be an important part of your relationship. “Most issues within a couple start small and then grow in size when they don’t get resolved. This is where therapy can help, by giving tools and techniques to improve conflict resolution,” explained Kristie Overstreet, a licensed mental health counselor. “The majority of couples that I work with say that they should have started therapy years earlier.”

“There are three sides to every story: his side, her side and the truth,” psychotherapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson agreed. “An objective third party can be just the ticket when couples feel they can no longer communicate effectively.”

Rather than viewing therapy as the solution to a crisis, look at it as an integral aspect of a healthy life, suggested Ashley N. Grinonneau-Denton, marriage and family therapist.

“Every couple should take preventive measures to maintain health in their relationship, just like going to the gym,” she said. “If couples don’t work their relational and emotional ‘muscles,’ they become un-toned, weak and create more of a chance of damage being done to their relationship.”

You might also consider couples therapy to help support you at times of major life change and transition. “Getting married, becoming parents for the first time, moving, changing jobs, losing jobs, becoming empty-nesters, coping after extramarital affairs, recovering from addiction, caring for aging parents — all of these transitions can destabilize a couple’s equilibrium,” Anderson said. “Therapy affords couples an opportunity to negotiate these transitions with as little disruption as possible and to explore and honor what a particular transition means to each partner.”

And don’t discount the value of couples therapy in helping you and your partner dig yourselves out of a rut.

Love and Marriage – 11 ways marriage can change when you have a baby, according to moms

Section Intro

Marriage is a ton of work. Here are 11 ways it will change according to “The Insider” Do you agree or disagree?

Section Notes

1.     Quality time together is going to look a little different now than it did when it was just the two of you.

2.     You can become even more of a unit when you go through hardships together.

3.     Your love for one another grows stronger through the love you share for your child.

4.     Knowing that you’re a role model might inspire you to adopt better, healthier habits.

5.     If you’re both working, stress levels can run high.

6.     Mothers will often take on a nurturing role for the entire house.

7.     You’re going to have to actively choose to make your marriage a priority every day.

8.     Parenting brings out the good, the bad, and the ugly in your partner and yourself, but it’ll make you stronger.

9.     Travel plans will change accordingly, but not permanently.

10.  Your marriage becomes the example of love and safety your child(ren) depends on.

11.  Be aware that you and your spouse might lose that sense of “us,” and possibly sight of who you both are as individuals.

 

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