Not that long ago, I was having one of “those” days as a mom. I was feeling bitter and frustrated and somewhat resentful, and yes, angry. My husband came to me and asked if I was ok, and also mentioned that lately it seemed like I was always angry at him.
At first, I balked at the suggestion. I wasn’t angry at him. Or was I?
So I thought about it for a bit. And I told him how it makes me crazy that he gets to shower with the door shut or poop without someone banging on the door as if the house is on fire.
I told him how frustrating it is that no one ever wakes him up in the middle of the night to ask how big the universe is, or to demand snuggles or water.
I explained how maddening it is that he gets to eat hot food while it’s still hot, and how his pants from three years ago still fit.
And the more things I listed, and the more I heard myself I realized that I was, in fact, angry.
Now these are all very trivial sounding issues if you look at just one, but when you look at all of them, and you figure in the fact that they are daily events, they do build up over time and begin to become a real problem. And even though these things were not directly my husband’s fault, he was the only other adult in the house.
So I started to think of ways that we might be able to deal with some of these issues and help me to be less angry.
And these are my explanations, and suggestions (with a healthy dose of humor) for spouses of angry wives:
1) She is really freaking tired. The kind of tired that happens when someone hasn’t slept in years. Your best plan of attack here is not to make fun of her when she can’t form logical sentences, or laugh when she puts lunch meat away in the silverware drawer.
She will not be amused. Not at all. Send her for a nap. Take the children out of the house, and preferably off of the property, and let her sleep.
2) She probably sat in pee today. You can’t fix this. Just be aware.
3) She has low blood sugar. The last thing she ate was likely a bag of cookies at midnight when the last child finally fell asleep. Make her a sandwich, lock her in the bathroom where she usually needs to hide to consume food and go buy more cookies. She will need them later.
4) In keeping with the food theme, she can’t remember the last time that she was able to sit down for an entire meal or enjoy hot food while it was still actually hot.
Send her out for a meal. Breakfast, lunch or dinner, it doesn’t matter. Do not send any of the children with her. No, not even the really well-behaved one. She needs to go alone.
5) She hasn’t pooped in days. Those darling little anti-laxatives you helped to create make it nearly impossible to sit on the toilet. Lock her in the bathroom. Stand guard.
6) She hasn’t listened to anything but screaming children and Dora the Explorer for weeks. If she hears the word “map” again it will likely be her breaking point. Send her out in the family van alone. She needs to blow the speakers out with her own music while entertaining other motorists with her mad singing skills.
7) People argue with her all day. Literally from sun up to sun down and often multiple times in between. They’re completely self-centered people with no sense of logic. They argue over cups, spoons, clothing, homework, bedtimes, television, bath time and if the sky is blue. Absolutely everything.
She is bound to get a bit angry from time to time. So don’t argue. Your best plan of attack here is to just agree with everything she says for about the next eighteen years. Trust me.
8) If nothing on his list appears to be an issue, check the coffee. You may have purchased decaf by accident the last time she sent you to the store.
If this is the case, quietly, and without drawing attention to yourself, grab the proper coffee from the store and carefully replace the ridiculous and highly offensive decaffeinated abomination with real coffee.
Do not get caught and do not admit to what you have done. Following these steps may save your relationship.
Above all else, remember that she loves you.
She chose you to join her on this crazy journey called parenthood and although she may be too tired and too drained at the end of the day to tell you, she does appreciate you.
So hang in there. It’s all worth it. Oh, and a good old-fashioned hug never hurts.
This post originally appeared on Her View From Home.
This is so relevant!! Thank you.
So true, even though my kids are older, the other day someone asked for my phone number and I got it wrong! ????
My wife just asked if I could watch the baby and she can go crawl in bed. I told her to go. Now she’s apparently browsing the web sending me info on marriage. Haha. Good night honey.
This is awesome ! I love it and appreciate your words! Now if webcan get all of the husbands to follow these guidelines , we will be home free.
I love this. It was funny, relevant and mind provoking. As a matter of fact, I just responded with my own blog post. I linked back to you and Jesica R. I hope you’ll read it too.
Not every woman is a house wife, some women are married and playing dual roles. Working full time and more, worried about everyone’s well being and making sure that responsibilities are taken cate of.. someone plz address these mad women while the spouse falls asleep countless times because he’s tired, she’s anxious tring to make the wheel spin
I hear a blog in the making!
Yes!!! I agree. I do every little thing necessary for my family but he doesn’t see it bc it’s just an on the daily occurrence.
To the wives who have a living husband…… and knodded their heads the whole way through….
Each and everyone of you who have taken the time to read the above blog and are now feeling a brief sense of justification for your ‘angry’ behaviour projected at your loved one, your other half, your soulmate…There is something else you should consider!! You signed up for the role of ‘wife’, it was also you that willingly accepted the lifelong position of ‘mother’. For those wives that are still fortunate to reap the rewards of having their husband by their side, please find the time within the relentless warrior that you are to show your husband that you appreciate what he does do for you, and your offspring. For at any moment, his physical presence could cease to exist. It is at that moment that you realise that all those ‘little things’ really were just little things and no matter how frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted you have ever felt as a wife and mother, that feeling becomes ten fold when you become a widow, a mother and now a ‘make do’ father. So suck it in ladies, don’t be afraid to ask your husband for help ( even if you think he should just know what needs doing) and give your husband honest love and appreciation for who he is and all those little things he does do, for they are really the things that matter! X Kat
Kathleen, thanks for your comment. I’m sorry for your loss, whether you have experienced it yourself or have witnessed it with someone close to you.
I see things posted on social media regularly about how tough moms have it. They do have it tough, there’s no argument. But, on the rare occasion I watch television, I sometimes see advertisements that make men out to be lazy or clueless about parenting, household chores, upkeep, or shopping, for things like, say, coffee. Maybe this is an accurate assessment of some men, but I don’t think it’s fair, and it furthers a notion that I don’t think is healthy for a relationship.
Most of the fathers I know put in their fair share of time raising their children (especially if the mom has a full time job also and is required to travel or work irregular hours), dropping off and picking up the kids at daycare each day, waking up in the middle of the night for the kids or wondering if a door is left unlocked or thinking they heard a strange noise, doing regular household duties like dishes or laundry or keeping the house clean, yard maintenance, reviewing the finances and making the investments, keeping the vehicles in nice-looking, safe, dependable condition, making sure that the when things aren’t DIY the right person is hired, the job is done right and the family doesn’t get ripped-off. Even renovating the home room by room after the kids go to bed, often while mom gets much-needed rest sleeping on the couch, skimming Facebook or watching Netflix.
Some fathers have witnessed other young fathers pass away and children are left without daddy and mom is left without a husband, and he often worries, if something were to happen to him, whether he is leaving his wife and kids enough of a head-start to have the best future possible without him, and so doesn’t waste any opportunity to do more, just in case.
It’s true, nature does not force men to sacrifice their bodies to have a child, and a mother’s love and care and attention is not replaceable for little ones, but that should not be used to validate, or be used as an excuse for, any anger toward dads who are playing way more of a role than some blogs might want others to believe is typical.
Couples should choose each other to go on a journey together. If it’s made to seem as if the woman chose the man, that he’s there to join her for the ride, or that he’s there to get the right coffee, he is probably tired and needs a hug too.
I voice for men.
And theres always got to be that one person who f’s up a topic and takes it some place else….
Yes. Everyone should appreciate what they have now because it is not promised everyday. If you get upset with your husband or wife…at least you have one to be upset about. Cherish those loved ones.
Really, I get your angst, but this is just an enjoyable read – not a complaint post. Write your own blogpost, rather thsn highjack this one with melodrama.
I willingly took on being my sons mother, sure. And I willingly took on being my husband’s wife, Ok. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be angry with them sometimes. Just like the fact that I exist in their orbit doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to be angry with me. And my husband willingly married me, but I’m CERTAIN I annoy him sometimes. And that’s totally Ok. The magic is in the recovery. You don’t need to negate someone else’s life experiences, just to validate your own.
You are someone we should all know. Thank you
Such an honest and wonderful thing to say
Thank you ??
This is probably true of a mom with a bunch if kids close together. I’m thankful my husband and I agree to having space between our kids like 3-4 or 5 years between makes life very doable and fun to be enjoying each child. Right now my youngest two are 3 years apart and I am babysitting my sisters child four to five days a week so he feels kinda like my own in many ways and there are days I’m so tired that this is kinda how I feel and I do not enjoy that feeling and am so thankful our kids are not that close in age! I do not function well under chaos and I’m glad I do not have to wake up dreading my day, cause those days that I feel like that, God always gives grace and strength if I ask. Yes I love to go shopping sometimes myself but I would much rather go on a date with my sweetheart man! ?
That was awesome!!!!!!!
Wow. I barely had any idea of what is going on in my wife’s head. I will try very hard to give her this kind of space, now. We have 3 little ones and she is an awesome mom to them.
What about the husband, who watches the kids and manages schoolwork or whatever else? Are we not allowed to be angry? It certainly can go deeper, but the husband too does a great deal to support the family and some have the same resistance as mentioned above.
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This is spot on for Mom’s. We are with the kids 24/7 especially if the children are very close in age. Men don’t stop to think about what a mother is going through. I think that it is very important to be honest and straightforward with your spouse, it isn’t fair to you to have to do everything on your own. Mothers need relaxation time just like husband do if not more. We can do it all but we shouldn’t have to.
Divorced dad here. My kids are 24 and 26, so I am far removed from sitting in pee. I have a couple of thoughts. For the record, I did all of the 2 AM feedings for both children. Moms, raising kids is not a contest of how tired you can get yourself. If you leave your child alone he or she will not die. Let your child figure some things out alone. You are not required to entertain your child 24/7. If you spend all of your time focused on your children, eventually one of you will look up and “say why did I marry this person?” If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of your spouse, and then you can’t be a good parent. I know people think this is heresy. In my experience it is true. It is why I am divorced.
I get it and sometimes i makes the same mistakes over and over. Of course, over and over.. im not sure what to do if she has stated that she is done with everything! She is checking or already checked out. If i breathe i know ive already messed up the day. Im drained.. sorry real talk.
This advice to husbands is great, but let me add, this advice is only good to take if you, Mom, will allow your husband/ partner to do these things for you. You have to give up some control and let others help you in their way. It won’t be your way, but it will be a way to give you some much needed rest. Do your family a favor and allow the other parent to parent too.
-from Mom of two and wife of one great man ( almost 30 years).
Most of these issues are solved by realizing before you have kids that you don’t want kids. Why would anyone want to suffer the way you’ve explained here?
This does not address anything about the wife who was introspective at a young age and realized that little monsters are not her thing.
In other words…if your woman is angry send her in some other man’s arms.
I know this is true of most mothers and maybe we should say most caregivers. Especially when it’s mostly one sided, whether for a day, or just most of the time. I didn’t have children, but now I am the primary caregiver for my 90 year old Mother. But this has helped me understand why I get angry for no apparent reason. It’s hard to see my husband being able to get out of the house without any cares or concerns. I think I’ll let him read this so maybe he’ll understand why a little bit too.
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[…] my anxiety is really bad, I definitely have to straighten things more often and find that I get angry more easily at little things like a paper my kids drop on the floor, or a towel not hung up where […]
Every article I’ve read on an angry wife implies that it’s not the woman’s fault. Out of curiosity I Google’d “Angry Husband” and guess what? Yup you guessed it… when the husband is angry the general advice is LEAVE HIM.
Sick of these double standards.
I sat here reading this remembering how I have felt all of these emotions many times in the past. But about a year ago I had a stroke that took me from a woman that felt like she ruled the world to feeling like nothing in a instance. Luckily my husband who worked full time and was already the sole provider for our family of five picked up right where I left off. He showed me and continues to show me everyday that our vows had literal meaning! In sickness and health, good times and bad! I couldn’t ask for a more amazing partner in life. I’m proud to be able show our children what it means to uphold your promises and that when you choose a partner make sure you are partners. This last year has shown us how strong we are together. I do also have to admit that it was a bit of a tough pill to swallow to see how easily my shoes were filled. I’m still spending time to relearn what my new special roles are.
This is ludicrous. I’m sure these things happen, but it’s certainly not universal. My kids come to me for snuggles and drinks and explanations about the universe. I make dinner. I get up 8 times during said dinner. I can’t poop without my kids screaming for me across the house the minute I hit the seat. I get off work and drive kids all over to the activities they sign up for. I do the dishes, I pick up the house, I work in the yard, I take out the trash, I put kids to bed, I work full time and pay all of the bills. Tell me more about how it’s MY fault my wife is angry because she stayed up too late or had to get up and go to work like every other functioning adult. If she’s angry that up to her to figure out because I’m doing my part with a smile on my face. But I’m sure I’m a bad guy and she should probably leave me right?
These anti men blogs are just the worst.
aka, “8 reasons I’m justified in yelling at my husband”
Advice to prospective parents: Parenting is a huge, gross, difficult job even for two people. Sometimes it really sucks. Do your part without having to be asked-every single day. Don’t expect assignments – you are not the intern. Anticipate the work and be prepared to do it – every day. Talk about the division of labor out loud. Agree to it out loud – every day. It may need to be different than how your parents did.
Doing your part is not a special one time event or a favor that will get you a parade. Don’t expect sex in return for doing your part, as if your partner owes you payment for acting like a responsible adult partner.
Don’t be “the extra child”. Don’t create more work by being oblivious to your part in making messes or not getting children, the house, and things ready. Parenting is not “baby sitting”. It’s now your job together.
Notice most of the people here commenting on how great this article is are women. This is bullshit. If you have an anger problem solve it instead of ruining everyone’s life around you. It’s not exclusive to one gender. I’m tired of this entitlement to shit on a person daily and the victim has to constantly try. This is how you create an enabler. This article is just reasons to continue being an asshole.
I don’t understand half these comments on this article if it doesn’t apply to you as a MAN/and or woman then don’t take offense this is addressed to the man/ and or woman who takes no part in the responsibilities in taking care of a household and child!! Some with a career too!! If the shoe doesn’t fit DON’T WEAR IT!!… is difficult to accept a lot of these comments! Everyone has a different type mate….. IF you have the husband who all he does is eat and shi** when he comes home, gambles on the weekend and goes and does WHAT the fu** he wants and then expects you to lay on your back on command, it’s difficult to accept oh “just be grateful you’re not ALONE!!” is some BS!! Start your own fu****g blog on what a saint your mate was OBVIOUSLY this blog doesn’t pertain to you so FU** off!!