Welcome to Take It or Leave It, an advise-ish podcast for parents brought to you by Grove Collaborative.
Tiffany [00:00:10] You can download this podcast on iTunes, in Google Play Music. I’m your host, Tiffany, from Juggling the Jenkins.
Meredith [00:00:20] I’m your host Meredith from That’s Inappropriate.
Meredith [00:00:26] This podcast will discuss all things marriage, motherhood, and everything in between. Please remember we are not professionals at anything you may actually need. Any advice we give, you can take-
Tiffany [00:00:34] Or leave it because it might be crap.
Meredith [00:00:36] It’s gonna be crap.
Tiffany [00:00:38] So welcome to Take It or Leave It.
Tiffany [00:00:45] On today’s episode of Take It or Leave It, we will talk mom fails, trending parenting news, toddler drama, and the top five things married people fight about. I don’t know why there’s only five ’cause I can keep this going.
Tiffany [00:00:57] Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss previous, current, or upcoming episodes like our interview with Brooke Wilkerson from Coffee and Chaos Blog next week.
Meredith [00:01:05] We are here because we’ve all struggled as moms. Anyone who says they haven’t is a big, big lie bagger. Let’s start the show with a mom fail moment.
Tiffany [00:01:15] I have one.
Meredith [00:01:16] Yes.
Tiffany [00:01:17] I mean I have thousands.
Meredith [00:01:18] Right.
Tiffany [00:01:18] We don’t have time. Here’s the thing, I have a bonus daughter. She’s seven years old and when she lost her first tooth, it was a really big deal that it happened at our house. This was her first tooth and my first time getting to act in the role of tooth fairy.
Tiffany [00:01:36] So, she went to bed and was so super excited, and I was pumping her up. You know what I mean? I’m like, “This is gonna be so amazing.” The next morning, she woke up and she’s like, “I have a question.” And I’m like, “Yeah. Did she come?” And she’s like, “Yeah, but why did she give me my own money?” I was like, “What are you talking about?” She’s like, “I drew a heart on the back of this $10 bill and there’s a heart on the back of this $10 bill and I was like, “Wow.”
Tiffany [00:02:06] Because what had happened was I didn’t have any cash. You know what I mean? I was unprepared. I actually stole her own money, just for the night, I was gonna pay her back. I covered it in glittery nail polish. I was like, “This is gonna be so awesome. She’ll never know.” I was totally gonna get her after I went to the ATM. I didn’t realize she had personalized it. I had to make up an elaborate lie about … I don’t even remember what I said.
Tiffany [00:02:32] “Oh, the tooth fairy must’ve known you like to draw hearts and so she did that for you. Your welcome.” I was busted. I had to come up with lies on the fly. The next time she lost a tooth I totally forgot to even do it and I’m like, “It’s probably ’cause your room was messy, she couldn’t find her way to your pillow.” I’m the worst. I thought I was gonna be really great at it but I’ve ruined it almost every single tooth so far.
Meredith [00:02:59] Here’s the thing. Let me reassure you. I don’t think I’ve ever given any of my own money to my kids when they’ve lost teeth. I’ve always stolen their money and given it back to them because let’s be honest, who has cash? Who has cash? What do you do? You go into the piggy bank, you steal the money, you place it under their pillow, it goes back in their piggy bank-
Tiffany [00:03:22] Are you serious?
Meredith [00:03:23] Every time.
Tiffany [00:03:24] That makes me feel so much better.
Meredith [00:03:26] Every time. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever given … well, ’cause here’s what … I’d have to write the kid a check. Right? I’d be like, hang on, let me get my purse. Okay? Then they’ll be like, “Mom, why does the tooth fairy have your name and address?
Tiffany [00:03:40] Oh my gosh.
Meredith [00:03:40] Who has cash?
Tiffany [00:03:41] That’s what I’m saying and at most times you’re not planning for a tooth to fall out. You know what I’m saying?
Meredith [00:03:46] Right. No, I completely agree. You’re absolutely not alone.
Tiffany [00:03:51] Wow.
Meredith [00:03:51] I really wouldn’t stress that one. You covered it.
Tiffany [00:03:55] Thank you. I’m not sure-
Meredith [00:03:55] You covered it.
Tiffany [00:03:57] She looked at me with a side eye. I don’t think I convinced her.
Meredith [00:04:00] Yeah. Well, what are you gonna do? Here’s the thing, okay? Just … come on, kids.
Tiffany [00:04:05] Quit losing your teeth, at least.
Meredith [00:04:06] They’re like sharks, okay? How many teeth you have in there and why do they keep falling out? Brush them better.
Tiffany [00:04:13] That’s what I’m saying.
Meredith [00:04:15] You know.
Tiffany [00:04:15] Quit wiggling it.
Meredith [00:04:15] Rocky, rotten, ganky tooth. Get out of here. I don’t know. Don’t get me started on the tooth fairy ’cause I got some serious gripes with her. Among with some other celebs you might have heard of like the Easter bunny and Santa Claus, I have some major gripes, okay?
Tiffany [00:04:31] Yeah, Real quick PSA to the moms who are giving their kids $20 a tooth, can you please pump your brakes? Because my kid comes home and is like, “Sarah got $25 and an Amazon gift card for losing her tooth and I got a dirty toothbrush.” Can you just chill?
Meredith [00:04:47] I agree. I agree you do need to slow your roll. I’ve actually given quarters in a bag. It’s like, “What happened?” It all spends the same. Get out of here, all right? Today’s trending parenting news is brought to you by Grove Collaborative.
Tiffany [00:05:05] I have another joke for you this week. It’s better than last time.
Meredith [00:05:09] I don’t … I don’t … I want to believe you.
Tiffany [00:05:11] What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Meredith [00:05:14] What?
Tiffany [00:05:16] Squash. Get it? ‘Cause it falls and then squishes. Squash.
Meredith [00:05:19] That’s … that’s terrible.
Tiffany [00:05:21] Okay.
Meredith [00:05:21] Thank you, Tiffany.
Tiffany [00:05:22] Yeah, you’re welcome. How do you know when it’s officially Fall? For some people, it’s the changing leaves or the first day of school. For me, it’s the return of Mrs. Meyers Fall Scents like mum and apple cider.
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Meredith [00:06:15] In trending parenting news today, we’re gonna talk about a topic that is not necessarily new but it has resurrected itself. It has risen. I was kind of aghast a bit at this, not because it was new but because I thought it was God, and dead, and buried, and it’s not.
Meredith [00:06:36] Here’s a thing, the placenta is miraculous as stated by many, many, many celebrities, websites, gurus, shaman, you name it, people are promoting the placenta. When I say they’re promoting the placenta, I’m saying what their saying is after you deliver the baby, you deliver some other things called afterbirth. It’s yucky but the placenta has been saved and prepared in many different forms to be eaten by the mother after birth.
Meredith [00:07:11] Can I get a feeling from you?
Tiffany [00:07:12] I’m speechless, clearly. Listen, I don’t judge, first of all. I just don’t understand. I would like to understand what … okay, do they … is it like, do they take it and grill it? Is it like you cook it?
Meredith [00:07:29] Like a backyard barbecue?
Tiffany [00:07:31] How does this work?
Meredith [00:07:32] Well, I think there are many different ways that it can be prepared. The fact that I just said prepared and placenta, kinda-
Tiffany [00:07:38] Yeah.
Meredith [00:07:38] I don’t know. Here’s the thing that gets me about this, it’s part of your body. You grew it and made it.
Tiffany [00:07:45] Yeah.
Meredith [00:07:46] Like an organ. But what they’re saying is that it’s chockfull of hormones and all sorts of stuff, so what the belief is is that if you eat it, people believe that it can cure different things or do different things.
Tiffany [00:07:59] Okay.
Meredith [00:08:01] There is no … here’s the thing about this, there is no proven medical statistic that states that it is beneficial but people are doing it. When I say people are doing it, most recently January Jones, several of the Kardashian women, Gaby Hoffmann, Holly Madison, Mayim Bialik, Samantha Bee, Alicia Silverstone, Tamera Mowry. These are celebrities that are in the … big time celebrities.
Tiffany [00:08:30] Right.
Meredith [00:08:30] They are eating their placenta. Many of whom have decided to eat it via being freeze-dried and put into pill form.
Tiffany [00:08:39] Okay, I could do that probably. I could if it was in a pill form and I just had to swallow it and I didn’t have to chew it and taste it, I feel like I could do that if it had benefits. Clearly, they’re doing it so why are they doing it if there’s no-
Meredith [00:08:53] They’re saying that people believe preparing the placenta and eating it in pill form will help prevent post partum depression.
Tiffany [00:09:01] Oh, I should’ve had some. See.
Meredith [00:09:02] They do, however, say this OB-GYN says, “We don’t have any good conclusive evidence that it ever even does that.”
Tiffany [00:09:10] Well, I-
Meredith [00:09:11] I don’t know. I don’t know.
Tiffany [00:09:13] Do you think it might have a placebo effect? If they think that by taking it, it helps with their depression I’m all for it if that’s the case.
Meredith [00:09:24] That could be. But here’s the thing, I wanna take a caller and I wanna know if anybody out here has eaten their placenta.
Tiffany [00:09:30] Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Meredith [00:09:31] If you have or if you know someone who has, I’d like to know why you did it.
Tiffany [00:09:36] We’re not judging.
Meredith [00:09:37] No. No, no, no, no. Look, you wanna eat a placenta. I mean, eat your own placenta. But if you wanna eat a placenta, eat a placenta. I’m just saying that scientifically, they have not proven this to be something that has benefits or whatever. I’m just saying call in, tell us.
Tiffany [00:09:56] It says it could be harmful.
Meredith [00:09:58] Yeah, we’ll get to that.
Tiffany [00:10:00] Sorry.
Meredith [00:10:00] Yeah. No, no, no. You’re right.
Tiffany [00:10:02] I get nervous every time I see anything medical I’m like, “Oh, forget it.” Would never … WebMD says it’s bad.
Meredith [00:10:08] WebMD. I’ve googled it. Yeah. No, no, no. Call in and tell us if you know anybody or if you’ve eaten a placenta. I’m just curious to know because I don’t know if more people are doing it or if it’s just because some of these high profile celebrities have been that it’s back in the news. But people are saying that they’re doing it so I find it … I don’t know. I find it interesting. But we can talk while we wait for a caller, we can talk about that.
Meredith [00:10:33] One of the OB’s who wrote this article said that if the baby developed any type of infection while in utero, that passes on to the placenta. Then if you do eat it, you could get something like strep or another type of infection if you ingest it-
Tiffany [00:10:49] Syphilis, E. Coli, Toxoplasma gondii, or Zika virus.
Meredith [00:10:54] Toxoplasma gondii.
Tiffany [00:10:57] Yeah, you know exactly what that is.
Meredith [00:10:58] I don’t but it sounds terrible.
Tiffany [00:11:03] Okay. There’s all kinds of natural things going on that maybe the technical, medical professionals don’t think works but a lot of people who are naturally holistic believe it. I technically tend to believe in things that maybe your typical medical people don’t. I’m into crystals and weird stuff like that because I feel like it has healing properties. I can understand how somebody might think this works as well. I couldn’t mix it up in a shake and drink it in the morning. I could totally do a capsule.
Meredith [00:11:37] We are gonna be talking to Samantha who’s in England.
Tiffany [00:11:40] Ooh.
Meredith [00:11:41] Get outta here.
Tiffany [00:11:42] What time is it?
Meredith [00:11:42] You’re across the pond. Hello.
Meredith [00:11:46] Samantha, what time is it in England?
Samantha [00:11:48] I live in Georgia now but I’m from England.
Meredith [00:11:51] Oh, she lives in Georgia but she’s from England. She has a delightful British accent. Welcome, Samantha.
Samantha [00:11:57] I grew it myself.
Meredith [00:11:58] You did? All right. Tell us. Tell us, tell us. Did you eat your placenta?
Samantha [00:12:04] I’ve encapsulated it twice.
Meredith [00:12:07] Ah!
Tiffany [00:12:07] Give us the deets.
Meredith [00:12:08] Yes, tell us everything.
Samantha [00:12:11] I gave it to a lady in [inaudible 00:12:13], comes back to me in pills.
Meredith [00:12:17] Very interesting.
Samantha [00:12:18] I will take them three or four times a day. Increased milk supply-
Meredith [00:12:23] Really?
Samantha [00:12:24] [crosstalk 00:12:24] depression, bleeding stops within a couple of weeks-
Meredith [00:12:28] What?
Samantha [00:12:28] They’re amazing.
Meredith [00:12:29] Wow.
Tiffany [00:12:32] Have you ever-
Samantha [00:12:32] I like them.
Tiffany [00:12:33] Not done it? Do you have-
Samantha [00:12:35] Yes. I didn’t do it with my first baby.
Meredith [00:12:38] Oh, listen to this. You didn’t do it with the first. You’ve done it with the second and the third. You’re saying that by taking the placenta in pill form, you increased your milk supply, and it stopped the bleeding earlier than with your previous child?
Samantha [00:12:53] Yes.
Meredith [00:12:54] Wow.
Tiffany [00:12:55] Wow.
Samantha [00:12:55] It’s amazing. I still have them in my freezer for when I go through the menopause.
Meredith [00:13:00] Shut up. Your placenta’s gonna last in the freezer until then?
Samantha [00:13:05] I hope so.
Meredith [00:13:08] Okay. Here’s the thing. Can you, and maybe this is a question that we can’t answer but it’s … now I’m thinking.
Tiffany [00:13:16] It’s too late.
Meredith [00:13:17] Here’s my question, could you use the placenta … if you wanted to have another baby, could you use those again?
Samantha [00:13:26] They told me I couldn’t use the ones from the last baby with the next baby.
Meredith [00:13:29] Okay.
Tiffany [00:13:29] Interesting.
Samantha [00:13:32] It has to be the baby’s placenta.
Meredith [00:13:35] It has to be that baby’s placenta … ’cause it’s yours. You shared it.
Samantha [00:13:38] I’m about to have another baby so we’re gonna do it again.
Tiffany [00:13:40] Oh my gosh, congrats!
Meredith [00:13:42] Can I ask … we’re talking about placenta so I’m gonna ask. How much does it cost to capsulate your placenta?
Samantha [00:13:50] My first one was done at England, it was about 150 pounds. My second one was done here in Georgia, it was about $120.
Meredith [00:13:58] Oh, that’s not bad at all. 120 bucks-
Meredith [00:14:01] No. I dropped that walking into Target before I even get to the register.
Meredith [00:14:06] Okay. All right, very interesting. You’re saying loved it, doing it again, gonna have the fourth baby, placenta all the way?
Samantha [00:14:16] Yes, ma’am.
Meredith [00:14:16] Oh, that’s awesome. Thank you so much for calling in.
Tiffany [00:14:19] Yeah, thank you.
Samantha [00:14:22] Thanks for talking about it.
Meredith [00:14:24] I’m telling you, we love talking trending news ’cause I’m so interested in what people have to say about this or think about it, and plus I didn’t even … this article did not mention any of the things that you mentioned.
Tiffany [00:14:37] No.
Meredith [00:14:38] I have news for you from somebody who had an extremely difficult time breastfeeding and had very low milk supply, had you told me eat this placenta and your milk supply’s gonna increase, I’d had been there, eaten placenta. And I’m not somebody-
Tiffany [00:14:50] Wow.
Samantha [00:14:50] They’re amazing, magic pills.
Meredith [00:14:52] I’m telling you because I had a really hard time breast feeding, I was not good at it. Thank you so much for calling in, that’s very interesting.
Samantha [00:15:01] Well, thanks for talking to me.
Meredith [00:15:02] All right. Have a great day!
Tiffany [00:15:03] Bye.
Samantha [00:15:04] You too. Bye.
Meredith [00:15:04] Okay.
Tiffany [00:15:07] So what do you think now? Has that swayed you at all?
Meredith [00:15:09] Well, it would be weird if I ate a placenta now.
Tiffany [00:15:13] Right.
Meredith [00:15:14] Because I’m not gonna have anymore babies.
Tiffany [00:15:16] Right. But your thoughts so?
Meredith [00:15:18] If you told me that it would help my thinning hair, I might eat a placenta.
Tiffany [00:15:21] Oh, yeah.
Meredith [00:15:22] ‘Cause I’ve got terribly thinning hair.
Tiffany [00:15:25] I’d be snorting placenta.
Meredith [00:15:25] Yeah. I have news for you ’cause that’s something … but I think that’s really, really interesting.
Tiffany [00:15:30] Especially ’cause she had something that compare it to. If she didn’t then I might be like, “Oh, well it might be in her head.” But-
Meredith [00:15:36] Agreed, a hundred percent. Because that is … she knew how she felt after baby one. Now two and three, and she’s gonna do it again for four.
Tiffany [00:15:44] I wonder how people make the decision though. I didn’t hear anything about this so at what point are they, “I know that that’s what I’m gonna do with my placenta.” You know what I mean?
Meredith [00:15:53] Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s very interesting. I don’t know. It’s very interesting. I think that was good. I think we’re good on placenta talk.
Tiffany [00:16:04] I wanna talk about it forever. This is-
Meredith [00:16:07] Yeah, I think we’re good on placenta talk in the sense that it’s definitely something that is being done. Celebrities are doing it which make it more high profile so people will talk about it. I think that, like you said, naturalists or probably herbalists or people who believe more in the holistic healing have probably been doing it for much longer, and it just wasn’t mainstreamed.
Tiffany [00:16:29] Right.
Meredith [00:16:29] That’s what I think.
Tiffany [00:16:31] Interesting.
Meredith [00:16:32] I don’t know. Is there anything we can eat for thinning hair? Does anybody know out there?
Tiffany [00:16:36] Yeah, for real.
Meredith [00:16:37] ‘Cause I have news for you. I was Googling via Hair Club For Men, not kidding, but for women and trying to figure out, “This is cost effective.” And I looked and it was not.
Tiffany [00:16:47] I went to a hair thinning specialist.
Meredith [00:16:50] Did you?
Tiffany [00:16:50] I paid a lot of money to talk to a professional. What can we do?
Meredith [00:16:54] What was-
Tiffany [00:16:55] Apparently, it’s inside. There’s nothing you can rub on your scalp to make it magically grow. There’s stuff that you could do that can try to help but for the most part, you have to get a laser cap put on and you have to do it three times a day where it shoots little, mini lasers to stimulate your hair follicles from the inside out, I guess. It’s a lot of money so I was like, “I’ll just deal with it.” I’ve been coloring my roots and with eye shadow for a long time, it’s depressing.
Meredith [00:17:23] It is depressing but you know what? I’ve never had good hair but I can tell you after kids, it’s gotten-
Tiffany [00:17:29] Yeah.
Meredith [00:17:29] Way worse.
Tiffany [00:17:31] Same.
Meredith [00:17:31] Samesies.
Tiffany [00:17:32] They’re worth it. But still, it would be nice to be able to do a hair flip and not worry about bald spots.
Meredith [00:17:37] Yeah. Sometimes when I’m getting ready to shoot a video I’m like, “Oh, not that way.”
Tiffany [00:17:41] Yes.
Meredith [00:17:41] You can see right into my middle scalp so it’s like, “Let me just fluff that over.” You know?
Tiffany [00:17:46] That is my life.
Meredith [00:17:48] I know. I don’t know, man. It’s not good but I do … I feel like … ’cause it was acceptable when my husband went bald. Right? It was acceptable. But here’s why, because it just … it happens, right? But it’s absolutely not gonna be acceptable because as a woman, that is something that really stresses women out.
Tiffany [00:18:07] Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Meredith [00:18:07] I’m telling you, I’m here to let you know thinning hair sucks. I have been Googling the crap out of it lately.
Tiffany [00:18:14] Me too.
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Tiffany [00:19:04] All right. Moving on. Today we are going to be talking about toddlers. It’s just something that hits very close to home. Some days they’re turds, some days they’re terrific. It’s very true. I was … it’s interesting as I was gonna make a video about this, about the contradictions of parenting, how one minute you feel one way and then another minute you feel another way.
Tiffany [00:19:28] I Googled it to see if anybody had talked about it. Your face popped up on Google immediately ’cause you did a video about this. It’s so tricky with toddlers because they are the cutest, most innocent, sweet little angels. And then in the next breath, they’re punching you in the eye ball and peeing on your leg. It’s really confusing and stressful. I often wonder if my toddler’s behavior, like his normal, because I kind of compare my kid to other kids.
Tiffany [00:19:59] For example, my daughter, she’s like a bully sometimes, legitimately. She will scream no while pulling my hair, what’s left, out of the root. I’m like, “Man, I wonder if this is normal.” I Google it and you can’t find any information out on the internet. I’m always wondering if what she’s doing is normal or if there’s something more I should be doing, if there’s a different way to handle it. I’m always really confused ’cause clearly if you have a toddler, it means they’re new to life. Chances are, you haven’t been a parent forever and ever. You’re still kind of trying to figure it out.
Tiffany [00:20:37] I often wonder, what do other people do in this situation? If your kid throws a temper tantrum in the middle of Target, which happens often. I immediately start to sweat because I feel everybody’s eyes on me. I’m like, what would they do in this situation? Would they yell at the kid? Would they calmly get on their knees and talk eye level? What would they do?
Tiffany [00:20:59] I never know what the right move is and it stresses me out, wondering what other people do in certain situations. I don’t know if anybody else compares themselves to what other people are doing but I never know what’s right.
Meredith [00:21:14] I’ll just jump in here and tell you that comparison parenting is extremely dangerous. Don’t do that because every kid is so different that you can’t. You can’t compare. Just don’t, just stop. Everybody in here who’s comparison parenting, stop, ’cause you can’t even do it with your own kids. You can’t say … here’s the thing. My first child, if I looked at him sternly he would immediately put himself in a timeout.
Tiffany [00:21:49] What?
Meredith [00:21:49] Immediately. He would say, “I’m so sorry I did that.” And he’d go and he’d sit in his room. As a 15-month old, “Sorry, Mommy. I’m gonna put myself in timeout.”
Tiffany [00:22:01] No.
Meredith [00:22:01] Oh, yes. He did. Here, here, here. My first child also taught himself to potty train, wasn’t me. He just looked at me and said, “I’m done peeing in this diaper now, Mommy. I will use the toilet.” And he potty trained … I thought I was the best parent ever, Tiffany, until I had my second child. And then I realized, hell hath no fury like a daughter who wants to kill a mother.
Tiffany [00:22:26] You’re like, “This is great. I could have 10 more of these.”
Meredith [00:22:30] I was like … you don’t even know. I’m the best parent ever and nobody can compare to me. And then I had Sophia. Sophia lit the earth on fire. She was so difficult … she was the most difficult toddler on the planet. You can’t comparison parent because not even my kid to your kid but even your own kids to each other.
Tiffany [00:22:53] Right.
Meredith [00:22:53] Don’t do that. Let’s take a caller. Somebody give us a toddler problem that you’re currently having, and we’ll try our best to give you non-crappy advice on how we handle it or whatever ’cause what-
Meredith [00:23:00] … To give you non-crappy advice on how we handle it or whatever. ‘Cause what I can tell you is that I don’t agree with comparison parenting but asking others how they handle situations, I think, is very helpful.
Tiffany [00:23:10] Yes.
Meredith [00:23:12] So what you were saying about how would you handle a tantrum in Target-
Tiffany [00:23:16] Yeah.
Meredith [00:23:16] I could give you my advice and you could listen to eight or 10 other people and then you could formulate a plan all your own.
Tiffany [00:23:22] Right.
Meredith [00:23:22] Right. But I mean I would not … comparison parenting is difficult so just asking for advice I think is the best way to survive.
Tiffany [00:23:32] But if you’re asking for advice, wouldn’t that, in a weird way, be comparing what you do to somebody else?
Meredith [00:23:40] Well when I say comparison parenting, I’m saying that there’s no steadfast line.
Tiffany [00:23:45] Okay.
Meredith [00:23:45] So you can’t say, “Well, my daughter walked at 12 months so yours is wrong because she didn’t.”
Tiffany [00:23:50] Right, okay.
Meredith [00:23:50] So that’s what I’m saying by comparing. So, don’t think that there’s a hard, fast rule ’cause there’s not a single hard fast rule in parenting other than the love you have for your child.
Tiffany [00:24:01] Right.
Meredith [00:24:02] It’s the only hard fast rule, right? You can’t love them any more. That’s the only thing. Everything else is just up for grabs. And a legit shit show.
Tiffany [00:24:11] I often like wish I had Nanny 911 on speed dial.
Meredith [00:24:15] You know, I watched that show, I did.
Tiffany [00:24:17] I did too and I didn’t really care because I didn’t have kids but now I get it, now I’m like, “What would she do?”
Meredith [00:24:22] Yeah. Nanny.
Tiffany [00:24:24] Alright, we got a caller.
Meredith [00:24:25] Nanny, where are you, nanny?
Tiffany [00:24:25] Alright, so we are gonna talk to Britney from Florida. That’s where we’re from.
Meredith [00:24:30] What?
Tiffany [00:24:31] Hey, Britney. She has three kids.
Tiffany [00:24:33] Hello, welcome.
Britney [00:24:35] Hello.
Tiffany [00:24:36] How’s it going?
Meredith [00:24:37] Hey, girl. Hey.
Britney [00:24:38] I’m so excited, I never thought I’d get through.
Meredith [00:24:42] You’re through, you’re in. What’s the word? What’s going on?
Britney [00:24:46] Well, I have three kids. One is my stepson who’s 12, my bonus child. And then I have a three-year-old and a two-year-old.
Tiffany [00:24:54] Oh, same.
Meredith [00:24:54] Yeah, you guys are samesies.
Britney [00:24:57] Yes. And my three-year-old is like that perfect little calm baby. He was nice, he was good, you know, so I was like this is easy, this is great. And then I had my daughter.
Meredith [00:25:09] Dun-dun-dun.
Britney [00:25:12] Complete monster, you know, beating up her big brother, just you know, and I just learned every child is different. What I do for him does not work for her.
Tiffany [00:25:22] Right.
Britney [00:25:22] Like I cannot parent them the same.
Tiffany [00:25:24] Right.
Britney [00:25:25] You have got to learn what each child specifically needs. And there’s nothing wrong with her, it’s just her personality. She’s hyper, fun and just wants to do her own thing. She’s strong-willed.
Meredith [00:25:35] What would you say is the thing that drives you insane the most with your daughter in terms of her toddler behavior? That would be toddler specific. ‘Cause I’m picturing one thing that my daughter used to do that drove me up the wall. What would yours be?
Britney [00:25:54] Honestly, it’s looking at me straight in the face and telling me no. She thinks it’s funny and then she goes like, “No way.” And she’d get so excited about it and I’m like, “That’s not funny.” Like no, to stop, no.
Meredith [00:26:09] Yeah.
Britney [00:26:09] Absolutely not.
Meredith [00:26:12] That’s a tough one because that’s the other thing about toddlers. It’s like they have no F’s to give so when you are talking with them and you’re like, “I need to change your diaper. I need you to lay down.” And she’s just like, “No,” and off they go running with a trail of poop farts in the air.
Britney [00:26:28] Yes. She’s totally in that stage where changing her is like impossible.
Meredith [00:26:31] Yeah.
Britney [00:26:32] She wants to run around naked like a free bird.
Meredith [00:26:34] Yup. Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.
Britney [00:26:35] Diaper comes off. If she doesn’t have a onesie on, but she’s have no interest in potty training either. I’m like, “You have to have one or the other, kid.”
Meredith [00:26:41] That’s true and potty training is … oh my gosh, potty training.
Britney [00:26:45] And it’s so hard for each … ’cause they’re so different, too, with boys and girls. They’re not the same at all.
Meredith [00:26:51] So, you’re three-year-old is potty trained and the two-year-old isn’t? You have one in diapers?
Britney [00:26:56] Yes.
Meredith [00:26:56] Tiff, how many do you have in diapers?
Tiffany [00:26:59] Half of one.
Meredith [00:27:01] Half of one?
Tiffany [00:27:02] Yeah, we’re working on it with the two-year-old. She does really great but she did pee her pants in Walmart the day before yesterday.
Meredith [00:27:08] Uh-huh.
Tiffany [00:27:08] We had to ride home naked. I didn’t know what to do because she was covered in pee.
Meredith [00:27:12] Yeah.
Tiffany [00:27:12] So I was like, we’re just taking these off. It’s fine and then I left them in the car overnight ’cause I forgot. I had bags of fun stuff and then-
Meredith [00:27:19] Right.
Tiffany [00:27:20] The next morning for school, it smelled like pee. But when you say that your daughter was looking you in the eye and saying no, I can relate to that on a spiritual level and I’ll be like, “Did you just say no?” And then she’ll giggle and it’s so cute that I’m like, “You gotta stop. You have to say yes when I tell you to do something. But you’re so cute, it’s so confusing.”
Britney [00:27:42] It is very confusing ’cause my husband says that, too. He’s like, “You’re too nice to her.” I was like, “But just look at her.”
Tiffany [00:27:45] I know.
Britney [00:27:45] How can you not?
Tiffany [00:27:46] Yes, I have such a soft spot for my two-year-old. I could never … she can’t ever legitimately be in trouble. She just gives me a little smirk and I’m like, “Come here. You can light the house on fire. I love you so much.”
Meredith [00:27:58] Here’s the matches, sweetheart. Oh my gosh. Well, thank you so much, Britney, for calling in. We really appreciate that you took the time to share.
Britney [00:28:08] Thank you. I’m on the wrong part of Florida. I’m on the western panhandle though but hopefully some time I’ll be down there near y’all.
Tiffany [00:28:14] Yes.
Meredith [00:28:15] Okay, all right. Well, you never know where one of us will pop up on tour somewhere maybe some day.
Tiffany [00:28:20] That’s right. We’re gonna be-
Meredith [00:28:20] Eyes peeled.
Tiffany [00:28:22] Have a great day, Britney. Thank you.
Britney [00:28:23] Thank you.
Meredith [00:28:24] How toddlers … that video that I did was called Motherhood is Complicated, and it was exactly that the thought that you were having where one minute you’re just like, “Put on your shoes.” And then the next minute it’s like, “Oh my gosh, my child is so smart. It is all A’s on the report card.” You know? You just … it is, it’s very complicated but I really do feel for every parent that’s in the middle of trenches parenting with toddlers because they are like sour patch kids.
Tiffany [00:28:57] Oh my gosh. I say that about Chloe all the time. She will punch me in the jawbone and then before I have time to scold her, she’ll kiss it and be like, “You okay?” And I’m like, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. I can’t move my mouth but I’m fine, honey.”
Meredith [00:29:12] Yeah. And I don’t know why they do that but I do think that what you were saying earlier, and we can take a caller on this as well, is that they are new to everything.
Tiffany [00:29:26] Right.
Meredith [00:29:27] They’re exploring, if you will. They’re explorers on the journey of life but they’re like, they can be real butt holes-
Tiffany [00:29:38] Right.
Meredith [00:29:39] While they’re doing it. By punching you in the face or whatever. If anybody has any insight, they can call in and talk to us about the reasons behind why toddlers do the things that they do. Is it actually as simple as what some of these parenting experts say? Is it because they know no different so they’ll try a little bit of everything? Or ultimately, are they butt holes? Because I’m just curious-
Tiffany [00:30:04] I’m seeing here what the experts do say, and they say that it’s a way for them, children between 18 months and three years to assert themselves, communicate their likes and dislikes, and act independently.
Meredith [00:30:18] I do have to agree with the whole independence thing because with my nephew who is two, tomorrow is his birthday.
Tiffany [00:30:25] Tomorrow’s my birthday and my son’s.
Meredith [00:30:29] Happy birthday to you two.
Tiffany [00:30:30] Yeah, let’s just make this a birthday show. Forget about this stuff we’re talking about.
Meredith [00:30:34] I know. Way to go.
Tiffany [00:30:35] Sing me happy birthday.
Meredith [00:30:36] I will at the end of the show.
Tiffany [00:30:37] I’m just kidding.
Meredith [00:30:39] But yes, on the tomorrow is his birthday. And he is constantly trying to assert independence, and it drives me nuts when I am forced to babysit. I mean, when I babysit.
Tiffany [00:30:53] Wow.
Meredith [00:30:53] Not forced. I mean, when I babysit. But yes, he is constantly trying to do things his way. And it’s like, “Well, here’s the thing, dude. You’re not even two-foot tall. You can’t reach the cup that’s up in that cabinet. Then I hand him the cup and he no longer wants the cup because he couldn’t get it himself.” It’s like, “Let me fill you in, okay? Even with three-step stools, you couldn’t reach the cup, Mason. So you need to chill out.” And he doesn’t so I digress.
Meredith [00:31:24] Raegan is on the phone from North Carolina. She has two children. What is the deal, Raegan? What do you got going on?
Raegan [00:31:30] Hi.
Meredith [00:31:30] Hi.
Raegan [00:31:30] I’m so excited that I got through.
Tiffany [00:31:34] Hi, Raegan.
Meredith [00:31:34] Welcome, welcome.
Raegan [00:31:37] I love you both. I’ve been watching you both for quite a while.
Tiffany [00:31:40] Aww, thank you.
Raegan [00:31:43] I have a almost three-year-old. He’ll be three at the end of October and then I also have a one-year-old.
Tiffany [00:31:49] Ooh.
Meredith [00:31:50] Ooh.
Raegan [00:31:50] It’s a little [crosstalk 00:31:51].
Tiffany [00:31:51] We’re both like, “Oh, we send our condolences.”
Meredith [00:31:53] Yeah. Yeah, how are you guys doing … we just wanna do a check. Is everything all good there ’cause of the storm?
Raegan [00:32:00] I am inland so I am good.
Meredith [00:32:02] Okay. Okay, good. Good, good, just checking in.
Raegan [00:32:03] So we got lots of rain and we had a little bit of local stuff but not nearly as bad as the coast.
Meredith [00:32:08] Okay. Wonderful to hear that you guys are safe and sound. What’s going on with your toddlers?
Raegan [00:32:14] He started two days a week at preschool, two, three weeks ago. Three weeks ago. Ever since then when he’s home, he is a nightmare child. He’s on the floor. He refuses to go to bed. It’s like two and three hours at night, screaming, but he only does it with me.
Raegan [00:32:37] If he’s with grandma, if he’s with dad, he’s his normal self.
Tiffany [00:32:42] What is up with that? I go to visit my kids at school and they are angels, and the teachers are like, “Okay, guys. Hippity hop bip bop, time to clean up.” And the kids all get in line and then when I get home I’m like, throwing things at him like, “Clean this up.” And he doesn’t listen. What are they doing at school?
Raegan [00:33:03] I have no idea and I’m a former teacher. And I still am like-
Tiffany [00:33:07] You don’t know the secret?
Raegan [00:33:07] I don’t even know what to do with you.
Tiffany [00:33:08] I need it.
Meredith [00:33:09] Okay. Here’s my take on this. Kids are always going to be better for somebody other than their mother. It’s just something that’s programmed into their DNA. At birth they’re okay, now any time your mom says to clean up, adamantly defy. Any time the teacher says bippity boppity boo, you put that block in the freaking [inaudible 00:33:34]. Okay?
Meredith [00:33:34] ‘Cause it’s written in … it’s just a thing. It’s something that we have to just come to accept because I really believe that they are better for other people because they’re not as comfortable around those other people as their mom. Mom is always gonna be number one most comfortable. They fit in the crook of your arm pit, you know what I’m saying? The snuggles and the whatever, that’s the mom thing.
Meredith [00:33:55] In terms of school, there is this mentality of getting the herd to do all of the same things at all of the time. And then kids look around and it’s like, “Oh, crap. Everyone else is cleaning up. I better do it.” But at home there’s no herd to follow, right? You’re just telling them to do it so it’s kinda like, “Nah, screw you, Ma.”
Tiffany [00:34:12] That makes sense.
Meredith [00:34:13] “I don’t have to do it.” So I think the herd mentality is something that happens in school with these kids. I think they’re just kind of forced to do it and go along with it. They also know that there are repercussions like … I don’t know why but from the second you look at a kid when they’re little and you’re like, “You’ll have to go to the principal’s office.” It’s like, “Oh my God, no. Oh my God.”
Meredith [00:34:35] Where in reality it’s like, what do the heck do they know about the principal? Other than you just said it in a really mean voice. They don’t know. They just assume it’s gonna be bad. Right? That’s my take on it but it’s not easy. I don’t know that it ever gets easier in that sense because I am gonna tell you that my kids are 12, nine and gonna be eight next month. They can be absolutely horrific for me and then they all come home from their uncle’s house and then he’ll be like, “They were a delight. It was a dream. Everybody was wonderful.”
Meredith [00:35:08] And it’s like, “You’re lying.” And he’s not. They were good. Sorry, not good advice.
Tiffany [00:35:15] You have a one and a three-year-old, Raegan?
Raegan [00:35:18] Yes.
Tiffany [00:35:18] Okay. I just wanna let you know that as somebody who has a two and a three-year-old and they were one and three at one point. I just want to give you a shout-out and tell you that you’re doing amazing because I know how tough this stage is. I wanna let you know that very soon it’ll be a completely different set of kids. Once they start walking and doing different stuff. Just as soon as you start to get fed up with this stage, it’ll change a little bit. In case you haven’t heard it lately, you’re doing an amazing job.
Raegan [00:35:45] Thank you.
Tiffany [00:35:46] You’re welcome. Thank you so much for calling.
Raegan [00:35:50] Thank you.
Meredith [00:35:50] Have a great day.
Raegan [00:35:52] Bye.
Tiffany [00:35:53] Bye.
Meredith [00:35:54] Yeah. I think that you’re correct with that statement, I think that’s why they always say it’s a stage or a phase or a season.
Tiffany [00:36:02] Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Meredith [00:36:03] Because as soon as you think that you have to legitimately pack a bag and run away-
Tiffany [00:36:08] Yeah.
Meredith [00:36:09] Something will change or shift and you’re like, “I can do a little bit longer.”
Tiffany [00:36:12] I can do this. Yeah.
Meredith [00:36:12] Little bit.
Tiffany [00:36:12] Yeah.
Meredith [00:36:14] Little bit. ‘Cause I have had one foot on the doormat before and just been like, “Peace. You guys are the worst. Why are you doing this to me?” They do, they change it up, they change it up. But potty training is tough. I remember that it was not … it was very easy with my oldest, terrible with my daughter, and I’ve talked about this plenty of times, my youngest wasn’t potty trained until he was four.
Meredith [00:36:43] Even then because he suffered brain damage at birth, he wets the bed three to four nights a week so I’m doing constant pee sheets and laundry. That’s something that we don’t know if he’ll grow out off but I’m telling you that it’s difficult. If you’re crying over pee sheets right now, just know it’s okay. It’s just pee. I don’t know why I say that but it is, it’s just pee. I used to get really frustrated with it and I did a lot of crying at the washing machine. I think just because at one point, he was peeing the bed every night.
Tiffany [00:37:19] Wow.
Meredith [00:37:20] But it’s just pee. It’s cool, man. It’s just pee.
Tiffany [00:37:24] I sleep in pee all the time, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t even care anymore. I just … I’m like, I made this pee. You know what I mean? So, it’s fine.
Meredith [00:37:32] Well, are you peeing the bed or-
Tiffany [00:37:33] Not physically, no. My kid. My son still sleeps with us which makes no sense because he has a little sister who does not, and a big sister who does not. But that’s a whole other subject.
Meredith [00:37:45] Oh. You know what? Well, why don’t we have … this can be our last caller on this one. So, somebody call in and tell me if you … do you co-sleep? Do you not co-sleep? What do you do to get a kid out of your bed? Have you done anything successful? I’ll tell my story while we wait for a caller. But I was sick and tired of having kids in my bed. Okay? We had a queen bed. We didn’t have a big bed. We’re not dainty people so we take up a portion … don’t look at me. Yes-
Tiffany [00:38:14] He was offended.
Meredith [00:38:14] He was offended but I will say the business manager recently lost almost 40 pounds.
Tiffany [00:38:18] Yeah, he looks awesome.
Meredith [00:38:19] Looking hot.
Tiffany [00:38:20] Okay.
Meredith [00:38:21] Okay. Oh, sorry. But the point is we were tired of having kids in our bed. So let me tell you what I did and then you can judge me, and tell me how crazy I am. I went to the store. I bought an oversized dog bed. I put the dog bed on the floor next to my bed. Any child who came into my room was allowed to sleep in the dog bed, but not in my bed. We could be close but not that close. My children, almost all of them, have at one point slept in a dog bed.
Tiffany [00:38:52] Wow!
Meredith [00:38:53] What do you think of that, Tiffany?
Tiffany [00:38:55] I actually think it’s pretty genius. I really do.
Meredith [00:38:59] Yeah, just saying.
Tiffany [00:39:00] Listen. My son, I don’t even get mad that he still sleeps because I just am so used to it that I’m a little bit sad when he’s not in there which is so stupid. But it’s been that way for almost four years.
Meredith [00:39:15] I know.
Tiffany [00:39:16] I know eventually he’s gonna leave but just feeling his little body and he’s safe, it’s okay. I don’t even mind. I know I should.
Meredith [00:39:22] No. Here’s the thing though, I know people who co-sleep until seven, eight years old. But it’s a preference.
Tiffany [00:39:33] Right.
Meredith [00:39:33] That’s what we’re getting at. But Lynda is here, she’s from Canada, she has three children.
Meredith [00:39:37] Lynda, do you co-sleep? Do you not? What’s your deal?
Lynda [00:39:42] No. I no longer co-sleep. I’m sorry, I have two boys. I shouldn’t have said three, I don’t know why I said three. I don’t know why.
Meredith [00:39:49] Oh, this is Lynda-Lynda. Lynda-Lynda. This is my Lynda.
Meredith [00:39:53] This is my Lynda.
Lynda [00:39:54] Yes, your Lynda.
Meredith [00:39:55] Ah, all right. So tell us, what’s the deal?
Lynda [00:39:59] No. I used to co-sleep just because my ex would not deal with my little one’s screaming. He would just hear the little one screaming and say, “I’m not dealing with this, so here you go.” and he would shove the baby with me. So, I would have to-
Tiffany [00:40:16] You said your ex, right?
Lynda [00:40:18] Yeah, my ex.
Tiffany [00:40:19] Okay.
Lynda [00:40:19] We are no longer together.
Tiffany [00:40:21] Just making sure. He would literally just shove the baby on me and say, “Here you go. You deal with it.” It took a long time for me to get him to sleep on his own again in his own bed.
Meredith [00:40:36] Do you have any tips for how you did it? Was there something specific that made it stick?
Lynda [00:40:42] I literally had to go and sleep in his bed with him to get him to sleep on his own again. It was very difficult.
Tiffany [00:40:52] Aww.
Meredith [00:40:52] Wow.
Lynda [00:40:53] It took a long, long time.
Tiffany [00:40:55] What a good mom though.
Meredith [00:40:56] Yeah. I’ve heard that.
Lynda [00:40:57] Yeah.
Meredith [00:41:00] I’ve heard that that will … that that can do it.
Lynda [00:41:01] Yeah.
Meredith [00:41:01] Unfortunately, and I don’t how long how you had to do it but I know for us with my little one who was the one who was constantly in my bed, my seven-year-old, we had to fall into a habit of going in and laying with him to get him to go to sleep. When I say we, I mean, my husband. My husband would go in and lay with him every night. And then it gets hard because when you’ve done this for months on end, and you’re like, do you just go to bed? Every night it’s bedtime. Every night, I guarantee you bedtime is gonna happen because that’s what happens at 8:30. You gotta go to bed. So then my husband would go and lay with him. It’s like, I need you to do something and it’s 8:35, and you’re in bed with our kid. I need you to get a … so, I think after a while it was just enough was enough. We’ve just, just now I kid you not, he’s gonna be eight next month. We’ve just now gotten to the part where he will say, “Just tuck me in then.” Because it’s like, “We can’t lay with you anymore. I have stuff to do.” That’s when I get my mom stuff done. It’s 8:30-
Lynda [00:42:12] Yeah, exactly.
Meredith [00:42:12] Then, 10, 10:30. It’s like, “I can’t lay with you for an hour, kid. Go to bed.”
Lynda [00:42:17] Yeah.
Meredith [00:42:18] Yeah, but that is something … Lynda, I’ve definitely heard people say that they’ve done and we’ve done it ourselves.
Lynda [00:42:24] It literally took, I think, until we separated which was five years ago, so Liam was five. I was co-sleeping with him until he was five. We were living with my parents and I said, “Liam, buddy, I will lay with you for just a couple of minutes and then I’m gonna go and sleep in my bed. I will lay with you and then Mommy’s going to go and do her stuff.” It gets to the point where it’s like, “Bud, this is enough. I can’t do this anymore.” It’s hard, it’s just too hard … as you said, “This is Mommy’s time. I need this time to do my stuff. I need to get this done and this done.” You can’t be in their bed forever. It’s too much.
Tiffany [00:43:18] I wish I could.
Meredith [00:43:19] Yeah, I wish I could just sleep all day. But yeah, I think, too … you also have to teach them that it’s good to have that independent time for you and for them ’cause they have to wind down, and they have to go to bed. But thanks for calling in, Lynda.
Lynda [00:43:32] No problem. And Tiffany, I love you, too. You are awesome. I just have to say that. I’ve been watching you as well. I just love you. You’re great.
Tiffany [00:43:42] Thank you so much.
Lynda [00:43:42] You know I love you too, Meredith.
Meredith [00:43:44] Oh, Lynda.
Lynda [00:43:46] I’m one of your girls. You know that.
Meredith [00:43:49] Yeah, you are my girl.
Tiffany [00:43:49] I was like a little jealous when you said, “It’s my Lynda.”
Meredith [00:43:50] Well, it-
Tiffany [00:43:50] I’m like, what?
Meredith [00:43:50] It’s my Lynda.
Tiffany [00:43:52] Why can’t it be my Lynda, too?
Meredith [00:43:54] I would lovingly share Lynda with you.
Tiffany [00:43:56] Thank you.
Meredith [00:43:57] I just … as soon as I heard her voice-
Tiffany [00:43:59] That’s cute. You recognized it-
Meredith [00:44:00] I knew it was Lynda because … well, I was tipped off when it was Lynda and then Canada, but then I was, “I’ll wait to hear.” And once I heard Lynda’s voice it was like, “Nope, my Lynda.”
Tiffany [00:44:09] Aww.
Meredith [00:44:09] All right. You have a great day.
Tiffany [00:44:11] Bye, Lynda. Thank you.
Lynda [00:44:12] You too. Bye guys.
Meredith [00:44:16] I agree. I agree with that, it is tough but I also think … and I have said this time and again, you wanna co-sleep, co-sleep. You wanna put a dog bed on the floor, put a dog bed on the floor. As long as your kids are under your roof, you’re taking care of them, you’re doing a good job, everybody has to do it differently.
Tiffany [00:44:32] Right.
Meredith [00:44:32] Because during these years, survival. Survival.
Tiffany [00:44:37] Yup.
Meredith [00:44:38] So what do you have to do to survive? I always tell people, “Don’t feel guilty about that.” If you and your spouse have no problem with a kid in your bed and co-sleeping, co-sleep the hell out of it. You know? That’s totally up to you. It just becomes an issue where one parent doesn’t want this to happen and then you have to have a conversation. But when everybody’s onboard-
Tiffany [00:44:57] Right.
Meredith [00:44:59] Do whatever gets you some solid sleep.
Tiffany [00:45:01] I know that the reason a lot of people want their kids out of their bed is because of the intimacy factor but I’ve gotten a kid out of the bed thinking it was gonna go down, and we were both just snoring. For me it’s like, “Well, we’ll just keep them here since nothing’s happening anyway.”
Tiffany [00:45:18] I shouldn’t have said that out loud.
Meredith [00:45:20] Well, but also that’s true. Probably that’s probably the number one reason why one spouse wants the other kid out of the bed. But you can just be … you can move a kid. It’s really easy to move a kid and just be like, you’re gonna couch sleep for like, “I only need seven minutes.”
Tiffany [00:45:34] I thought you meant scooch them over.
Meredith [00:45:35] Oh, not like … no, not like in the same bed. I mean you can just physically get up and move them to a couch or to the dog bed. And then, you only need like what? Six, seven minutes. I mean-
Tiffany [00:45:47] That’s generous-
Meredith [00:45:49] It’s generous. I love it.
Tiffany [00:45:50] Maybe we should switch it up and talk about some love and marriage stuff.
Meredith [00:45:53] Yeah. So , love and marriage is brought to you by Tiffany and myself because we are absolutely spectacular wives.
Tiffany [00:45:59] That’s right.
Meredith [00:46:01] I was doing the Google, the Google thing, and I-
Tiffany [00:46:00] Right.
Meredith [00:46:01] I was doing the Google thing, and I thought this week we should talk about the things that most married people fight about. The five most common marriage fights are … And I’m just going to give you the top … I’ll give you the five things, and then you can tell me which one you want to elaborate on or have a conversation about, or you can tell me which one out of these you fight most about. Let’s do that.
Tiffany [00:46:28] Perfect.
Meredith [00:46:29] Okay. Number one, boundary issues. Number two, talking versus communicating. Number three, time management. Number four, money, money. Number five, lack of appreciation.
Tiffany [00:46:48] Can I just tell you really quick that before you got in here, your husband turned to me and said, “Meredith’s going to have a tough time talking about this because I don’t do any of these things. I’m perfect.” Just so you know.
Meredith [00:47:00] I almost spit.
Tiffany [00:47:01] I thought you should know.
Meredith [00:47:02] I almost spit water.
Tiffany [00:47:03] It made me laugh out loud. He was dead serious, though. There was no laughter. He was like, “Man, she’s going to have a tough time. She can’t relate to any of this.”
Meredith [00:47:10] Of these five things, I could talk about all five, but let’s … But you tell me, Tiff. If you would have to pick one, what would you say is the one that you and your spouse have an issue with?
Tiffany [00:47:21] Out of all of these, I would say it’s probably lack of appreciation. And it’s not because, per se, he doesn’t appreciate me, it’s just he doesn’t know how often I need to hear it, which is every 10 minutes on the dot. I have these expectations. If I do something cool, I want him to rave about it, like, “Oh my gosh, babe, you mopped the floors? That’s incredible. Great job.” But instead, he just walks on them and doesn’t clap or anything, and so it’s frustrating for me. I’m the kind of person where I need constant reassurance. I thrive on positive reinforcement, so if I’m not getting it, I’m like, “Well, screw it. Nobody will notice if I’m doing it anyway, so I’m just not going to do it.”
Meredith [00:48:07] Okay. I hear you, and I appreciate you for sharing.
Tiffany [00:48:12] Thank you.
Meredith [00:48:13] But so this therapist that wrote this article that was discussed in this article says, “The biggest issue I see with married couples seeking counseling is lack of appreciation. This is often the root cause of other marriage problems such as infidelity. When appreciation is low, conflict is high.” That makes sense. “When appreciation is low, conflict is high.” “This is often seen in sibling relationships, because siblings don’t often express appreciation for one another. When two people feel 100% appreciated from one another, they accept so much more than they do otherwise.”
Meredith [00:48:46] So basically, appreciation is … You will appreciate somebody and tell them that you appreciate them more often when other things in your relationship are going really well, and then it seems that it dwindles when it’s not. Which makes perfect sense.
Tiffany [00:49:03] Yes, I could see it.
Meredith [00:49:03] Yeah, that does make perfect sense. I had a massive issue with lack of appreciation with my husband over there years back. Years back. He worked a ton. He was always at work. I was the primary caregiver. I was working from home. I was starting the blog, and I had the three kids, juggling the kids, and the house. At that point in our marriage, if we’re just being honest, which we are …
Tiffany [00:49:32] This is awkward.
Meredith [00:49:33] This is awkward. He wasn’t helping with dinner, the dishes, the pickups, the dropoffs, grocery shopping, lawn cutting. Everything basically fell on my plate because he worked a ton. He was at work all the time. I just blew a gasket one day, and I was like, “I need you to help or I don’t know what’s going to happen.” He just looked at me and he just didn’t see it. Then finally the light bulb went on and he was like, “Oh, I guess I didn’t realize how much you actually do in a day.” When I rattled off everything I did in a day, it was like, “Oh, wow. That’s a lot.” At that point, he was more apt to help out and I have to be honest and tell you that he is a completely different person around the house now than he was four years ago.
Tiffany [00:50:30] That’s awesome.
Meredith [00:50:30] Big time. Big time. But I lost it. I did it in a very unhealthy way. I screamed like a lunatic. So I don’t think that’s the way to go about it, but I’m being honest with how I did it. But I think communication … We were not communicating. We were talking. I would say something to him and he would say something back, but nobody was listening.
Tiffany [00:50:50] Right. There’s a big, huge difference, like when you’re just waiting for your turn to talk again as opposed to absorbing the information that the other person’s saying, considering it, and trying to come to a common agreement, because oftentimes when you’re with your spouse, it’s a fight and who’s going to win, instead of you both working towards solving a common goal. I mean, solving the problem.
Tiffany [00:51:14] I have found that, too, when my husband and I are talking, if I am looking for a certain result, then I actually listen to what he’s saying so that I can understand where he’s coming from and get us both on the same page.
Meredith [00:51:27] Let me ask you a question, and then we can take a caller on this one. Are you ever guilty of keeping score in your house, in your marriage?
Tiffany [00:51:38] Yes. Yes, I am. I love to rattle off all the things that I have done right when he says that I haven’t, you know what I mean? I do. I have a scorecard, and I’m like, “Oh, yeah? Well, I woke up, I took the kids to school, I got them dressed, I brought them home, I did the dishes, I did this and that and this and that and this and that,” and I also have on my scorecard, written down, all the things he’s ever done wrong since we first started dating, and I like to pull those up occasionally as well.
Meredith [00:52:03] Right, just to throw that in.
Tiffany [00:52:04] Yeah.
Meredith [00:52:05] Right, yes. Yes. I never keep score. I’m a very good person.
Tiffany [00:52:10] Okay.
Meredith [00:52:10] I don’t. I keep score all the time. I’m a really terrible person.
Tiffany [00:52:13] Well, crap.
Meredith [00:52:15] No, I’m terrible at keeping score. I actually asked my husband if he would make us a scoreboard to go over the bed. I kid you not.
Tiffany [00:52:21] That’s so funny.
Meredith [00:52:23] I was like, “But I need to have five or six number places. You’ll only need the one.”
Tiffany [00:52:27] That’s so …
Meredith [00:52:28] How mean is that? That’s what I said to him. I was like, “You’ll just need the one, because let’s be honest, you’re not going to ever hit 10. And I need the millionth place, because I’m always winning.” Because I’m always telling him the same thing. I’m always telling him what I did, what I was going to do. Now, what I’ve gotten better at is admitting when I’m wrong.
Tiffany [00:52:47] That’s tough.
Meredith [00:52:48] Because I used to never admit when … Why are you turning your head? I absolutely do admit when I’m wrong. You’re wrong right now for saying that I don’t, okay? Does anybody in here … I want a caller who is chronically keeping score or used to keep score and has changed now and has decided that maybe that’s not a great idea, because I’m still on the fence with whether or not I think it’s a bad idea. I don’t know.
Tiffany [00:53:12] Keeping score?
Meredith [00:53:13] Right, because I’m guilty of it, but I also feel like sometimes these things need to be said and you need to hear me. This is what happened, and it’s not necessarily that I’m trying to keep score, but I’m trying to tell you, “Come on, bud. This is what’s going on here. I’m trying to prompt him or push him to do X, Y, and Z.” But yeah, I do it.
Tiffany [00:53:33] Do you know what I feel like sometimes? Because we live together, we’re together all the time. I don’t know, if you ever had a sibling, maybe you could relate to this. I oftentimes feel like … You know how with your sibling it’s like, “No, I did the dishes, so now you have to do it”? It’s like a battle of who does more instead of, “Sure, babe, I’d love to help.” It’s “No, I did it, now you do it. It’s your turn.”
Tiffany [00:53:55] Sometimes, and I know that sounds weird to say out loud, but I tell him, I’m like, “It feels like we’re brother and sister and Mom’s making us do all these things that we don’t want to do, so we’re fighting over who has to do it. You go get the kids. You do this.” And it shouldn’t be like that, you know what I mean? It should be, “I would love to make your life easy. Let me do this for you.”
Meredith [00:54:14] Well, and before we take this caller, let me say this. I think that that’s very normal. I know you just made the statement, “I know it’s not supposed to be like that,” but I think nine times out of 10 it is like that and we just have to maybe tweak the way we’re having that conversation.
Meredith [00:54:30] But I remember in fights that I had with my husband, and he’s said to me, “Are we roommates or are we married?” Because sometimes he feels like this is a roommate situation and we’re just both kind of doing our things and we’re not coming together. When he said that, that hit home, and I was like, “You’re right. We’re not roommates, let’s have a conversation about this.”
Meredith [00:54:51] We have Elena, from Florida, who has three … Is this my Elena? I got my Elena on here.
Tiffany [00:54:59] I had a feeling.
Elena [00:55:00] Hi. Hello, Tiffany. It’s Elena, because I kind of go back and forth, but you …
Meredith [00:55:05] Absolutely.
Elena [00:55:05] Of course, you and I are more connected.
Tiffany [00:55:08] So far.
Meredith [00:55:09] Simply because we’ve had Starbucks together, but yes, yes. No, no, no. Absolutely. Elena and I have actually talked about you. She said she was so in love with the podcast, and that you joined in.
Elena [00:55:18] Yes.
Tiffany [00:55:18] Oh, yay. Thank you.
Elena [00:55:20] You’re welcome. I love it.
Meredith [00:55:22] So fill us in. Do you keep score?
Elena [00:55:25] Oh, my gosh. Me and my husband literally just got into a fight last night because I am such a tit-for-tat person, and I will admit that, because us women, I think, just do more. Because if you’re a stay-at-home mom, even if you’re not, you just tend to think about what needs to be done and do it, and I think … I don’t want to be sexist with this, but a lot of men tend to go to their phone or sit on the couch.
Tiffany [00:55:55] Preach.
Elena [00:55:55] I just kind of back down. Now he’s starting to notice, and he does not like that. He does not want me on my phone. He does not want me on my computer, chatting with my online friends. So this is where we’re at now.
Tiffany [00:56:11] So you’re giving him a taste of his own medicine?
Meredith [00:56:14] That’s what it sounds like.
Elena [00:56:15] Yes, exactly. Right, right. So sometimes I guess that’s what it takes, and now he’s like, “Well, you know …” He just tried to argue it last night, and of course, like you had said, you bring things up from the past. I am so guilty of that. I was throwing it all in there. I said, “Well, let’s go back to what made me into this person.” Yeah, so he was like, “Oh, don’t bring up old stuff.” I’m like, “Well, here’s the facts, so what are we going to do about it?”
Tiffany [00:56:45] Were you able to resolve it?
Elena [00:56:48] We were, because I just walked out of the room and I was like, “This is it.” Just sometimes you have to walk away. He, like an hour later, came to me like a little puppy dog, like, “I’m sorry, I love you, and I want to work this out, and I don’t want a divorce.” Which we hate to ever throw that word around, but I’m like, “We have to see eye to eye here.” You don’t see eye to eye and that’s what happens. That’s what it leads to. So we came up with a new plan today, so we’re going to see where it goes.
Tiffany [00:57:21] Oh, yay.
Meredith [00:57:22] I’m happy to hear that. I’m happy to hear that you guys have a plan and that you’re going to work towards a common goal like Tiffany was talking about before, but I do think sometimes you feel like you’re backed into a corner and you rattle off what happened in your day and what you’ve done, and I always …
Elena [00:57:40] Yeah.
Meredith [00:57:40] Do you know what always … And this might be a weird correlation, but when it’s dinner time, think about this right now, because you said you think maybe women just do more than men. When it’s dinner time, whose plate are you getting ready first?
Elena [00:57:59] Everyone else’s. I am the last one to sit down.
Meredith [00:58:00] Everyone else’s. So when it’s dinner time, your plating up children’s food, sometimes you’ll plate up the husband’s food, and then your food gets plated last. I think that’s just a woman or a mom … I don’t know if it’s a woman thing or just a mom thing, because I’ve not been just a woman for quite some time, but once you have kids I think it’s just the automatic response is, “My job is to now feed all of the people.” I think as women, we are guilty of always plating everyone first in our lives before we plate ourselves.
Elena [00:58:34] That is so true.
Meredith [00:58:34] And then we want to keep score, because it’s like, “Do you see what I’ve been doing here? Could you maybe plate up a kid’s food or could you maybe whatever?” I think the problem is, we hold all of that until we’re ready to pop and then when we explode on them, it is seven years of plating food or whatever. So I think that happens and that’s why those …
Meredith [00:59:01] I’ll never forget the day I blew up on him. It was fourth of July, years back, but it was the real fireworks show of fourth of July was in our house that day. When he looked at me and said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I wanted to hit him with a two-by-four. I’m not going to lie to you. I was like, “How do you not know? Look at my face? Listen to the words coming out of my mouth?” I was so angry, but he was literally like, “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
Meredith [00:59:30] Because I hadn’t been telling him. I had been sucking it up and doing it for about 10 years, and that was my breaking point. So yeah, because nobody wants to throw around the word “divorce,” right?
Elena [00:59:43] Exactly, no.
Meredith [00:59:43] But at the same time, I looked at him and I was like, “Things are going to change or …” And it’s tough, so I feel for you. I’m glad you have a plan.
Elena [00:59:55] Yes, and thank you. That was so perfectly said. The plating food, that was so … You’re so spot-on. [crosstalk 01:00:03]
Tiffany [01:00:03] She’s going to use it tonight with her husband. She’s like, “You know what I’ve been doing all these years?”
Meredith [01:00:08] And you know what my husband now does after the fireworks of 2000 and whatever? He started cooking dinner. So he has actually, the last … At least since the dieting has taken over our home, our lifestyle change, he cooks dinner two, three nights a week for us here.
Elena [01:00:25] That’s amazing.
Meredith [01:00:26] It’s been a really good …
Elena [01:00:27] Yay.
Meredith [01:00:28] I will go in and I will do the dishes as he’s cooking and ask him if he needs help with something or whatever, but I will say to him, and he giggles now, but I’ll say to him in the morning, I’ll say, “What’s for dinner?” It’s my nice way of nudging him, being like, “You’re going to cook tonight, right?” He’ll always say, “Why are you concerned?” I said, “I just like to know what I’m going to be eating.” Then he’ll say, “It’s blah blah blah.” I’m like, “Okay.” It’s just a nice way for me to know. He knows. I know that he knows that he knows that I know that he’s going to be cooking dinner, right?
Elena [01:01:00] Right.
Meredith [01:01:00] So anyway. Thank you so much for calling in.
Elena [01:01:03] Thank you for taking my call. Both of you women are beautiful. I love you, I love your message, and I can’t say enough how much it’s inspired me, so thank you for inspiring me and everyone else.
Meredith [01:01:15] Thank you so much.
Tiffany [01:01:18] Thank you.
Meredith [01:01:18] Have a good day.
Elena [01:01:18] You too. Bye.
Tiffany [01:01:20] I feel like we all have kind of common issues going on, and a lot of it is men aren’t mind readers. Neither are we, though, so men who tend to not talk about anything or get emotional or, as it seems, care, sometimes, whereas we care enough for everybody in the whole house, so communication is so important. And another thing, too, is women sometimes try to change someone in order to mold them into the person, their ideal partner, by correcting their behavior and things like that, and I do that with my husband sometimes, you know what I mean? “This is how I need you to act, so if you could go ahead and change your whole entire personality even though it’s the personality I fell in love with, I would appreciate it.”
Tiffany [01:02:07] When my kids were really little and my husband would … I’d be like, “You need to spend more time with the babies.” So he would, but he would be doing it wrong, and so I would start jumping in, like, “Hey, no, that’s not how you do it. He doesn’t like that.” He’s five minutes old and I already know what he likes and doesn’t like, but it’s just a mother thing.
Tiffany [01:02:25] Somebody gave me some really great advice and said, “Let him be a dad, because if you’re jumping in every second and trying to change him and correct his behavior, he’s going to be reluctant to touch the baby or be around the baby because he doesn’t want to be corrected, so just let him do his thing.” That really helped me out a lot when the kids were young.
Meredith [01:02:43] Yeah, and that’s really good advice. That’s something that I wish somebody had told me, because Dave wasn’t super big on being around the babies, because they didn’t do anything. They did nothing fun. They pooped and ate and cried. But I have to be honest, toddler and up, he was way more involved and way more like, “Let’s go kick the soccer ball, let’s go throw the football, let’s go do X, Y, and Z.”
Meredith [01:03:12] One thing I have always said, we have had trying times in our marriage, there have been times when neither of us liked the other person, he has been a grade-A amazing dad, and I am blessed to have him and my children are blessed to have him and I’m even jealous of the relationship he has with my youngest son, because they have such a great bond.
Tiffany [01:03:33] Really?
Meredith [01:03:33] I’m like, “Well, I’m the mom. I birthed you. You have to love me more.” Brian is Daddy’s … They’re buds, you know? You do have to let them … Because I did the same thing, Tiffany. I did the same thing. It’s like, “Oh, no, no. You’re wrong with your parenting.”
Meredith [01:03:51] All right. I figured, let’s take a couple of minutes, Tiffany. I would love to know about the things that are coming up on your end, because you did have some really exciting news and I want you to share it with everybody here so everybody knows what’s going on.
Tiffany [01:04:07] Oh, my gosh. Thank you.
Meredith [01:04:08] Tell us.
Tiffany [01:04:09] I am going to be hosting the Oscars this year, so … Just kidding. I’m going on a mini-tour in November, which is super exciting-slash-terrifying. I’m going to be going to Wichita, Kansas, on November 7th, and to Denver, Colorado, on November 9th, and it’s called “This Show is Awkward AF,” because I feel like they just need to know right off the bat I can’t go longer than five minutes without doing something awkward, so we’re just letting them know straight out.
Tiffany [01:04:43] I’m very scared, but I’m very excited, because my dream since the beginning is to be able to meet everybody and see their faces and hug them, so this is going to be an awesome way to do that. Oh, my gosh. I was supposed to announce that the tickets went on sale at 10 AM this morning, and I totally forgot.
Meredith [01:05:03] Well, tickets are officially on sale.
Tiffany [01:05:07] I’m in so much trouble. I’m sorry. I just realized it.
Meredith [01:05:08] Well, you’re going to have to jump on your Facebook page as soon as we get off of here, but yeah.
Tiffany [01:05:11] Oh, my gosh.
Meredith [01:05:12] Tickets are on sale. Where can they get tickets?
Tiffany [01:05:14] At TiffanyJenkinsLive.com. Look how red my face is. I’m not good at this stuff.
Meredith [01:05:20] I hear you.
Tiffany [01:05:21] Anyway, yes. TiffanyJenkinsLive.com. Tickets are available. I believe the meet-and-greet is sold out in Denver already somehow. I don’t know, but they are available. That’s what’s up. Thanks for letting me say it.
Meredith [01:05:34] I’m so excited about your tour, and I share … I think we share a lot of commonalities, especially with wanting to go out and meet everybody. From the beginning, I’ve said I want to meet everyone in this community, and we both truly mean that, because our communities are very important to us and you guys are so important to us, because we share why we do this, I think, as well.
Meredith [01:06:04] We want to normalize, this is life. I giggle because Kardashians are one of the most popular reality shows. It’s like, that is not reality. Okay, I’ll show you some reality. You’re probably not going to watch my show because it looks an awful lot like your life, but I’m just saying, that’s not reality. We’ve got some reality for you. But I’m so excited and so pumped for you. If you’re in those areas and you want to get out there and meet Tiffany and watch her show, I urge you to go to Tiffany …
Tiffany [01:06:37] … JenkinsLive.
Meredith [01:06:38] … TiffanyJenkinsLive.com, and snatch up some tickets there.
Tiffany [01:06:41] Are you coming to Nashville?
Meredith [01:06:43] No, because I’m out of town.
Tiffany [01:06:44] Oh, okay, just kidding.
Meredith [01:06:45] I was going to go to Nashville, because that’s her next show that you’ll be going to in October. Tiffany is in Nashville in October. That event is sold out though, I believe.
Tiffany [01:06:53] Got you.
Meredith [01:06:54] But no, I couldn’t go to that because we are going on a family trip, but we have a social media conference that we are attending as a family.
Tiffany [01:07:00] Awesome.
Meredith [01:07:00] So anyhoozle-McToozle, join us next week with Brooke Wilkerson from “Coffee & Chaos” for another episode of Take It …
Tiffany [01:07:08] … Or Leave It, and advice-ish show hosted by two struggling moms.
Meredith [01:07:13] … Who have … Oh, this one’s both together.
Tiffany [01:07:15] Oh, sorry. One, two … All right. Ready, set, go. Who have no idea what we’re doing.
Meredith [01:07:23] Who have no idea what we’re doing.
Tiffany [01:07:26] Clearly.
Meredith [01:07:28] All right, guys. See you next week.
Tiffany [01:07:30] Bye.