Every couple of months I wake up wondering if I can navigate through my day.
I wake up tired, not the no sleep tired, or the tired where you know you did too much activity, but a tired that is deep to my core.
I felt deep tiredness in my early 20’s from staying up late, filling my soul with live music over drinks.
I felt a deep tiredness in my late 20’s of 14 hour study sessions for months at a time to take the bar exam.
I felt a deep tiredness in my early 30’s of late night feedings, pumping sessions, and comforting tiny babies.
This tiredness is something completely different.
Parenting is hard for so many reasons, mothering is hard for a variety of others.
I find that I get overwhelmed with the tasks, with the patience I need, with the glimpse in the mirror when I don’t recognize myself.
Not the reflection that I see, which some days is a down right a hot mess.
But the reflection on these specific days where I feel unsure if I will make it through.
Deep down I know I will. I know that I am built for this at my core.
Most days I find the patience for it all, I can walk through my day finding pieces of laughter, accomplishments, warm hugs, and fulfill all the little people needs.
But on these dark days, when my feet hit the floor – I am unsure, I struggle to see any of the sweetness.
As a special needs Mom my mood can shift my son’s whole day.
I have often felt that I don’t have permission to have frustration. The natural frustration that comes with parenting.
When I have days like this the mom guilt is a weighted vest. I carry it through my day till my head hits the pillow.
I want to be near them, take them in, at the same time I know that I am on the verge of losing myself to the feelings.
I often feel sad that I am missing so much with all the time I am away from them. Which makes me neglect that I need space sometimes too.
Today was one of those days. I didn’t have patience for the requests, for the mothering, for the touching, carrying, and cleaning.
The emotions of processing how downright hard it is has filled me with tiredness I can’t shake today.
Tomorrow will be a new day and I know this.
If you are feeling this way, I see you, I am there with you, and we will both try again tomorrow.
This post originally appeared on Peace Of Autism