It was the year 2019. The weather was cold af and the morning was anything but calm.
I sipped my morning coffee and got my children ready to leave to their favorite play place.
As we are driving, I feel a little rumble in my belly. The rumble wasn’t the kind that lets you know you are hungry.
We arrived to the play place and the rumbles were getting a little more frequent. A little more intense. These rumbles resembled child birth. Except, a baby would least likely be the end result.
I rushed into the play place and shoved all the kids into the family bathroom with me.
I literally sat down and prayed to the gods above.
If you’ve ever had the bubble guts out with a child, y’all feel me right now.
If you haven’t, I pray you never.
So I’m sitting there in result of the extra shot of bowel cleanse from my morning Dunkin’ coffee just thinking about “America runs on Dunkin’ “ and how fucking ironic it was.
I told the kids to just play a game or something because I was clearly suffering.
I really hoped the laughter and screams of the children enjoying their pleasantly operating digestive tracts on the other side of the door drowned out the terror being released on my side.
If you all have kids just as asshole-ish as mine, they will narrate the whole production.
So, the boys tell the babies, “gather around, we have a story to tell.”
I’m sitting there rolling my eyes while on the toilet hoping my insides were still where they belonged; in my body.
Jalen began, “the tale of mommy’s butt.”
I told him to stop because, I’m not about to get roasted by a six-year-old in this condition.
He disregarded my command and continued, “One day there was a family of children trapped inside of mommy’s butt air.”
Kaison started laughing and said, “ya, and her butt air filled up the whole entire play place,
making all the children sick.”
Jalen was excited now and eagerly said, “all the children coughed and coughed because her butt air filled all their lungs and they got a case of POOmonia…”
He looked at me and smiled. Not gonna lie, I high-fived my son for that.
Product of his mother, proud mommy moment. Witty and chuckle worthy.
Lilah wanted a turn and said, “and mommy is the poo monster!!”
And of course everyone laughed.
So, as I have regained my strength and will to survive, I start to wrap the whole “death by Dunkin’” act up.
As I’m shimming into my pants, (ass towards the door), I hear a gasp and a woman say “I’m so sorry!”
I turn around real quick and the door was unlocked the whole time. I’m sure one of the children did it while running wild throughout the 4 x 4 foot bathroom.
A poor old woman had opened the door and saw my white ass glowing in the yellow shitty bathroom light. I would like to say that was the worst part, but it wasn’t.
The door was right beside the food area so like 10 other people saw my ass.
The woman also remained on the other side of the door and told her daughter that she needed spray before she went in.
I sort of wished I had a red carpet to roll out before my exit.
At this point in my life, I just add this to another day in the life of me.
The kids referred to me as the “poo monster” the rest of the day and I slowly lost the will to parent.
Kids. Gotta love them.