Anxiety is everywhere. It hits each and every one of us – some of us harder than others. And so, to the man whose wife has anxiety, this is for you.
To the man whose wife or partner has anxiety,
You might have heard that she has anxiety from sitting by her side in a doctors office, holding her hands while the tears steam down her face. You might have seen her get angry and explode because she’s overwhelmed. Wondering where this rage has come from. You might have seen her sit quietly staring into the distance with a panic in her eye.
You might have guessed, or she might have told you, but either way there are things you should know.
Anxiety isn’t a one size fits all, it isn’t consistent and it isn’t always easy to tell. You might think she’s just snapped at you, but it was anxiety that did it, you might think she’s angry, but it’s the anxiety that’s got a choke hold, you might think she’s not enjoying herself when you go out and it’s your fault, but it’s not. It’s anxiety.
You know how she can’t understand when she asks you what are you thinking, why you would respond with “nothing”… it’s because she never thinks nothing. Her thoughts replay like a freight train in her head full steam ahead, over and over.
It’s exhausting for her. It’s why she’s tired.
There isn’t a day that goes by where she doesn’t think. She thinks about everything, and usually, it is the worst case scenario.
She worries that something will go wrong. That some days if she leaves the house, something will happen. Kidnapping, deaths, falls, cars spinning out of control, that’s why she can’t just leave the house or just go out, even though you’ve suggested it with good intentions.
But it’s not so easy.
That’s why when she’s home alone or out by herself she will text you a million times, telling you her every move or telling you everything that’s going wrong, she knows you can’t change anything, she knows you feel helpless, but so does she, that’s why she needs to share it with you, otherwise her head will explode with panic.
Sometimes she wonders why you’re with her, and if you knew she had anxiety would you still be there, do you regret it? Being with her?
Do you wish you were with someone else that didn’t have this vice around their neck?
To the man whose wife (or partner) has anxiety, we know this isn’t easy. She knows it isn’t easy. She’s over-analyzing it all and wondering why you’re still here. But thank you for being there – and helping her each and every day.
I want you to know I see that this is tough on you, tough to see your loved one hurt, tough on you, the pressure for you would be immense. But don’t think for a second she doesn’t see you, don’t think for a second she doesn’t worry about you too.
She even gets anxiety about you.
She knows it’s not your fault, and she knows you want to fix her and in the way that means you help her, but you can’t fix her. She’s not broken.
But you can help her, you can loosen the vice. You can see what gets too much for her, the crowds of people or bed time, dinner time, see it and help her by holding her hand and tell her you’re with her. Do it with her, take over, tell her to sit down for a while and breathe.
If you see her struggling with appointments, reschedule them for her, encourage her to take it slowly.
Too much is overwhelming for her, even though she has good intentions.
Don’t make her feel bad for missing an appointment, a party, whatever. She wanted to go, but she couldn’t. She already feels bad. Tells her it’s okay. Take the kids out for a play when you see her struggling, encourage her to take time out for herself. If the kids are awake all night and she’s worse if she has less sleep, get up with her, take over. Tell her to go back to bed.
Sometimes the answer won’t be so obvious. Sometimes she won’t even know the answer is to what she needs, but so long as your patient with her, she will feel your love.
She or you won’t benefit if you get frustrated, it’ll just escalate and make both of you miserable. She doesn’t want her anxiety to define your relationship and when you are patient, you’re telling her you’re willing to do the same.
Anxiety is heartbreaking for her. Really it is.
She wishes she could just feel free. The free feeling of just being carefree and not a prisoner to this ugly illness. Free of the voice that follows her listing all her insecurities.
Not every day will be bad, and those days should be celebrated, but on the bad days, still celebrate her, because she needs it.
She appreciates you, she loves you.
She’s vulnerable and scared. But she chose you to share her biggest deepest scar tissue that resides in her heart, and she knew the day she met you that you were the one worthy enough to see her in all her imperfections.
She will love you with that whole heart, and you know she will because she’s already listed the pros and cons… and just as you are by her side she will be fiercely loyal to yours. Forever and ever, you just to need take her hand and tell her, “I am with you”
A wife, a woman and a mumma who has anxiety.
To the man whose wife or partner has anxiety, You might have heard that she has anxiety from sitting by her side in a…
Posted by Laura Mazza on Sunday, August 20, 2017
This post originally appears on Laura’s Facebook page.
This rings so true to me at this point in my life. Thank you.
Thank you for this. Crying as I read and feeling all these emotions. I sent it on to my husband in hopes he can understand a little more of how I feel on a daily basis.
This is so very accurate. Thank you for sharing!
I’m literally wiping tears from my eyes. I feel like my husband truly doesn’t understand how draining and tormenting having anxiety is. I feel like I wear a smile and cover the racing , fearful heart. God please help us.
Oh my God I could have written this. Having awful anxiety after almost 4 years of surgeries from an accident and the next one is big! I don’t leave my house and have anxiety before I do! I wasn’t this way before I had 2 jobs,was outgoing. I will never question anyone when they have anxiety,it is as real as the air you breathe.
I don’t want anyone to see me when I am this way. I pray after this next surgery I am somewhat like I use to be,this will be number 9-very anxious ?
This did so much for not just me, but my husband as well. He actually read it, he never does that, and today when he saw my anxiety starting to get out of control he just looked at me and said “ I love you, let’s sit down and have some coffee.” He knew, I’ve had anxiety off and on my entire life and I’m currently in a good 6month “flare up” as I call it, when I can’t move without fear taking over. He’s known I have anxiety but until he read this I’m not sure he ever knew what to do. So thank you from the bottom of my heart….today we celebrate the good day.
I loved this thank you for sharing!
I’ve always assumed my wife would always know I am there for her. I’m grateful to have been able for this post to cross into my life. I will forever look at every thing a bit differently now. I have struggled through many things in life. My Wife has never let me fall from them. She has been put through hell and back. But yet she has never left my side. Because of this post I will now always remember, the smallest things should never be taken for granted. Thank you for this. It will not be taken lightly.
You just described my wife through and through. I am outgoing, easily approachable and every challenge is met with a smile. Her total opposite. I can’t crack her code and it’s frustrating but I will be with her till my last breath.
Wow this has me all over it since i have had my first child i have my good days but its been more bad days then good but i loved the read thank you
I am grateful to have found this.
It breaks my heart to think of how anxiety can take over ones life with so much deep agonizing pain. I’ve been there in the absolute fire of it and I’ve slowly walked my way partically out but I don’t think I’ll ever be completely out and free. It’s been too long. I forget how I once was. This has been my normal for a very long time and as much as I hate it I’m accepting it. I wish nothing but anybody who suffers to get relief. I wish everyone’s mind could be clear with a heart full of happiness.
Anxiety hurts! I can relate to every single word in this post. I have been suffering from anxiety since the past 7 years. No one understands my feelings. My husband thinks I am ungrateful.