Last night we had a couple over for dinner. They, like us have three kids. We had a great evening. At the end of the night, I walked our friends to the door and the gentlemen leaned in and hugged me. If you know me, you know that I do not hug. If you don’t know me, this post will shed some light. I did the polite thing and hugged him, only to have my husband say, “Wow, she hates to hug people. I can’t believe she hugged you. She only hugs on birthdays and Christmas.” I tried to smile and joke it off. I wanted to smack my husband, but he knows that I am not a hugger. So I figured I would share a list of things that make me uncomfortable.
1. Interpretive dance: I actual sweat thinking about it. I do not need to know how you feel through your version of dance and music. Please. I just can’t.
2. Hugging: Don’t get me wrong; I hug my kids, and sometimes my husband, but I prefer not to hug as a rule of thumb. How about a high five? Fist bump? Hearty handshake?
3. Clowns: Do I really need to elaborate on this? Super. Freaking. Creepy.
4. Mimes: Seriously, this is not my idea of art. I like my art hanging on a wall, without a distressing stare of silent judgement.
5. Emotions: I am seriously stunted in the emotional category. I understand emotions exist, but I prefer to ignore them.
6. Crying: I do not like to cry, or see others cry. I never know what to say when someone is crying. I usually try to wait it out, because I am almost positive hugging will be involved.
7. Animals dressed as people: Please dress your dog as a dog. Why do people dress animals. I know where this phobia comes from. My mother dresses her dog as well as carries her in an infant carrier. I am positive I was never carried in an infant carrier. I digress, this is a whole post on it’s own.
8. Serious Conversations: I hate the words, “We have to talk.” I get a knot in my stomach and feel queasy. I prefer the language of sarcasm. I am fluent in derision, mockery, ridicule, scorn, sneering, scoffing, cynicism, irony, and much much more.
9. Mandals: I am adamant that men should only wear one type of sandal, that is flip flops. Please under no circumstance should you wear ANY other type of sandal. They should be outlawed and burned. I just did a Google search for men’s sandals and about 52 different types populated. I am getting hives. Please! Only flip flops.
10. Fanny Packs: Why on earth is this item still being produced and sold? Get a purse if you are a woman, or get a wallet if you are a man. Buy a backpack if necessary. But please, for the love of all things holy, burn your fanny pack!
This is the short list. I have so many other issues that we couldn’t possibly unearth today. Just know that I am a hot mess of crazy. It truly not you, it’s me.