I am smack in the middle of my favorite season (summer) and I’m feeling very torn about so many things. I love summer but it often comes with a long to-do list of sunscreen, pool monitoring, and constant entertainment.
It is also a time of the year in which my friends are often busy and I’m left feeling alone quite frequently, because I am just that, alone. My husband’s work schedule has been a mess, and I’m left praying for rainy days where I feel less guilty about not wanting to do anything.
I count down the days until Christmas, yet pray that Labor Day stay away. Wanting summer to last forever and end this minute is my norm. What I really want is to stop worrying about things that I have no control over.
Since having kids I find that I am obsessively watching the seasons as they turn. I’m forever looking forward to the next weekend, party, birthday, holiday, and at the very same time I’m praying this day and moment stay as is.
How can I be so neurotic about something I know I cannot change?
And not only that, I’m neurotic about wanting both ends of the spectrum, for time to stand still and get a move on. I am left wondering if these feelings are normal, are they just part of parenting, is this something I can manage?
I watch the leaves on the trees change daily. I went to the park in May and was sad to see not a bud formed yet. I was thrilled to watch them grow bright and green in June, but still longed for May again so that I could anticipate its happening. Now they have small bite marks from inchworms and are beginning to look a little tired.
The leaves are so much like my July self, still basking in the sunlight, but starting to grow weary from the daily tasks of being the one and only entertainer. Are they looking forward to their early October splendor, or dreading it, or both… like me.
September will come as it always does. With it, cooler evenings, shorter days, apple cider, and Kindergarten. A month of change leading to a new normal, and the end of a season I have so loved.
My baby boy will be turned over to the school system for most of the week. Teachers and other kids will begin to have a heavy influence on who he becomes. I will wish I had relished in his presence just a little more. I will miss him, and enjoy my freedom. I will be torn.
Because there is no controlling the calendar, I have decided to take steps to live in the present.
I try and pause all of my planning and anticipation for the future, and stop obsessing over years gone by. I take it all in, as it is now – counting the freckles on a five-year-old face, making time for a tickle fight or two, each joyful moment is a step in the right direction.
I am working hard on focusing on the gifts of today by slowing down and letting my children be right where they are. Time may continue to be a struggle for me, but as long as I’m allowing today to shine, I will at least know that I’m making the most of what I have been given.
Hi, I’m Danielle Santapaola. I’m a mom of two crazies, community theatre actress and a former elementary school teacher. Born, raised and raising on the North Shore of Massachusetts, I’m a big fan of honesty, coffee, and laughter. In fact, those three are sometimes the only things getting me through the day.