Welcome to Take It or Leave It, an advise-ish podcast for parents brought to you by Grove Collaborative.
Tiffany [00:00:07] You can download this podcast on iTunes and Google Play Music. I’m your host, Tiffany, from Juggling the Jenkins.
Meredith [00:00:19] And I’m your host Meredith from, That’s Inappropriate. This podcast will discuss all things marriage, motherhood and everything in between. Please remember that we are not professionals at anything you may actually need. Any advice we give you, you can take or leave.
Tiffany [00:00:35] Because it might be crap. Welcome to, Take It Or Leave It. On today’s episode of Take It Or Leave It, we talk about the things people say or shouldn’t say to moms. Make sure to subscribe, so you don’t miss any episodes, like last week’s, when we discussed our own post partum and anxiety stories, or next week’s, when we welcome Christina Kuzmick to the show.
Meredith [00:00:55] I know, right.
Tiffany [00:00:56] I didn’t even know.
Meredith [00:00:57] I told you I’d get us some celebs. A- listers.
Tiffany [00:01:01] I love her.
Meredith [00:01:01] Me too, me too.
Tiffany [00:01:03] I’m a have to wear my nice shirt next week.
Meredith [00:01:06] We are here, because we’re all struggled as moms. Anyone who says they haven’t is a lie bagger. Let’s start the show with a mom fail moment. All right.
Tiffany [00:01:16] Is it Koozmick or Kuzmick real quick.
Meredith [00:01:18] Kuzmick I believe.
Tiffany [00:01:19] Okay. Good.
Meredith [00:01:19] I have met her in person.
Tiffany [00:01:20] Me too, at the same time as you. I was there. Quit trying to steal it.
Meredith [00:01:24] No, no. Separate time.
Tiffany [00:01:26] Oh wow, so you’ve met her more than once.
Meredith [00:01:27] Three to four.
Tiffany [00:01:29] Whatever. That’s fine.
Meredith [00:01:30] It’s fine. Okay. I actually have today’s mom fail moment. Mine is actually not even 24 hours old. We were in the dreaded car pool lane yesterday. I picked up my son from school. We have to go into the second parent pick up line for the day, which is the middle school line. We’re sitting in the line. He’s in the back seat. He says, “I gotta pee.” No. Actually, he said, “I gotta poop.” I said, “Look. That’s absolutely not taking place, because we are stuck in the parent pick up line.” He said, “All right, I’ll settle if you just let me pee.” I’m like, “All right cool, except [crosstalk 00:02:06] also you can’t pee, because there are literally cars …” This entire thing is full, right.
Tiffany [00:02:11] Right.
Meredith [00:02:11] We are just sitting at a dead stop. We’re all parked. He says, “Mom. I really gotta go.” When we pull up to the front and you let him in, can you let me out to pee? I go, “There’s still no place for you to pee. The school’s closed at this point honey.” I said, “You can’t go into the school to pee.” He’s like, “All right. I’ll do my best. I’ll hold it.” He holds it. He then, from the back seat, as we’re trying to drive home, says, “Mom. I can’t hold it. I need you to give me a bottle.” I said, “I’m sorry, what?” He goes, “A bottle, a plastic bottle. Just give me a bottle. Dad let’s me pee in bottles all the time in the car.” I’m like, “Oh my gosh.” I said, “That’s grotesque and disgusting. We do not pee in bottles. That’s not a thing that we do.” He’s like, “I really gotta go mom.” I said, “Okay.
Meredith [00:02:52] Listen, we are stopping at a gas station in two minutes. I need you to make it two more minutes.” Mind you, the gas station is literally three minutes from my home, but he was screaming. I was like, “All right, you really gotta go, I’m gonna pull over.” The kid, we stop. I’m trying to let another child, by the way, whom I do not own, who I am just doing parent pick up as a favor for another friend … I have another kid trying to exit my vehicle, with their parent now watching, cause they have pulled up next to me.
Meredith [00:03:21] My son rips his seat belt off, climbs up for the front of the van, opens my door and starts urinating all over the inside of my mini van door. He’s peeing on the floor, he’s peeing on the door. This kid behind me is looking. I’m just screaming, “Don’t look. Don’t look. Avert your gaze. Get to your car please. Don’t look at me.” And then I see the other parent …
Meredith [00:03:43] Now, mind you, luckily these were all other boys. The dad is laughing, the other kid is laughing. I’m sitting here, just screaming, “You’re pissing, all over my car. You’re pissing, on my car. There’s piss all over my car.” I’m just beside myself. He’s like, “I just, I couldn’t hold it anymore. I tried my very best. I was like, “Oh my God.” Then, of course, I have to get out.
Meredith [00:04:05] Luckily, I am a mom, so I have a stash of wipes in my car at all times. I’m literally wiping the urine soaked upholstery down. I’m just looking at him. He’s just looking at me. He’s like, “I told you. I told you I had to go. I told you. I told you.” I was like, “Yes. Yes, I see that you told me.” Then we went about our day. Apparently, I thought, I should have given him the bottle. I should have. I thought that he was really … I mean he’s gonna be eight. I should have known better. He does have some issues with holding it.
Tiffany [00:04:42] Right.
Meredith [00:04:43] I should have, but I was just … I was in that zone of just driving. I’m like, “We have nine million things to do. I need to just go.” Really, jokes on me.
Tiffany [00:04:51] Right.
Meredith [00:04:51] He pissed all over my door.
Tiffany [00:04:53] You need to invest in those police cruiser plastic back seats. You just hose it out.
Meredith [00:04:58] Right. It’s a free for all.
Tiffany [00:05:00] Yeah.
Meredith [00:05:00] Go on.
Tiffany [00:05:01] I’m never stopping at a gas station again.
Meredith [00:05:03] Right, you’re just gonna sit in the back of a cop car.
Tiffany [00:05:05] Yeah. I bribed my kids with ice cream yesterday. I was like, “Caden, if you can just hold it til we get home, I’ll get you a brownie and ice cream and sprinkles.” He got so excited. I never did it.
Meredith [00:05:16] Wait. You promised him the brownie, ice cream and sprinkles.
Tiffany [00:05:19] Yeah.
Meredith [00:05:20] He held it.
Tiffany [00:05:21] He didn’t bring it up, so why would I bring [crosstalk 00:05:23]?
Meredith [00:05:22] Wait, that’s on him?
Tiffany [00:05:23] Yeah.
Meredith [00:05:24] Right.
Tiffany [00:05:24] If you were excited about it, you know, know what I mean? You would have brought it up and been like, “Hey. Where’s that promise.”
Meredith [00:05:29] Where’s that promise [crosstalk 00:05:30] that you stole from me mother, along with my dreams.
Tiffany [00:05:33] That’s so funny. See? Nobody’s perfect. Rest assured, if you are struggling today, with trying to get it together, you’re not the only one.
Meredith [00:05:42] No. You could potentially have piss, all over the inside of your minivan door.
Tiffany [00:05:46] Your friend, your son’s friend’s dad was cool with it.
Meredith [00:05:51] He was laughing uncontrollably. I’m assuming that he wasn’t offended, or he would have given me the gasping face.
Tiffany [00:05:58] Right.
Meredith [00:05:58] He’s also letting me pick his kid up again today.
Tiffany [00:06:00] Okay, good.
Meredith [00:06:00] I guess we’re cool. I was mortified. I was totally mortified. I’ve never … As a female, I can strongly tell you that I’ve never just jumped out of a car … Wait.
Tiffany [00:06:13] Wait a minute.
Meredith [00:06:13] I have.
Tiffany [00:06:14] I have plenty of times.
Meredith [00:06:16] Nevermind. I re-track. I literally just did it on the side of the interstate.
Tiffany [00:06:20] Did you?
Meredith [00:06:21] Yeah, a couple months back.
Tiffany [00:06:23] My gosh.
Meredith [00:06:23] I really had to go.
Tiffany [00:06:24] Back in my party days.
Meredith [00:06:25] I’m a terrible mom. I literally just realized why we had-
Tiffany [00:06:29] A hypocrite.
Meredith [00:06:29] Yeah. I’m a hypocrite. Nevermind. I’ve peed on the side of the road. All right. Nevermind. It’s fine. It’s not a big deal.
Tiffany [00:06:34] Pee all over the car honey.
Meredith [00:06:35] Just pee wherever you want people. This is your world. We’re just living in it. All right. Today’s trending parenting news is brought to you by Grove Collaborative.
Tiffany [00:06:44] Knock knock.
Meredith [00:06:45] Who’s there?
Tiffany [00:06:46] Pumpkin.
Meredith [00:06:46] Pumpkin who?
Tiffany [00:06:47] Knock knock.
Meredith [00:06:48] Who’s there?
Tiffany [00:06:49] Pumpkin.
Meredith [00:06:50] Pumpkin who?
Tiffany [00:06:52] Knock knock.
Meredith [00:06:53] Oh my God. Who’s there?
Tiffany [00:06:55] Orange.
Meredith [00:06:57] Orange who?
Tiffany [00:06:57] Orange you glad I didn’t say, pumpkin?
Meredith [00:06:59] This is terrible. Your joke writer is fired. Fired, fired, fired.
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Meredith [00:07:18] You know I love mum.
Tiffany [00:07:20] Love me some mum.
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Meredith [00:08:09] In trending news, we have kosher/not kosher. Here’s the thing. Do you think we get too offended as parents these days? It seems like all over the internet, all over the globe, people are increasingly getting offended over lots and lots of things.
Tiffany [00:08:28] Yes.
Meredith [00:08:29] As parents, there is plenty to be offended about. All the way from pregnancy through having empty-nesters, right? It seems like somebody can say something that just rubs you the wrong way. Our we getting, too offended? Just as like, society.
Tiffany [00:08:45] Yes.
Meredith [00:08:46] Yes we are. Okay.
Tiffany [00:08:47] Without a doubt.
Meredith [00:08:48] Without a doubt. What I thought we’d do is we’d play a little game to start here, where we talk about pregnancy and a woman being pregnant and the things you can or cannot say to a pregnant woman. We’ll turn it into a little, bit of a game. Okay? I read this article from Babble, where they listed 28 things that touch a nerve, when said to pregnant women.
Tiffany [00:09:11] Okay.
Meredith [00:09:12] I’ll read them.
Tiffany [00:09:13] Okay.
Meredith [00:09:14] We’ll go line-by-line and then you tell me, would you be offended, would you not be offended. Yada, yada, yada and why.
Tiffany [00:09:21] Okay.
Meredith [00:09:22] If it’s just a flat out no, it’s no big deal. All right cool, but if this is gonna offend you …
Tiffany [00:09:26] Right.
Meredith [00:09:26] I want specifics.
Tiffany [00:09:28] Okay.
Meredith [00:09:29] Okay? All right. Was it planned?
Tiffany [00:09:32] No. Not offended. Pregnant in a halfway house and everybody asked me that.
Meredith [00:09:39] They asked where it was?
Tiffany [00:09:41] No. When I got pregnant, after dating a guy for two months, who I hardly knew, they said, “So, was this on purpose?” It’s like, clearly Janet, it wasn’t. This is taking a turn. This is probably too much for daytime podcast.
Meredith [00:09:54] I love it. All right. No. Was it planned? Okay.
Tiffany [00:09:58] I’m not offended.
Meredith [00:09:59] We’re saying not offended. Some people apparently are very offended by that.
Tiffany [00:10:03] I understand. That’s a weird thing to ask.
Meredith [00:10:06] I think some of these are weird. Did you take fertility drugs?
Tiffany [00:10:09] So weird.
Meredith [00:10:11] That is a little odd.
Tiffany [00:10:11] Why would you even ask that, unless they were your friend, who … No. Never. I don’t really see an instance which this is okay.
Meredith [00:10:19] Well, and I also think … Right. Unless there’s a precursor to that conversation, why would you ask that?
Tiffany [00:10:24] Yeah.
Meredith [00:10:25] I think the only thing I can think of, is that they are currently themselves thinking about fertility treatment and so they want to find other people who are doing it. I can kind of go down that path.
Tiffany [00:10:36] Right.
Meredith [00:10:36] Maybe you should definitely know, have an idea or an inkling, before you ask somebody, “You taking, a bunch of [inaudible 00:10:43]?”
Tiffany [00:10:43] Yeah.
Meredith [00:10:43] That’s just a weird, it’s kind of, a weird question.
Tiffany [00:10:45] Yeah.
Meredith [00:10:46] I agree with you. You look ready to pop.
Tiffany [00:10:49] Not offensive.
Meredith [00:10:50] No.
Tiffany [00:10:51] I’m not offended by that.
Meredith [00:10:52] I gained 50 pounds with every pregnancy.
Tiffany [00:10:56] Wow.
Meredith [00:10:57] Not only did I look like I was ready to pop, I looked like the broad side of a barn.
Tiffany [00:11:00] What? What?
Meredith [00:11:03] I looked like a barn.
Tiffany [00:11:04] I’ve never heard that before.
Meredith [00:11:05] I did. Not a joke.
Tiffany [00:11:07] Oh my gosh. What a visual.
Meredith [00:11:10] I was very big with my … It wasn’t just my belly. I looked like the marshmallow stay puff … Nevermind. Okay. Can I touch your belly?
Tiffany [00:11:22] It depends. Channing Tatum, sure. Random old lady on the street, probably. I don’t care. Anybody can touch me. I need all the touching I can get really.
Meredith [00:11:33] Okay.
Tiffany [00:11:33] Sorry.
Meredith [00:11:34] All right. That’s not an offensive thing to say to someone?
Tiffany [00:11:36] Nah. Some people do get offended.
Meredith [00:11:39] I don’t want you to touch me ever.
Tiffany [00:11:40] Not asking, that’s offensive. When you just touch my belly, that’s offensive.
Meredith [00:11:45] Ah.
Tiffany [00:11:45] If you give me the heads up and I have time to prepare …
Meredith [00:11:47] Okay, you gotta mentally get ready for that.
Tiffany [00:11:50] Yeah.
Meredith [00:11:50] To be touched by a stranger.
Tiffany [00:11:51] Right.
Meredith [00:11:53] Yeah. Have you picked a name yet?
Tiffany [00:11:57] I don’t think that’s offensive at all, do you?
Meredith [00:11:59] I do. I’ll tell you why.
Tiffany [00:12:00] Really? Okay.
Meredith [00:12:02] People name steal.
Tiffany [00:12:05] What?
Meredith [00:12:07] This happened to us.
Tiffany [00:12:09] What?
Meredith [00:12:10] We had a family member, who was pregnant at the same time that I was. They said, “We are looking for a name. What are you gonna name it, if it’s a boy or a girl?” We said, the girl name and the boy name. They then took our girl name and named their baby that. I had a boy, but then when I went to have a girl, I couldn’t name her, what we had picked.
Tiffany [00:12:35] Do they listen to this podcast?
Meredith [00:12:37] I’m sure I’ll get a text.
Tiffany [00:12:38] So awkward. Is it a known fact that she stole it? Have you talked to her about it?
Meredith [00:12:43] I don’t think it was her. I think it was the ex husband, who stole it. I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt. It’s totally cool now. It’s like, it’s NBD, but at the time, I was ticked, because …
Tiffany [00:12:54] Look at you with your code, you hip son of a gun.
Meredith [00:12:56] That means, no big deal. They totally ganked my name.
Tiffany [00:13:01] That’s sucks.
Meredith [00:13:03] It’s okay now though. I have my Sophia and my Sophia could be nothing other than a Sophia.
Tiffany [00:13:08] What was it?
Meredith [00:13:10] Cecilia.
Tiffany [00:13:11] Oh crap, you just put them on blast.
Meredith [00:13:13] I did.
Tiffany [00:13:13] I’m sorry. You could have just said … I’m sorry. This is awkward.
Meredith [00:13:16] And BD. It’s totally cool. You know what? She knows we’re cool. If she were to call and say something, it’s totally fine.
Tiffany [00:13:23] Okay.
Meredith [00:13:24] It did. People steal names. It’s a legit thing that people do.
Tiffany [00:13:28] Okay.
Meredith [00:13:29] Yeah, yeah. I’m just saying. I’m just saying …
Tiffany [00:13:32] [inaudible 00:13:32].
Meredith [00:13:32] Yeah. How about, you shouldn’t be eating or drinking that?
Tiffany [00:13:37] Ew. I hate that so much. Why can’t I have seven Bud lights? What’s the big deal? It’s good for the baby. Mind your business.
Meredith [00:13:47] Well.
Tiffany [00:13:47] I’m just kidding. I don’t drink.
Meredith [00:13:48] Yikes.
Tiffany [00:13:50] No, but really. I unsolicited advice gets on my nerves sometimes, most of the time. When somebody’s like, “Oh, sugar’s not good for the baby. The baby will be doing jumping jacks.” It makes me wanna be like, “You’ll be doing jumping jacks out the front door of my house if you tell me what to do one more time.”
Meredith [00:14:08] Yeah, the other thing that somebody stopped me. I was eating lunch meat, a sub.
Tiffany [00:14:15] Oh yeah, cold cuts.
Meredith [00:14:16] They were like, “You can’t have that. You’re gonna get Listeria and kill your baby.” I was like, “There’s a special place in hell for you.”
Tiffany [00:14:22] Yeah.
Meredith [00:14:23] Back up. Don’t say that to somebody.
Tiffany [00:14:25] Yeah.
Meredith [00:14:25] And then I did realize, you shouldn’t eat cold cuts.
Tiffany [00:14:29] Yeah.
Meredith [00:14:30] I didn’t know, right? And then I stopped.
Tiffany [00:14:32] I think there’s a way to say it though.
Meredith [00:14:34] Yeah.
Tiffany [00:14:35] Me. I’m good at beating around the bush. Oh my gosh. Did you hear that news report about cold cuts? Apparently, moms are breaking out Listeria. That’s crazy, right? That leaves you the opportunity to consider your own choices.
Meredith [00:14:46] Right. You don’t have to basically be like …
Tiffany [00:14:48] You’re a crappy mom-to-be.
Meredith [00:14:51] That’s hard enough. You’re already panicked about every single thing.
Tiffany [00:14:54] Exactly.
Meredith [00:14:54] I was the most panicked pregnant person on the planet.
Tiffany [00:14:57] Hello.
Meredith [00:14:58] Terrible. How about these, which people do all the time. I never had morning sickness or I was sick the whole nine months. Everybody wants to tell you what they had, right? I think we’re sharers.
Tiffany [00:15:12] Yes.
Meredith [00:15:14] Do you think you are then, thinking about your own? If you’re not sick, is that an indicator of something, or if you’re too sick, is that an indicator? Do you do that in your head?
Tiffany [00:15:23] No.
Meredith [00:15:23] I did.
Tiffany [00:15:24] No. I’m grateful. I wasn’t sick really with my kids. Every time that somebody would bring up my pregnancy, they would tell me their story about everything.
Meredith [00:15:37] Right.
Tiffany [00:15:38] And then, it wasn’t about me anymore. It was about them. I honestly didn’t care.
Meredith [00:15:41] Right.
Tiffany [00:15:43] I had to pretend like I cared.
Meredith [00:15:44] Right.
Tiffany [00:15:44] I didn’t wanna be rude.
Meredith [00:15:45] Right.
Tiffany [00:15:45] Yeah. It’s about me right now.
Meredith [00:15:48] Right. These nine months.
Tiffany [00:15:49] Look at this belly. Why are we even talking about you? Your kid’s 18. Let’s just give me some attention for this nine months.
Meredith [00:15:55] Right. Exactly. I feel ya.
Tiffany [00:15:57] Jeez.
Meredith [00:15:57] By the way, I was sick the whole time.
Tiffany [00:15:59] Were you?
Meredith [00:16:02] No. I’m just kidding. I had terrible morning sickness, but it stopped at 12 weeks. No. I was a puker. All right.
Tiffany [00:16:08] Oh, I have one. Yeah, sorry.
Meredith [00:16:10] Yeah, go.
Tiffany [00:16:11] When I was pregnant, because of the situation surrounding my pregnancy, because of what happened or whatever, instead of people being excited, they would say, “What are you gonna do?” It’s like, “What do you mean, what am I gonna do? Are you asking if I’m going to give it away, and this, have it? What?” You know what I mean? That’s a personal decision. I feel like that’s a rude question to ask somebody.
Meredith [00:16:39] That’s a good jumping point for this next one. At the end of this article, of things you shouldn’t say to pregnant women, it was … People commented in about things that had been said to them. These were great. One reader said, she was asked, “Are you still with the father?” That’s a question.
Tiffany [00:17:00] What.
Meredith [00:17:00] How are you … Why? Why? One woman wrote, “Somebody walked past me and just said, Moo.”
Tiffany [00:17:07] Yeah right.
Meredith [00:17:08] That’s what she said.
Tiffany [00:17:09] Oh, I would have kicked their ankle out from underneath them.
Meredith [00:17:12] This one lady says, “When I told my boss I was pregnant with my first child, the first thing he said was, “Are you gonna keep it?”
Tiffany [00:17:19] Yeah. What is that?
Meredith [00:17:20] Are you gonna keep it? No, I thought I’d sell this one on eBay.
Tiffany [00:17:25] Yeah, what?
Meredith [00:17:26] What are you thinking about? This was great. Although I had been with my husband for nine years, my mother-in-law had the nerve to ask me if the baby was his. “So, is it his, Susan?”
Tiffany [00:17:39] Oh my gosh.
Meredith [00:17:39] Could you imagine? Could you imagine these conversations?
Tiffany [00:17:42] It would have to be a joke, in order for it to be acceptable.
Meredith [00:17:44] I don’t know that it is. Here’s the last one. We were having our weekly ultrasound. My doctor didn’t say anything about the baby’s heart or lungs. Instead, he said, “And there’s his balls.”
Tiffany [00:17:56] I would like it.
Meredith [00:17:57] I thought too. I was reading this and I’m like, “That’s my kind of doc.”
Tiffany [00:17:59] That’s a cool doctor.
Meredith [00:18:00] Look at him. He sees the balls. We’ve got a baby boy with the balls. All right. Ken, I think we should take a caller.
Tiffany [00:18:08] Okay. Yes.
Meredith [00:18:09] I think they should tell us, the most awful, or offensive thing someone said to them, while they were pregnant.
Tiffany [00:18:15] Yes.
Meredith [00:18:16] Personally, I … You know what got me, that I hated?
Tiffany [00:18:22] What?
Meredith [00:18:22] I’ll just … I don’t know why, but I was an eater. Okay? I was hungry all the time. I ate a lot …
Tiffany [00:18:31] Okay.
Meredith [00:18:31] of junk.
Tiffany [00:18:32] Same.
Meredith [00:18:33] My favorite thing was to dunk Cheetos in chocolate milk. I did it.
Tiffany [00:18:40] What?
Meredith [00:18:40] I did it frequently. I did it unapologetically.
Tiffany [00:18:45] Are you serious? Okay. I don’t judge.
Meredith [00:18:48] I would eat six of eight waffle, Eggo’s. Then, I would hammer a meal, take a nap, hammer another meal. I don’t know why I was 50 baby weight.
Tiffany [00:18:58] Listen.
Meredith [00:19:00] Here, you know what got me? One time we were eating and somebody looked at me and they said, “Wow. You eat with such gusto.”
Tiffany [00:19:10] Are you serious?
Meredith [00:19:15] I was like, “Agh, agh.” I was so offended, because all I … I really enjoyed eating, right? I’m not a big eater. Just like, as a rule of thumb, me, I could give or take food. I’m just not a big eater, right?
Tiffany [00:19:30] Right. Same.
Meredith [00:19:33] When I … Every time I was pregnant though, I just always wanted to eat.
Tiffany [00:19:37] Wow.
Meredith [00:19:39] I was so offended, I cried.
Tiffany [00:19:41] Really?
Meredith [00:19:42] Cried and cried. I cried. Well, you’re emotional anyway, right? You got a bajillion hormones racing through you. I was … I just cried. I broke down. And then, I ate.
Tiffany [00:19:51] Did you know the person who said it?
Meredith [00:19:52] Yeah.
Tiffany [00:19:53] Okay.
Meredith [00:19:55] I just let it go, because I don’t think it was meant to be hurtful.
Tiffany [00:20:00] Right.
Meredith [00:20:00] I took it so personally. I wasn’t going to dare go and be like, “You’re an awful human being,” cause they weren’t. I was just an emotional eater.
Tiffany [00:20:10] I get it. Do you know what my food of choice was when I was pregnant?
Meredith [00:20:12] What?
Tiffany [00:20:13] Ice.
Meredith [00:20:14] You’re an ice chewer?
Tiffany [00:20:16] Yep.
Meredith [00:20:16] That’s, I think a common one.
Tiffany [00:20:18] I looked it up.
Meredith [00:20:19] Yeah.
Tiffany [00:20:19] It’s pretty common for some reason.
Meredith [00:20:21] Yeah. I think it’s the texture.
Tiffany [00:20:23] Yeah. The crunch. Yeah. I think there is something to be said for that. I’ve never heard of Cheetos and chocolate milk. I’m intrigued. Did you drink the milk?
Meredith [00:20:31] No. It was just dunking.
Tiffany [00:20:33] That’s preposterous.
Meredith [00:20:37] You didn’t eat anything gross when you were pregnant?
Tiffany [00:20:40] I mean, I eat gross stuff all the time, in general in life. I don’t know what … That combination I can’t understand. Back in the day, when I used to puff the magic dragon, I poured caramel sauce on a piece of bread, thinking it would be a delicious …
Meredith [00:20:58] Dessert?
Tiffany [00:20:59] Yeah. It was horrific. It was sticky and disgusting. That was the most extreme that I think I’ve gone. Two things that don’t go together. I can’t … What started it, you just looked at the two and you were like …
Meredith [00:21:11] I wanted Cheetos all the time. I got so excited. I also knew I had a love for chocolate milk that matched non other. I thought, what could be better than Cheetos and chocolate milk?
Tiffany [00:21:21] Anything.
Meredith [00:21:21] I’ll tell you, it was the best.
Tiffany [00:21:23] It’s like french [crosstalk 00:21:24] fries and shakes.
Meredith [00:21:25] I would eat fudge pops too.
Tiffany [00:21:27] Maybe if somebody … Nevermind. That’ll open up a whole can.
Meredith [00:21:31] Oh yeah. Oh, we got a can. Yeah. Anyway, we do have a caller now.
Tiffany [00:21:37] I don’t even believe it. I’ll believe it when I see it.
Meredith [00:21:40] No. We do. Look.
Tiffany [00:21:41] Oh.
Meredith [00:21:41] Welcome them.
Tiffany [00:21:42] Hello. Brenna from Georgia. What offended or would offend you during pregnancy? What is something that’s somebody said, or could say that would tick you off?
Brenna [00:21:56] My son … We had a birthday party for my son last … Yeah, September first. I’m pregnant now. I’m due in January. I’m six months pregnant now.
Tiffany [00:22:07] Congrats.
Brenna [00:22:08] Thank you. My husband’s grandmother was at the birthday party. She came up to me and she said,” Well, you’re getting pretty big with this one, don’t you think.”
Tiffany [00:22:19] Whoa.
Meredith [00:22:20] Oh. Did she have a measuring tape?
Brenna [00:22:24] She’s one of those that doesn’t have a filter.
Tiffany [00:22:26] Right.
Brenna [00:22:27] It kind of offended me a little, bit, because I’ve lost 32 pounds during this pregnancy. I haven’t gained anything.
Tiffany [00:22:35] Oh. You’re thinking, “Man. I’m fit. I’m doing this right,” and then she comes up like, “Hey. You’re like a beached whale.”
Meredith [00:22:43] You look like you eat Cheetos and chocolate milk.
Brenna [00:22:46] Exactly. Exactly. I was just like, “Okay. Thanks, I guess.”
Meredith [00:22:51] I know. How do you …
Tiffany [00:22:52] It’s a grandma. You can’t …
Meredith [00:22:53] Yeah. That’s the worst.
Brenna [00:22:53] Exactly.
Tiffany [00:22:53] That’s the worst too.
Brenna [00:22:53] You really can’t say much. This is my second child. I feel like I got pretty big with my first, but this one is just my stomach.
Tiffany [00:23:09] Her eyes are probably going out. You know what I mean? It’s not you.
Meredith [00:23:12] Yeah. She’s old.
Tiffany [00:23:12] Yeah, you look great.
Brenna [00:23:14] Yeah. You have to give her a pass. You know, she’s old.
Meredith [00:23:18] Yeah. I do think, sometimes, when family are the ones who are being offensive toward us, you have to be careful with your response simply because … Mine, I didn’t know if it was just that it was offensive to me, or if it was offensive in general. I think it was just offensive to me. I didn’t wanna say anything. You know what I mean. You know grandma best. I’d say, let that go. You definitely had the right to have your feelings hurt. It would have hurt mine.
Brenna [00:23:47] Exactly. Yeah.
Meredith [00:23:48] Yeah.
Brenna [00:23:49] I just brushed it off and I was like, “Okay.” Whatever.
Meredith [00:23:54] NBD. Grandma. NBD. That’s my word of the day.
Tiffany [00:23:58] I like it.
Brenna [00:24:00] It seems to be a grandparent thing. I know, after my son was born, congratulations on having your son, if that’s what you wanted.
Meredith [00:24:13] Oh, if that’s what you wanted.
Brenna [00:24:15] I was just kind of like, “Okay. Yeah, that’s what we wanted. I mean, we planned for it. Thanks for your congratulations I guess.”
Meredith [00:24:21] I wanted a chicken, not a baby. We got a baby.
Tiffany [00:24:27] Well, thank you so much for calling. I’m so glad you got through and congratulations on your upcoming BB’s.
Meredith [00:24:35] I think we should move onto parenting crap.
Tiffany [00:24:37] I love parenting crap.
Meredith [00:24:38] So do I. Parenting crap is brought to you by Fab Fit Fun Subscription Box. Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box with full size beauty, fitness, fashion and lifestyle products. One of the reasons I love Fab Fit Fun is because each season, since the fall of 2015, they have provided charitable contributions to a specific charity that supports and empowers women.
Tiffany [00:25:01] It retails for 49.99, but always has a value of over 200 dollars. Use coupon, take it, for 10 dollars off your first box at www.fabfitfun.com.
Meredith [00:25:14] All right. In parenting crap, we are gonna talk a little, bit about another kosher/not kosher thing, which is discussing parents with special needs children.
Tiffany [00:25:26] I’m so glad we’re talking about this.
Meredith [00:25:26] We’re gonna talk about that.
Tiffany [00:25:28] I have so many questions. I don’t know what’s right, what’s wrong. I’m stoked that we’re bringing this up.
Meredith [00:25:35] Here’s just one little stat, that we’ll get into as we broach these. Did you know that one in 70 kids, is being diagnosed with autism?
Tiffany [00:25:45] I did not.
Meredith [00:25:45] One in 70 is being diagnosed on the spectrum of the autism spectrum.
Tiffany [00:25:51] That’s pretty common.
Meredith [00:25:52] Yeah. It’s a very wide, very spectrum, it’s massive. It can be many, different things.
Tiffany [00:26:02] That’s what I heard is that if you know what they say …
Meredith [00:26:00] It can be many different things.
Tiffany [00:26:02] That’s what I heard is that if you know, they say if you know one child with autism you know one child with autism because every single child is different.
Meredith [00:26:10] Right, so the spectrum and where they fall on the spectrum is very, very different. I personally get a lot of questions because we have a son who is on the spectrum. First things first, I figured we’d start here. I do not associate with the words special needs.
Tiffany [00:26:29] Okay.
Meredith [00:26:30] Personally, I don’t. I don’t believe that because I have three children who are all special. My son has different needs.
Tiffany [00:26:38] Oh, okay.
Meredith [00:26:41] I like to be called a different needs parent and he is just, he has different needs. That’s what we do. I’m not offended when people say special needs by any stretch, it’s just not the way that I’m going to own this.
Tiffany [00:26:54] I like it.
Meredith [00:26:55] That’s my thing. I read an article from the Reader’s Digest that talked about things you shouldn’t say to “special needs” or “different needs” parents.
Tiffany [00:27:06] Good.
Meredith [00:27:08] I figured you could, first of all, if you have any questions let’s go ahead and you can ask the questions. Then, if you want to go through these I’ll tell you my response to them.
Tiffany [00:27:17] I think that my questions are probably going to be covered here. I, as somebody who doesn’t have a special needs, different needs child, I don’t know much about what it entails, so I would like to know what’s okay and what’s not okay. For example, if I see a parent of an autistic child who is in the process of having a, what do you call it?
Meredith [00:27:42] Meltdown?
Tiffany [00:27:42] Meltdown?
Meredith [00:27:43] Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Tiffany [00:27:44] What would I do in that situation? Would I pretend like I don’t see it? Would you rather me ask questions or not ask questions? I don’t know anything. I’m a brand new born baby when it comes to this subject, so anything would be educational.
Meredith [00:28:00] Okay, so first of all we all have kids and all of our kids have probably had a tantrum or a fit.
Tiffany [00:28:08] Right.
Meredith [00:28:08] What I want parents to know who have never dealt with this is that a fit or a tantrum is something that you can usually talk your kid down from. At some point you can have a conversation, or some form of like a time out or something is going to squash the fit or the tantrum. That is not what a meltdown is.
Meredith [00:28:31] When my son has a meltdown, a meltdown can last hours. It can last hours, and hours, and hours. During a meltdown there can be physical hitting, I can get hit, he can hit himself. We do hug therapy, which is where I just hold him so that he can’t kick, and hit, and punch and you have to remember, too, that as somebody who’s been hit, and kicked, and punched by their child it’s an awful, awful feeling when they do that in a rage moment like that. But it’s not them in that moment. When they’re having a meltdown it’s not them. My son actually gets what we call shark eyes. His eyes kind of glaze over. He doesn’t look like he’s looking at you, he doesn’t look like he’s connecting, he’s not in control.
Tiffany [00:29:13] I just got goosebumps.
Meredith [00:29:14] He has not control. At that moment in time, if a meltdown is happening and like let’s say it’s happening in a grocery store. It’s happened there. My response was, “It’s time to go.” I’ve left a cart full of frozen foods full. I literally went up to a cashier and said, “I can’t stay here now.” I’ve handed over the cart and I’ve walked bear hugging my kid out the door to get him into the car, to get him strapped in so that he can’t hurt himself, or hurt me, and I’ve had to go home and felt terrible because now they had to go put all of those groceries that I spent an hour trying to get into the cart out.
Meredith [00:29:54] If a mom saw that happening, and I’m sure people saw me that day but nobody approached me and nobody said anything. What I would have appreciated was somebody saying, “Hey, let me take this cart for you and I’ll go talk to management and let them know what happened. You go do you.” I would have loved that, because everybody did ignore me. It was fine, because they ignored me and they acted like I wasn’t there. I was obviously there. I’m sure there’s still security film to prove it. That’s happened and it is not a fun place to be as a parent. It’s happened at restaurants, it’s happened at doctor’s appointments, it’s happened in public places. Our response is usually just, “We’re done now and we’re leaving.” I can’t have that. I can’t deal with that out in public, but it’s not a fit and it’s not a tantrum.
Tiffany [00:30:43] There’s nothing you can do to diffuse the situation, you have no choice but to leave.
Meredith [00:30:47] He has to get through that meltdown, and the thing is you don’t necessarily know what’s going to trigger it.
Tiffany [00:30:54] Really?
Meredith [00:30:55] No. You learn about triggers. Sometimes the lights are too bright. Sometimes there’s too much noise. Fireworks, he can’t do fireworks. He has noise canceling headphones that we’ll put on him. It’s almost like things are too bright for him, things are too loud for him. He gets overwhelmed and he gets anxious [crosstalk 00:31:14] …
Tiffany [00:31:14] Overstimulated?
Meredith [00:31:15] … overstimulated. I would say if I was out in public, I wouldn’t mind a hand if that was happening. For somebody to just be like, “It’s cool, I got you.”
Tiffany [00:31:22] You wouldn’t be offended?
Meredith [00:31:23] I would not be offended by that.
Tiffany [00:31:25] That’s good to know.
Meredith [00:31:26] I would not be offended by that.
Tiffany [00:31:28] I think people don’t know what to do in these situations. If you don’t know, you don’t know. I think averting your eyes and pretending like it’s not happening is the common thing. I, also, as a person who loves helping other people would love to be helpful in a situation like that should I see it. Thank you for sharing that, first of all. I had no idea.
Tiffany [00:31:50] I think talking about things that are offensive is good, as well, because I have no clue what to say or what not to say, and as I’m looking over this list I have probably said one of these things before not knowing that it is offensive. We can switch the roles here. I’ll ask you if this would offend you and why.
Meredith [00:32:11] Okay.
Tiffany [00:32:12] It’s amazing how smart he is.
Meredith [00:32:15] Yeah, so the thing, once again, I am not an expert on autism, I am only an expert on my son. I’m only, I just did an interview with fathering autism and he had a great quote. He said, “I’m only an expert on my child up to yesterday, because I know everything that happened up to that point. Today is a new challenge, today is a new day.” I know about Brian, and I know about how we deal with him on the spectrum.
Meredith [00:32:43] First of all, Brian is extremely intelligent. Very, very smart boy. Great with numbers. Fantastic. He can rattle off times table at damn near a sixth grade level and he’s in second grade.
Tiffany [00:32:55] Really?
Meredith [00:32:56] He’s very smart, he’s very bright. Brian, when we’re talking about the spectrum, he has sensory issues, he has some processing issues. He doesn’t like to wear clothes, he doesn’t like certain fabrics, he doesn’t like things touching his body. He doesn’t want me to pet him. He doesn’t like to be touched in that manner. There are certain things that we have to work, you know, but I mean, you never know with a kid on the spectrum what the issue is. Okay? To say to them, “I had no idea your kid was so smart.” That’s offensive. Don’t say that.
Tiffany [00:33:34] Right, because it implies [crosstalk 00:33:35]
Meredith [00:33:35] It implies that all children with autism have some sort of a mental impairment and they don’t. You don’t know what you’re going to get. You don’t know what’s going to happen. I mean, when we started his diagnosis process he was only 15 months old, but he was flagged because he wasn’t walking and he wasn’t talking. We had to go through a lot of hoops until he was finally diagnosed. He’s been diagnosed with several things, but autism was at four. Everything changes day-to-day. No, don’t say that. That’s offensive.
Tiffany [00:34:08] Okay, good to know. Cross that one out. Oh, so what if when someone finds out that your child has autism, or special needs, and they say, “I am sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry.”
Meredith [00:34:19] I know the sentiment is there that they want to have like, you know how you have that mom heart that breaks for other people, but I’m not sorry.
Tiffany [00:34:26] See, I can because I felt it when you were telling your story about the grocery store and not being … My heart like went out to you. I think it’s good to know that this is offensive.
Meredith [00:34:42] Here’s the thing. I think if somebody said it to me I would just come back with, “I’m not sorry. This is Brian, and I wouldn’t trade Brian for the way he is.” If somebody could come up to me today and say, “Your son is no longer autistic, he is no longer on the spectrum, he no longer has mild CP, he no longer has these things,” I’d say, “No, I’ll pass.”
Tiffany [00:35:00] What? Really?
Meredith [00:35:01] Nope, I’m going to keep Brian just the way Brian is because Brian was built and put together exactly the way he was supposed to be for us, and for himself.
Tiffany [00:35:10] Why am I getting emotional about this?
Meredith [00:35:13] That’s it, right? Our kids are made exactly the way they’re supposed to be made. We are all puzzle pieces, we just get put together differently.
Tiffany [00:35:23] I was not expecting this.
Meredith [00:35:25] It’s good, right? You wouldn’t trade your kids. These are things that happen for a reason and we are put together, we’re all put together and perfectly imperfect little puzzle pieces, right? No, like I’m not trading things. That’s my bubby, that’s my boy, that’s my baby and I love him. I think that people come from a good place there, but you have to remember that saying that, you know, you don’t need to be sorry for me.
Tiffany [00:35:53] Right.
Meredith [00:35:53] We’re good.
Tiffany [00:35:54] Just the way he is.
Meredith [00:35:55] Yeah, he’s perfectly imperfect.
Tiffany [00:35:57] Oh, man. Okay, we’ve got to move on because I’ll get lost in this for a long time. I don’t understand this one. Stop spoiling her?
Meredith [00:36:06] I think sometimes people think that we baby kids who are on the spectrum, or we dote on them too much, or we give them too much attention.
Tiffany [00:36:14] Really?
Meredith [00:36:14] I think I was guilty of that a bit in the beginning because I was in a headspace where I would say things like, “Well, he can’t do that. He’s not going to be able to do that. I’m not going to push him. I’m not going to push him to do that. He can’t do that. No, no, no, we’re not going to make him do that.” As soon as I realized what I was doing, because my husband lovingly pointed it out to me, and he did and he was right. I’m saying it on record, he was right. No, he can do, he can do lots, and lots, and lots of things. I carried that child, I kid you not, for 18 or 19 months on my hip. When he finally started to walk I wasn’t ready for him to walk because I had been carrying him for 19 months. He walked with a limp and then he wore a brace until he was about five.
Tiffany [00:37:02] I didn’t know any of this.
Meredith [00:37:03] Yeah, but now he’s like, he’s slaying it. He plays soccer, he does all sorts of stuff. He got through his therapies for that. He has a misshapen foot, they call it moon foot, which is an issue that he has from the brain damage from his birth injury, but I mean like it’s not stopping him. I was in the beginning stopping him. “Oh, he can’t do that. No, no, he can’t do that. No, he’s not there.”
Tiffany [00:37:26] I feel like that’s how I would be.
Meredith [00:37:28] I think once you get out of your own way with that no, they can do so many different things. I think that’s what is meant by that as coddling. You’re coddling them.
Tiffany [00:37:39] That makes sense.
Meredith [00:37:39] Yeah. Sometimes we do and you have to stop.
Tiffany [00:37:43] Has anybody ever said this to you? He needs to learn to control his behavior?
Meredith [00:37:48] Yes.
Tiffany [00:37:48] Are you kidding?
Meredith [00:37:50] Yes, and then I’m going to add to that one. They’ve also said, “You medicate him, right?”
Tiffany [00:37:54] *gasp*
Meredith [00:37:56] I get that one.
Tiffany [00:37:57] From who?
Meredith [00:37:58] People at the park, people you know, people you think that are your friends will tell you that all the time because here’s the thing. Once again, I can only speak from being Brian’s mom. Brian is 0-60 in negative seconds, if that’s possible. The kid just goes, and when he goes he’s everywhere on everything. He’s all over the place like a spider monkey crawling up walls. I mean, the kid is just everywhere, right?
Tiffany [00:38:25] Right.
Meredith [00:38:26] Reeling him in and getting him to calm down is a process. You have to actually count the kid down. It’s like, “Okay, 5, we need you to calm down now.” You go through this, “4,” and we count down backwards to try and get him to calm down. People are like, “Well, you know, you should really learn to control that.” It’s like, “That was controlling it. Did you see what I just did? There was counting, there were steps involved.” That’s controlling it. We’re doing everything we can. We go to therapy, we do all of these things. You have to remember, all kids are different anyway, and my kid is, like this is a different zip code on your map, right? He’s doing his own thing.
Meredith [00:39:07] The whole medication thing, like obviously, there are times when we do need to have conversations with doctors about medicating our children for different things or whatever, but that’s none of your business unless I bring it up to have that discussion with you.
Tiffany [00:39:20] Wow.
Meredith [00:39:20] Right? Don’t ask somebody, “Are you medicating your kid because their behavior sucks.” That’s not okay.
Tiffany [00:39:28] Maybe don’t do that.
Meredith [00:39:29] Yeah, don’t do that.
Tiffany [00:39:30] Oh my gosh.
Meredith [00:39:31] Yeah, so that is offensive.
Tiffany [00:39:33] He looks normal to me.
Meredith [00:39:35] That’s another tough one with autism because when you look at these kids, they look …
Tiffany [00:39:46] It’s just ignorance, I think.
Meredith [00:39:48] I think, yeah, I think they just don’t know. But no, the reality is what’s different is his wiring. He is wired very differently. He is wired in a way that things, connections are different for him, how he sees things, the fact that there’s no filter. He’s totally black and white. It’s this or that but it can’t possibly be in the middle. He’s wired different and so I think you have to remember that discussing a child’s appearance in connection to their varied needs is not something that you want to do. It doesn’t necessarily offend me, but it’s not something that you would maybe want to have a conversation with a parent who has kids with different needs that you’d want to have that conversation. It’s not, just don’t worry about that. The way they look makes no difference. Don’t worry about it. That’s fine.
Tiffany [00:40:40] That’s why we’re talking about this, today. I’m sure most of these people don’t have ill intentions except for the people that tell you you need to medicate your kid.
Meredith [00:40:47] No. I think that sometimes people are just, like you said, they project their advice on you and they give this unsolicited advice. It’s like do you really think that I’m not reading everything I need to read? Going to all of the therapies and doing the things? I think sometimes the issue becomes when they catch you on a bad day and they say it. That’s when it’s like you have to really keep it together because then it can go sideways. But I don’t think people have ill intentions.
Tiffany [00:41:13] Right, right, so it’s good that we’re … What about a caller? Should we take a caller? Somebody who maybe has a different needs child who has some experience and can tell us what’s something they don’t want to hear or something they do want to hear?
Meredith [00:41:27] Yeah, and I’ve written about this quite extensively when Brian was being first diagnosed. I actually, we got the diagnosis and I didn’t talk to anybody. I didn’t talk to anybody except my husband about it. The first thing I did was actually write an open letter to my son called Dear Son, You Are Perfectly Imperfect. I wrote this letter to him and it was everything that I needed to get off my chest. I ended up publishing it and then I took a lot of flack from my family because they were like, “You didn’t talk to us. You didn’t tell us this.” I was like, “I had to make my peace. I had to write, that was how I got through it, and now I’m ready to talk about it. I wasn’t ready before.” You also have to let somebody who’s recently got a diagnosis of a tag, or a label, or anything for their kid, give them time. If you want to do something invite them for a girl’s night out. Have them over for coffee. But if they don’t want to talk about the diagnosis, talk about anything else. Talk about the new top 10 sex positions in Cosmo, I don’t care. Anything else, because that person has to be ready to have the conversation.
Tiffany [00:42:33] Right.
Meredith [00:42:33] All right. Who do we have here? We have Kalyn?
Kalyn [00:42:38] Yes, Kalyn.
Meredith [00:42:41] Kalyn, hello from Washington State with two chickens.
Kalyn [00:42:45] Yes, so I’m going to fan girl really quick. You guys, I can’t even say how much I love you guys. When I am feeling low I seek both of you out. I kind of discovered you both at the same time. I can’t believe I made it into call and I just love you guys so much.
Meredith [00:43:04] Thank you so much. We truly appreciate the support.
Tiffany [00:43:07] Thank you. We’re not that cool, though. Just so you know.
Meredith [00:43:10] Stop it.
Tiffany [00:43:10] Well, I mean I am. Just kidding.
Kalyn [00:43:11] You’re that cool. You guys are amazing. I am sort of thick in what Meredith is talking about right now. This show is making me emotional.
Tiffany [00:43:20] I know I was not expecting it.
Kalyn [00:43:21] My four year old just started head start and two weeks in they’re having someone come and observe him and they’re thinking he’s on the spectrum. I just kind of don’t know what to do. Everything that you’re talking about I’ve been experiencing with my kiddo. His dad passed away two months ago, so I’m just sort of doing it on my own a little bit.
Meredith [00:43:46] I’m so sorry for your loss.
Kalyn [00:43:51] Yeah, thank you.
Meredith [00:43:51] What I can tell you is somebody who’s been in the counseling sessions, and the therapy sessions, and the doctor’s and the psychologists, I can tell you that the only thing you can do in this moment and time is take it one step at a time, and that child that you had prior to anybody telling you that he was going to be evaluated for autism is still the exact same child.
Kalyn [00:44:12] Right.
Meredith [00:44:12] Nothing has changed about that child. The only thing that you have to worry about moving forward as you receive a diagnosis, or you get a tag or a label, is how you can improve and how you can make changes to make sure that his life is better each day. Your life is better each day. Really, a diagnosis is actually all right, we’re moving up. We’re moving up now because now we’ve got some information and we have some ideas and we have a plan. That’s what you have to do with that.
Kalyn [00:44:42] Yeah, I’m kind of feeling that way, too. His teachers have rallied and they don’t want to send him off to primary school without a solid EIP.
Meredith [00:44:49] Correct.
Kalyn [00:44:51] They’re really rallying, and I have my parents so I do have support and everything. It’s just sort of, I don’t know how to navigate it, exactly. Everything you have been saying has just been really touching me and I feel it.
Meredith [00:45:01] I can tell you this, sweet pea, you’re doing a great job and here’s the other thing; there’s no road map for this. You have to come to all of these things in your own time and there are going to be days when you’re going to cry on the bathroom floor, just from personal experience, and it’s okay. You can hang on the bathroom floor for a little bit, just don’t pitch a tent. Don’t stay there because there are things to do and you have to move forward. It’s okay to have those brief moments of oh my gosh, this is it. Please know that there are so many different services and so many different therapies and he has not changed. He’s not changed one bit. That is the exact same kid.
Meredith [00:45:45] Now you just need to know, all right, what do we do? How do we tackle this? What is he going to need in school? What accommodations is he going to need and what are the best therapies for him? Once you figure those out, I mean, my kid loves going to therapy. It sounds silly but he loves it. He loves his therapist and she is a wonderful woman. We go and he gets to have his own time with her and we get, and then we have our time together and it’s wonderful.
Tiffany [00:46:14] There’s probably a lot of Facebook support groups for mom’s who are in similar situations that she could gain some insight from by just being in there and reading the posts, right?
Meredith [00:46:22] Absolutely. What you have to understand, too, is there are so many moms out there that are going through this. I always forget because people will message me and they’ll say, “I had no idea you had a kid who was on the spectrum.” I think it’s because we have so much going on and it’s just part of our journey. Maybe I need to mention it more, but it’s really just we go with it, we roll with it everyday and it is what it is. Some days I talk about it more because it was a rough day. Or some days it’s because wow. Like one time, my son isn’t full potty trained yet.
Kalyn [00:46:59] Neither is mine.
Meredith [00:47:01] He’ll be eight Friday, is his birthday, and so he still wets the bed very frequently several times a week. One time he went two weeks without wetting the bed. I was getting very, very excited inside, right? Like I was getting all super excited. Then, I wanted to tell someone but I knew the second I told somebody it would go away, right? That’s how we think as mom’s.
Kalyn [00:47:27] Right.
Meredith [00:47:28] Well, so I go announce like I think I’ve got this whole thing whooped and the next night he wets the bed.
Tiffany [00:47:33] You jinxed it.
Meredith [00:47:34] You just don’t know, right? I feel you and I’m so glad that you called.
Tiffany [00:47:41] Yeah.
Kalyn [00:47:41] I am, too. I can’t even believe it. This means a lot to me to just hear your encouragement. Tiffany, I’ve got to say I am stalking your [inaudible 00:47:49] and I can’t wait to hear the paging. I’m sorry. I hope that was okay to plug that really quick.
Meredith [00:47:55] She’s fantastic.
Tiffany [00:47:56] I love you, too. Thank you.
Kalyn [00:47:56] I’m so glad everything sold and I knew it would. I’m kind of a stalker of you. [inaudible 00:48:04] of you both, so this is amazing. This is going to really lift me up.
Tiffany [00:48:11] Yay! Thank you so much.
Kalyn [00:48:14] This is going to make my week. I love you guys so much and everything you guys do. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Meredith [00:48:17] Thank you so much for calling.
Tiffany [00:48:18] Bye. Thank you so much.
Meredith [00:48:21] You have a great week.
Kalyn [00:48:23] Yep, you too. Love you guys!
Tiffany [00:48:25] Love you.
Meredith [00:48:25] Love ya.
Kalyn [00:48:25] Have a good one. Blessings. Bye.
Tiffany [00:48:27] Bye.
Meredith [00:48:29] What a sweetheart.
Tiffany [00:48:31] You were just like a source of strength for her. She’s at the beginning.
Meredith [00:48:35] I remember. I remember it. I don’t think that’s something you forget. I don’t think it is.
Tiffany [00:48:41] I’m going to be honest, I had no idea. I knew about your son, but I don’t think I ever heard you actually talk about it and I just feel, I didn’t like you before and now I almost want to hug you.
Meredith [00:48:54] Oh, is that where we’re at, huh?
Tiffany [00:48:57] No, but I just feel so soft towards you. I know this is the exact opposite of what you want, but I can’t help it. I think I also admire the fact that it’s not at the forefront of every single conversation that you have because it implies that there’s more to him, there’s more to you than this diagnosis. It’s just something you’re living with, not ruling your life.
Meredith [00:49:20] I think sometimes parents get trapped in that spot and that can be very, very tough. Personally, I can’t do that. We roll. We roll because every person on this planet was dealt a set of cards. Now what you do and how you play your hand is up to you. I’m just going to play my hand the way I see fit and we’re going to do that with all of our kids no matter the obstacle because we’ve got things to do. I’ve got the things.
Tiffany [00:49:50] Lucky sons of guns.
Meredith [00:49:52] I’ve got things to do. We’ve all got things to do. Yeah, I think it’s great that you brought this up because this was actually Tiffany’s idea to have this conversation. We should be talking. We should be talking about this stuff and I’m glad you encouraged me to do so.
Tiffany [00:50:10] Thank you. I feel like there’s like this stigma where if you don’t know something there’s something wrong with you for not knowing. Or you can’t ever admit you don’t know something because you’ll look stupid. Whereas, I always like to ask questions if I don’t know something because we’re navigating the world and you don’t know if you don’t know.
Meredith [00:50:27] No road map.
Tiffany [00:50:28] I feel like I learned a lot today and I think you showed a lot of people out there that they’re not alone. If they’re struggling with this, or a label or a tag, or whatever you called it, it’s not ruling your life.
Meredith [00:50:42] No, no. There’s no time for that, so we just move to the next thing.
Tiffany [00:50:47] I’ve learned so much, too. I need to stop being so weird around people and just trying to hug them all the time.
Meredith [00:50:53] I’m sure lots of people love hugs, I really do. I’m emotionally stunted, but I know people love hugs and I don’t think a hug can ever be wrong. Don’t worry about that, but we should probably move to the next segment.
Tiffany [00:51:05] I’m sorry, I want to talk about this for all year.
Meredith [00:51:07] I don’t know how long we’ve been on. Oh Lord, you want a visual of this? My husband’s like, “Why haven’t you hugged Tiffany, yet?”
Tiffany [00:51:15] It would have been a great moment had it been real, but now it would … Should we make out?
Meredith [00:51:20] Where are we going with this again?
Tiffany [00:51:21] I don’t know. Just kidding. That means high five, Sophia.
Meredith [00:51:24] That means high five, as my daughter appears on this.
Tiffany [00:51:30] I did get a hug the other day from Meredith.
Meredith [00:51:32] I’ll hug.
Tiffany [00:51:32] I haven’t washed my shirt.
Meredith [00:51:34] I’ll hug. I’m fine.
Tiffany [00:51:36] Okay, so what is this?
Meredith [00:51:40] These were just some early signs if people were curious because you talked about not knowing the signs or indicators of autism, so these are just some things to look for if you were concerned about your child not meeting a milestone.
Tiffany [00:51:54] Got it.
Meredith [00:51:54] First and foremost, just understand that yes, all kids come to things on their own. If you are concerned about something, voice it with your pediatrician …
Meredith [00:52:00] But if you are concerned about something, voice it with your pediatrician. If your pediatrician notices something and they flag your child, like my child was flagged, then you need to start really digging down and figuring out what it is. Like, does your toddler make eye contact? Are they putting together, stringing together words? If they’re not making eye contact, if they act like you’re not around, if they don’t like to play with other children, if they’re lining up all of their toys. If they’re not following social cues, like let’s say you stub your toe, and you’re crying, most kids are going to come over and go say, “Oh, Mommy has a boo-boo?” You know, Mommy … If they have no mind to that, if they don’t care, that’s a social cue. They’re not getting that social cue. So there’s lots of different things.
Meredith [00:52:44] But, forget all of that. Mother’s intuition, your gut, if you think there’s something not right with your child and they’re not hitting those milestones, have that conversation with your doctor, make sure that they give you the resources that you need and advocate, advocate, advocate. Because I’ll be honest, my child was not walking or talking and I went in and they were trying to flag him, and I was the opposite. I was like, “No, no. He’s gonna get this on his own. It’s fine.” And they were like, “No, no. Your son’s 15 months old and he’s not walking.” I said, “He walks on his knees.” They’re like, “That’s not a thing.”
Tiffany [00:53:16] That’s called crawling.
Meredith [00:53:18] Yeah. That’s not a thing. And I’m like, “No, no, he … ” And so in order to get him to move around the house … This is terrible, but we’re being honest. I’m going to tell this story.
Tiffany [00:53:26] A snack.
Meredith [00:53:28] I would take a snack and I would have him follow me with these treats. “Come on, come on, come on.”
Tiffany [00:53:35] Yes. A fishing pole on a string. With a Twinkie.
Meredith [00:53:36] How terrible. And then he would actually … if was not interested in that, he would roll from one side of the room to the other …
Tiffany [00:53:43] Really.
Meredith [00:53:44] … and get the treat and then roll back. He’d be like, “All right. Cool. Got a treat. All right, I’ll go back.” And I was just thinking, “Wow, this kid’s so smart, look at him go. He got the treat, he went back.” My doctor looked at me … The face my doctor made when I showed him the knee walking and the rolling across the room …
Tiffany [00:54:03] You’re like, “Look at this, doc.”
Meredith [00:54:05] He looked at me like, “Oh, sweet baby Jesus up above.” He just looked at me and was just in utter shock. And I thought to myself, “Well, this is how we do it at home.” And he’s like, “Sweetheart. We need to run some tests.” And so then that’s when it all started. And then from 15 months forward, we started getting flagged for this, flagged for that …
Tiffany [00:54:29] Wow.
Meredith [00:54:29] And I just figured, he’s going to get it. He’s going to figure it out, he’s going to get it. And it’s fine. We’re fine, we’re all good. But there were things I was not paying attention to is what I meant to say. So if you have an inkling, talk to a doctor.
Tiffany [00:54:45] Good advice.
Meredith [00:54:47] All right. Let’s move on to love and marriage. So love and marriage is brought to you by Tiffany and Meredith, because we are both spectacular wives.
Tiffany [00:54:58] Agreed.
Meredith [00:54:59] Agreed. In today’s segment of love and marriage, we are going to talk about things that you should never say to your spouse. Done, done, done.
Tiffany [00:55:08] This is mainly for the guys that probably aren’t listening.
Meredith [00:55:11] Right? So you’re going to have to make sure that your husband is downloading and listening to this podcast as well.
Tiffany [00:55:17] Or in earshot.
Meredith [00:55:18] Yeah. In earshot. So would you … would or do any of these bother you? What things that your spouse says makes you want to scream? So let’s go ahead and why don’t you take these, Tiff.
Tiffany [00:55:30] So when he says you’re crazy. “You’re crazy. You’re being extreme. You’re overreacting.” I’m not kidding … automatic karate chop to the knee.
Meredith [00:55:42] Knee? Are you sure is it-
Tiffany [00:55:43] Weiner.
Meredith [00:55:44] Weiner. I though maybe it was a wiener shot.
Tiffany [00:55:45] I didn’t know if we could say it. And-
Meredith [00:55:46] You can say wiener, it’s cool.
Tiffany [00:55:48] Your daughter’s staring at me.
Meredith [00:55:51] That’s okay. She knows not to say wiener.
Tiffany [00:55:54] I have anxiety and so I know I’m crazy, but I don’t need you to tell me that. I think my brain’s a little weird and so it’s not that I’m crazy, it’s just that I have a mental thing that makes me jump to conclusions.
Meredith [00:56:09] Right.
Tiffany [00:56:10] The watch checking.
Meredith [00:56:11] I’m sorry, my Fitbit just told me that I needed to get up and take a few steps.
Tiffany [00:56:16] Do it. Right now.
Meredith [00:56:16] I’ve been sedentary too long. Yes. And I’m going to add to that with, “Relax.”
Tiffany [00:56:25] Look at how pissed everybody would be. “Relax.”
Meredith [00:56:27] I hate … and I’m using the word hate and I never say hate … I hate when my husband says, “You just need to relax.” Do you think if I knew how to relax I’d relax? I do not know how to relax. It is not programmed into my brain. I cannot relax.
Tiffany [00:56:42] Right. Exactly.
Meredith [00:56:43] It’s not a thing I can do.
Tiffany [00:56:44] Unlike you, Bill, who is so relaxed all the time that the house could be on fire and you’d be like, “It’s fine. Chill.”
Meredith [00:56:50] “It’s not a big deal. We got this.”
Tiffany [00:56:54] Yeah. How about …
Meredith [00:56:55] Get out of here. Get out of here, Bill!
Tiffany [00:56:56] That’s what I’m saying.
Meredith [00:56:57] You turd. I hate that.
Tiffany [00:56:59] “It’s your fault.” If he said, “It’s your fault.”
Meredith [00:57:02] It’s your fault.
Tiffany [00:57:03] The blaming. I think that my man knows that at this point, nothing is my fault, so he doesn’t even say that.
Meredith [00:57:10] That’s hilarious.
Tiffany [00:57:11] Did you just do a Count Chocula laugh? What? What just happened?
Meredith [00:57:20] Brought to you today by the letter H.
Tiffany [00:57:22] It’s literally what you did.
Meredith [00:57:28] It’s just so … I don’t know. Because that’s the whole thing. These are our brains, right?
Tiffany [00:57:32] Oh my God.
Meredith [00:57:32] So here’s the thing. You get married and for whatever reason, your spouse assumes like, “All right, it’s cool, everything’s gonna be normal.” Well, they’re wrong. Right? Because they married somebody whose brain is just completely …
Tiffany [00:57:45] Right.
Meredith [00:57:45] My brain is just so out there. I mean, the two of us together is just a train wreck.
Tiffany [00:57:50] Your husband said he can’t be around us for longer than a few minutes.
Meredith [00:57:52] More than five minutes. Because we’re two squirrels just trying to fight over this nut or whatever it is that we’re doing, right? I meant an actual nut.
Tiffany [00:58:00] Oh, [crosstalk 00:58:00]. Okay.
Meredith [00:58:01] Okay. So the point is, if I could relax I would.
Tiffany [00:58:09] I can’t take that.
Meredith [00:58:14] Leave me alone. All right, next.
Tiffany [00:58:17] [crosstalk 00:58:17]. Ooh, this one makes me really mad. When you use the words, “You’re always” or “You never,” because I take that as … I can’t explain it.
Meredith [00:58:30] No, no, you can. You explained it perfectly earlier. Or perfectly earlier.
Tiffany [00:58:34] Right. Because if I do … Let’s say washing dishes. Okay? I’ve washed the dishes, let’s say probably 15 times in my life. I put a lot of effort and a lot of time into it, okay. If my husband comes up to me upset and says, “You never wash the dishes.” I’m like, “Excuse me. I have done it 15 times.” And so it negates all the times that I did do it when he says, “Never.” Instead a …
Meredith [00:59:01] You’re correct. I hear-
Tiffany [00:59:02] Listen. Help my brain sort this out, what I’m trying to say.
Meredith [00:59:03] No, I got that. So you’re basically fighting and you’re like, “Hey. Remember February 12? Did the dishes.” Like you had it on lock, right? And then you feel like he doesn’t appreciate me, because I did them on February 12.
Tiffany [00:59:14] Oh. Here’s an example. My husband says I can never admit when I’m wrong, and that ticks me off because I know for a fact I have admitted I was wrong twice. Like I remember just the specific instances …
Meredith [00:59:26] Just the two times?
Tiffany [00:59:27] Yeah. But he said I never do, which is not true.
Meredith [00:59:29] And obviously twice you’ve done it.
Tiffany [00:59:31] At least. But two for sure.
Meredith [00:59:34] Two for sure.
Tiffany [00:59:34] But yeah. Criticism has been identified by researchers as one of the four communication habits that predict divorce. That’s what it says.
Meredith [00:59:41] Ohio.
Tiffany [00:59:42] I can feel that.
Meredith [00:59:44] Yeah. No, because it is. It’s so … What is the word? What’s the word for always and never?
Tiffany [00:59:50] Detrimental. What?
Meredith [00:59:52] It’s finite. It’s finite. You know what I mean, like …
Tiffany [00:59:56] Yeah. No, I know.
Meredith [00:59:57] Yeah. It’s so finite. So that’s why I think that’s a bad word. I was trying to explain finite and I couldn’t explain it.
Tiffany [01:00:01] I know but you kept saying it really loud.
Meredith [01:00:04] It’s just finite! It’s finite! All right, we got it, it’s finite.
Tiffany [01:00:10] Do you know what I’m trying to say? You guys know.
Meredith [01:00:14] I do. I feel you. They know. Everybody knows. Everybody knows. And I literally admitted to being wrong right here on the podcast. I think I admit to being wrong at least once a week on the podcast.
Tiffany [01:00:21] I got it on video.
Meredith [01:00:22] But because here’s the thing. I’m wrong a lot.
Tiffany [01:00:25] Are you?
Meredith [01:00:26] Yeah. Yeah. I-
Tiffany [01:00:27] That’s weird. I can’t relate.
Meredith [01:00:29] Well, I am. I’m wrong a lot. But that doesn’t mean I won’t fight you.
Tiffany [01:00:33] What?
Meredith [01:00:34] To get to the point until I realize, “Oh, that was on me. My bad.” But you know what I mean.
Tiffany [01:00:40] So, the word divorce said in anger or during a fight. Do you guys do that? Oh-
Meredith [01:00:46] I have done it a couple of times.
Tiffany [01:00:48] Really?
Meredith [01:00:49] And just been so in a spot where I was so mad and so angry that I just wanted to be hurtful. I said it to be hurtful.
Tiffany [01:00:57] Right. I can relate.
Meredith [01:00:57] Not because I wanted to do that, because I don’t want to do that at all. I love my husband, I love my husband, I love my husband. I just wanted to be so hurtful to him that I knew that’ll kick him in the balls. That’ll do it.
Tiffany [01:01:10] Right. Did it?
Meredith [01:01:11] It did. And then he got really, really mad at me and then I was like, “I’m really sorry … ” And then two minutes later, “Divorce!” Because you’re in a fight and that’s what people do in a fight and it’s not okay. I’ve not done it recently-ish.
Tiffany [01:01:25] That’s good.
Meredith [01:01:25] Within seven days, at least.
Tiffany [01:01:27] I mean, I never use the D word but I’ve said things like, “Okay, this is not going to work. This is not going to work for me.”
Meredith [01:01:33] That’s usually how I start saying it and then when he’s like, “What’s not gonna work?” And then-
Tiffany [01:01:37] This. Us.
Meredith [01:01:38] Yeah. This. Us. But you won’t say the D word.
Tiffany [01:01:40] Right. I avoid it.
Meredith [01:01:41] The us.
Tiffany [01:01:42] It’s too finite.
Meredith [01:01:43] Yeah, it’s too finite. Finite! It’s finite.
Tiffany [01:01:49] Oh my goodness. Okay. Ooh, what about number seven?
Meredith [01:01:53] Yeah. “Kate never complains to her husband.” “John helps out with carpool.”
Tiffany [01:01:58] Comparing to your friends.
Meredith [01:01:59] Comparative spouse … Spousal comparativization. Say it again?
Tiffany [01:02:06] Okay, I feel like that’s not real.
Meredith [01:02:06] That’s not a word.
Tiffany [01:02:06] It’s not. But yeah. If my husband ever for one second compared me to another woman, I would have to kick him out indefinitely, without using the word …
Meredith [01:02:19] Not using the D word, but this is over.
Tiffany [01:02:23] But I compare him all the time. To your husband, even. Yeah. Not like that. Don’t …
Meredith [01:02:28] Where are we going with it …
Tiffany [01:02:30] I’ll be like, “A, did you know that Meredith’s husband helps her with her work stuff? Okay. Put down the video game controller and get over here and send some emails, dammit.”
Meredith [01:02:38] Send some emails. We have things. We have things. Yeah. But that’s … It’s all …
Tiffany [01:02:45] I’m a hypocrite, I just realized, in this relationship. Everything that pisses me off that he could do, I do it daily.
Meredith [01:02:52] I think that’s just most of us. Forever.
Tiffany [01:02:54] Really?
Meredith [01:02:55] Yeah. In perpetuity. There’s another [crosstalk 01:02:58].
Tiffany [01:02:57] Why so many words I don’t know?
Meredith [01:02:59] Perpetuity means forever, forever, and always.
Tiffany [01:03:01] I thought that was purgatory?
Meredith [01:03:02] Purgatory is where you go when you’re waiting to go to hell. Or heaven.
Tiffany [01:03:06] Oh. Okay. [crosstalk 01:03:07].
Meredith [01:03:07] When it’s a toss-up, you just go wait in purgatory.
Tiffany [01:03:09] Right. You’re just hanging out until they make their decision.
Meredith [01:03:12] Pass. Yeah. That’s not good. Don’t compare spouses. Because here’s one thing that I have learned. As being somebody who has recently been married for 15 years, like we just had our anniversary last week, I can tell you, you do not know what’s going on in other people’s houses behind closed doors. Because I can tell you straight up … Look. We don’t hide it. We fight. There are times when we scream at each other. Things may or may have not been broken in my home.
Tiffany [01:03:43] Does Dave scream?
Meredith [01:03:44] Dave will scream.
Tiffany [01:03:45] I can’t picture it.
Meredith [01:03:46] He does not look like a yeller. When I get super angry, I am silent. Oh yeah. It’s the like, “This is not what you want” look. When he gets mad, he won’t scream because his voice actually can’t do that, but he just gets loud.
Tiffany [01:04:01] I can’t picture it. He’s always talking so chill all the time.
Meredith [01:04:04] Right, right. But so here’s the thing. We talk about that. We communicate through that. We lay our stuff out on the table. In 15 years of marriage, we have watched several couples that we know end in the D word.
Tiffany [01:04:19] Really.
Meredith [01:04:20] And you have to think … Looking back, you thought, “I thought that they were golden and everything was great.” And it’s like you don’t know what’s going on in somebody else’s marriage. You have no idea. You don’t.
Tiffany [01:04:31] Right. So comparing-
Meredith [01:04:31] Don’t compare because you have no idea what they’re doing. And on top of that, this is just what we’re comfortable with. We’re comfortable with sharing this. This doesn’t mean that anybody else has to share their stuff, but you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.
Tiffany [01:04:44] Amen.
Meredith [01:04:44] And he’s the yeller.
Tiffany [01:04:46] I can’t …
Meredith [01:04:47] He’s the yeller.
Tiffany [01:04:47] My husband’s the opposite. I try to get him upset with me on purpose and he doesn’t. I’m like, “I made out with your friend.”
Meredith [01:04:57] You don’t say that. No.
Tiffany [01:04:57] No, but that’s what it would take to get … And I’m the kind of person where sometimes I just want to fight for no reason. I start … I do, I don’t know why. Generally around lady time.
Meredith [01:05:07] Tiffany. Oh. Well, then you’re okay.
Tiffany [01:05:09] I walk out and I’m like, “Hey idiot face, you’re dumb.” And he’s like, “Good morning, what happened? You just woke up?” Yeah, I’m [crosstalk 01:05:17].
Meredith [01:05:16] So you want a fisticuff? That’s what you say, “Hey, 8:00 a.m.”
Tiffany [01:05:21] I just walk out and throat punch him for no reason. “Where’s my coffee?”
Meredith [01:05:25] It’s Tuesday. Yeah. No, I think we all do that sometimes, too. But that’s what I’m saying is these things are normal and that’s what marriage is and that’s life. We should take a caller, though. What is the one thing that gets under your skin to the point where you’re like … The reckoning is coming.
Tiffany [01:05:42] That’s it. Yes. The purge. What about your favorite, number 8?
Meredith [01:05:46] Oh, this one is hilarious. “This is why my mother doesn’t like you.” Or any other form of aligning loyalties with someone else. That’s serious.
Tiffany [01:05:56] Listen.
Meredith [01:05:57] Like holy smokes. You know what I hate? When he says, “You’re just like your mother.”
Tiffany [01:06:02] Has he said that?
Meredith [01:06:03] Oh, yeah. “You’re just like your mother.”
Tiffany [01:06:07] See … I don’t know. I’d be like, “Thanks.”
Meredith [01:06:11] No, not in a delightful way. He doesn’t mean it in a, “Oh, your mom’s such a delight.” He’s like, “You’re just like your mother.”
Tiffany [01:06:16] Oh, gosh. Does your mom listen to this?
Meredith [01:06:18] No. I don’t think my mom knows what a-
Tiffany [01:06:20] I was going to say, we’ll ruin all kinds of friendships.
Meredith [01:06:21] I don’t think my mom knows what a podcast is, but it’s fine. And I’d say this in front of her.
Tiffany [01:06:26] Really?
Meredith [01:06:27] Yeah.
Tiffany [01:06:28] That’s so funny.
Meredith [01:06:29] No, she’s good. Here’s the thing, too. We’re just loud people and we just throw the truths out there in my family.
Tiffany [01:06:39] So what is something that your husband could say that would make you happy? Do you know what? Whenever I try to fight with my husband, he always makes me laugh. And I’ve never had that with anybody, where I’ve been able to snap out of anger.
Meredith [01:06:52] We’re the same way. We were in the middle of a fight the other day, and he kept looking at me, because I was sitting in the back of the car and he was driving and he’s looking in the rearview mirror like this … in the middle of this fight. I’m like, “Don’t look at me like that. I’m mad at you.” And he’s like … And I’m like, “Oh my gosh, stop it. Stop it.”
Tiffany [01:07:09] Yeah. That’s so cute.
Meredith [01:07:10] And so then I couldn’t be mad anymore. So I think I called him a dick and then we moved on. [crosstalk 01:07:16].
Tiffany [01:07:15] Isn’t that so crazy? I’ve never had that before in a relationship.
Meredith [01:07:18] Well, then, you’re solid. You’re solid.
Tiffany [01:07:21] Yeah. So, we have Misty from Utah with three kiddos on the phone. Hi, Misty.
Misty [01:07:27] Hi, how are you ladies?
Meredith [01:07:29] Hey.
Tiffany [01:07:30] Awesome. We’re awesome. How are you?
Misty [01:07:36] You’re talking about me.
Meredith [01:07:38] What do you mean?
Tiffany [01:07:38] What?
Misty [01:07:40] Oh, I thought you … because I couldn’t hear you, sorry. So I was calling about … It kind of ties into married life, divorce, and also autistic kids.
Meredith [01:07:50] Oh, like you’re saying trifecta today.
Misty [01:07:53] Yeah. [crosstalk 01:07:54].
Tiffany [01:07:54] Oh, we’re talking about her life.
Meredith [01:07:56] Got it. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Cool, cool, cool.
Tiffany [01:07:57] I got nervous. I was like, “We haven’t said anything about her. What’d she hear?”
Meredith [01:08:01] I know. I was like, “Misty, I don’t know that we said anything. But maybe we did. I’m so sorry.”
Misty [01:08:05] So I have an autistic daughter who has Asperger’s and a sensory disorder as well. She’ll be 20 in two weeks and it has been a ride. A rollercoaster of emotions [inaudible 01:08:17]. I would say that it probably led to, or didn’t help the fact, that me and my husband ended up getting a divorce. We were divorced for about six years and we managed to keep it together for our kids. There was no fighting, so we juggled it very well considering the situation, because her in itself was tremendously difficult and tremendously trying on every last nerve that we have possible. But we did end up getting back together about five years ago.
Meredith [01:08:51] Really.
Tiffany [01:08:51] What?
Misty [01:08:53] Yeah. So we were high school sweethearts, I met him when I was 15. So we’ve been through the whole array of emotions and possible scenarios you could probably be in with your spouse or first love, father of your kids, you know?
Meredith [01:09:10] Wow.
Misty [01:09:11] But one thing that I did want to say is, with having an autistic child, there is a higher divorce rate, which is something I never thought we would fall in by any means. But it was interesting because when I was pregnant with my third little girl, I had a couple … one person make their remark to me saying, “I can’t believe you’re having another child with what you’re dealing with with your second child.” And it’s like … That … I mean, it actually kind of made my heart stop and it brought tears to my eyes, because I’m like, first of all, we were in the process of learning about what she had while I was pregnant. And even if I did choose to have another child with … I have a difficult child, that’s my business, you know?
Tiffany [01:09:59] Okay.
Meredith [01:10:01] Right. Yeah. No, that’s …
Misty [01:10:04] Yeah. So that was difficult. But me and my husband being back together almost five years, it’s interesting how different we communicate and how different we are with each other and how when we can sneak away and be just me and him how much fun we can have together. But even though my kids are older, it is so stressful. Teenagers are. Teenagers are difficult. Like difficult.
Meredith [01:10:28] Yeah. Well, yeah, we’re not there just yet. My oldest is going to be 13. I always say, it doesn’t get easier, it gets different. Every stage, every phase or something else that you learn about or deal with.
Misty [01:10:41] [crosstalk 01:10:41].
Meredith [01:10:41] But I really think that your story is rather inspiring because …
Misty [01:10:47] Oh, I would … Oh yeah, I wish I had so much time. I have so many things I could offer, just support for people who are going through, whether it’s hard times with kids with different needs and especially when it comes to sensory disorders or autism. I know kids are all different, but it is nice when you have somebody who can sort of relate to what you’re going through.
Meredith [01:11:09] Yeah.
Tiffany [01:11:09] Absolutely. So is there anything your husband says … Or, ex, or …
Meredith [01:11:14] Did you remarry? Or are you just together?
Misty [01:11:16] Not yet. So yeah, sometimes I’ll joke, I’ll be like, “Oh, I hate when my ex-husband calls me and wants me to do something for him.” Or [crosstalk 01:11:27]. Or I’ll call him my boyfriend. But now that we’re back together this long, I just call him my husband. We will remarry, but …
Tiffany [01:11:33] Interesting.
Misty [01:11:34] We’ve been together for almost 27 years. I mean, even though we had a six year break, I still consider us having a relationship for 27 years because we still [crosstalk 01:11:43].
Meredith [01:11:42] Well, you did, but yeah.
Misty [01:11:44] [crosstalk 01:11:44] with our kids, you know. So …
Meredith [01:11:46] Yeah, you did.
Misty [01:11:47] Yeah, it sucks because like I’m sorry, for sure.
Meredith [01:11:50] Well, thank you so much for sharing it with us.
Tiffany [01:11:51] You were-
Meredith [01:11:54] I really appreciate you calling in. I’m so glad you got through.
Misty [01:11:56] Me, too. And I just love you both so much and you inspire me daily and I just seriously get teared up when I think of how much you guys have helped me through so many times and I wish I could have had you guys in my life when I was a new mom, but it’s so [inaudible 01:12:10] new moms out there now.
Meredith [01:12:11] Well, thank you so very much for the support. We truly appreciate it.
Tiffany [01:12:14] Thank you. We truly do.
Misty [01:12:17] Love you, ladies.
Tiffany [01:12:18] Love you. Bye. Have a great day. Thank you.
Meredith [01:12:19] Have a great day.
Misty [01:12:20] Thank you. Bye-bye.
Meredith [01:12:22] That’s an interesting story.
Tiffany [01:12:24] Yeah. I’ve heard of that, though. People getting divorced and then getting remarried.
Meredith [01:12:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think what she said hits the nail on the head when you’re dealing with … Anytime I think that there … some issue comes up with the kids, you have-
Tiffany [01:12:40] Oh yeah. It adds stress.
Meredith [01:12:41] It adds the stress and then you do have a higher rate of divorce.
Tiffany [01:12:45] It makes sense.
Meredith [01:12:45] And I knew that about parents of kids with autism. But obviously nobody ever believes themselves to be a statistic.
Tiffany [01:12:55] Right.
Meredith [01:12:55] Nobody ever does. So, I feel her on that.
Tiffany [01:12:59] I could also see how like kids in general could contribute.
Meredith [01:13:01] To a divorce?
Tiffany [01:13:02] Yeah.
Meredith [01:13:04] Well, you have to … because think about how many times you’ve not been on the same page with your spouse about your kids.
Tiffany [01:13:10] Or you haven’t gotten a chance to see the in days because you’re just Momming it up all over the house and you pass out at the end of the night.
Meredith [01:13:17] Right. Yeah. Last night. Last night he walks in and I was all snuggled up under my weighted blanket, and he’s like, “So, the promise you made earlier?” And I was like, “I made that promise with more energy.” And he just looked at me and he’s like, “I’m going to remember that.” And I’m like, “Wait, what are we doing now? Now when I have the energy, you’re going to decline me?” And he goes, “Perhaps.” And I was like, “All right, good night.”
Tiffany [01:13:40] I would have just … I would have given him a starfish offer.
Meredith [01:13:43] A starfish?
Tiffany [01:13:43] You know what I mean? You don’t do anything, you just starfish and let him have his way.
Meredith [01:13:46] You just lay there? Oh Lord. Oh Lord.
Tiffany [01:13:50] It’s a win-win.
Meredith [01:13:51] It was not a win. I was under the weighted blanket. I was cozy.
Tiffany [01:13:55] I hear you.
Meredith [01:13:56] I was cozy. All right.
Tiffany [01:13:59] All right. So … love and marriage nugget of wisdom. I don’t have any …
Meredith [01:14:05] Starfish? Was that your love and …
Tiffany [01:14:06] That was it. That’s how I’m [crosstalk 01:14:07].
Meredith [01:14:09] I think starfish is our ending for everything.
Tiffany [01:14:12] That’s my favorite position.
Meredith [01:14:17] Got the visual. Join us next week when Tiffany and I welcome Kristina Kuzmic to the show for another episode of Take it …
Tiffany [01:14:23] Or Leave it. An advice-ish show hosted by two struggling moms.
Meredith [01:14:27] Who …
Tiffany [01:14:30] One, two, three … Who have no idea what we’re doing.
Meredith [01:14:32] Who have no idea what we’re doing.
Tiffany [01:14:33] I forget it every time.
Meredith [01:14:37] It says “both,” for [crosstalk 01:14:38].
Tiffany [01:14:38] I know, but I just assume we’re alternating. I’m sorry.
Meredith [01:14:41] Bye, bye, bye.
Tiffany [01:14:42] That’s so funny. Goodbye. Are we off … We’re still live. You’re just abandoning us.
Meredith [01:14:52] [inaudible 01:14:52].
Tiffany [01:14:54] Goodbye. Love you. I love you more than Meredith because I’m still here. Just kidding.