Moms are used to multi-tasking, and do a really amazing job of keeping all of the household plates spinning. We’re typically the “default parent” in our homes, keeping track of the countless details -both big and small- that family life entails.
It’s not an easy job, to say the least. While we’re happy to help those we love, it can be utterly exhausting to feel like you’re in charge of every last detail for your entire family.
To be fair, many husbands pull their weight in terms of pitching in with the household tasks and the kids. But unfortunately, there are also many that DON’T…. unless they’re asked by their wives first.
And by the time they are asked, it’s often when their wives are already past the point of no return.
An exhausted mom penned an open letter on Facebook directed at dads everywhere, urging them to be more proactive in helping their wives out instead of waiting to be asked.
Mom Jacalyn Wetzel, creator of the blog Stop Yelling Please shared a powerfully honest Facebook post that nails exactly how many mothers feel at the end of the day: FRAZZLED.
Burnt to a sizzling crisp, to be precise:
She is tired. She is overwhelmed. She’s running this ship alone while you wait to be told what to do.
The end of the day means that Mama has been juggling all.the.things, all day long. She’s tired. She’s overwhelmed. The kid’s loud voices seem even louder, somehow. Her mental circuits are fried, she’s over it, and that’s when the rage-cleaning begins.
Because after all, someone has to do it. And she feels like the someone is always HER.
Jacalyn’s advice to dads:
Don’t wait. Don’t wait until she tells you what to do.
She needs you now.
(Emphasis on the “NOW”, guy.)
The reality is, most of us moms don’t want to be in control of everything; we do it because those things need to get done. Period.
Many mothers gradually find themselves in that position as their husbands become passive bystanders.
She’s running this ship alone while you wait to be told what to do.
While many dads are absolutely willing to help -those that aren’t are another story entirely!-, it’s the waiting to be asked that makes it so difficult to busy, tired moms.
Simply put, we don’t want to have to ask you for help constantly; we want you to be connected enough to know what needs to be done. As Jessica puts it:
She is hoping one day you don’t await her instructions, and you just do the thing that needs to be done.
Some dads might get defensive about Jacalyn’s request for dads to start pitching in before needing to be asked. They could react with the classic retort: “What does she expect; I’m not a mind reader!”
No, there’s no mind-reading magic required here, dads. The very things we need help on are the same damn tasks that happen… EVERY SINGLE DAY. It’s nothing new.
When it comes to raising kids & running a household, many of the items on the “To-Do” list are daily occurrences:
Kids need to eat. Kids need to be bathed. Kids make a mess. Kids are loud. Kids get into mischief.
Kids need help getting dressed. Kids have assignments, games, practices, and so much more. Kids want your attention too.
C’mon, dude! Many of the things that your wife handles in terms of your children are basic human needs that you are well acquainted with. Your wife shouldn’t have to “remind” you each night by repeatedly asking you for help with them.
Pitching in before being asked not only goes a long way in helping your household run more smoothly- it also has a significantly positive impact on your relationship, too.
I know that as a busy, tired mother, one of the best ways my husband can show me how much he loves me is by handling some of the kid-related tasks…. so that I don’t have to.
We created a family together. And most wives have a deep yearning to feel like we’re raising that family together as well. We don’t want to feel like our husbands are passive bystanders that need constant prompting to help.
Wives need husbands to remember: They’re OUR kids, not MY kids. We’re in this together.
Jacalyn’s open letter urges men to be more proactive; by the time many dads step in to help (if at all), it’s already too late.
Most women try to handle as much as they can, physically & mentally, before finally asking for help. And by that time:
she’s already submerged in the rough sea of motherhood, gasping for air and hoping for a life ring to be tossed her way.
As Jacalyn puts it, by that time, it’s bad. Our temper is flaring, our patience is non-existent, and we are overwhelmed beyond explanation.
That’s why her advice to men everywhere is so vital: DON’T WAIT.
Don’t be a passive bystander in your own home, guys. Step in before things get crazy. Don’t assume that just because your wife hasn’t specifically asked you for help that she doesn’t need it.
The reality is, she shouldn’t be doing it all in the first place. You should be working alongside her, stepping in with the kid-related tasks simply because they are your kids, too.
One adult shouldn’t have to do the work of two parents. Resentment is nearly inevitable when one partner feels they are carrying too much of what should be a shared load.
This advice DOES go both ways, however. Plenty of men out there take a very pro-active role with their families & their households, & that’s an admirable thing. And there are some women that take this backseat role in their families, too.
If you’re a woman whose husband is functioning as the default parent, be quicker to step in and help.
Jaclyn Wetzel’s words of wisdom shared in this Facebook post are wise in their simplicity. Too many moms are perpetually burnt-out & exasperated on a daily basis, & the remedy is really quite simple.
As Jacalyn put it,
Do the thing.
Dear Dads,Don’t wait. Don’t wait until she tells you what to do. Don’t wait until the dishes are piled up. Don’t wait…
Posted by Stop Yelling Please on Sunday, September 15, 2019
My wife loves to post this stuff I feel because she thinks me a lousy husband and Hope’s I see it. I would like to ask a question. To put in perspective my wife works extremely hard. She has two part time jobs, is a Girl Scout leader, and a Boy Scout leader. She’s a superhero. I work full time and have been doing so at night to work around her busy schedule. Often times she thinks I too am a superhero and require no sleep. I come home “frazzled” because unlike normal people, I haven’t slept. She is trying to get the kids together. I hear her yelling at our son and do not want to enter the room because it always goes from him to me. I want to help but instead learn my worthlessness. I start fighting our son to get ready even though I’m having trouble forming a coherent thought and then find out that I’m the one being nasty and I don’t treat anyone right, even though she just did the same! We jab at each other and then get the kids to school. I come home and try to sleep but hear her bouts of asthma when she thinks I’m being lazy. I get my two hours in and start housework and my honey dew list. Instead of her noticing what I have done I will probably get yelled at for something minuscule. Is this all ok because I step back to much I guess.
Dear Randy, Having young children is just hard. It takes everything we have, and then more.
However, there are healthy ways to do it … and unhealthy ways to do it.
Yelling and blaming the child or the partner is not the healthy way. There are other problems at play here.
Passive-agressiveness, gaslighting, and other abuse has no place in a relationship – whether it is intitiated by the male or the female.
A conversation needs to take place that aligns the two of you (if this is possible) on your goals and desired outcomes as parents. This should commitments about modeling self-regulation and how to have consructive crucial conversations. If you all don’t know how to do that, then parenting is offering an excellent opportunity to develop these useful skills. The truth is, that children help US to grow up (even as we are helping them). It is a symbiotic relationship. Our intimate relationships give us the motivation to make needed changes (for their sake, as much as our own).
I wish you and your family all the best.
Have you sat down with your wife and discussed this with her? When you are running around trying to balance jobs you don’t have time to notice what has been done. Put into perspective of woman, we have a different outlook when going into a room we can see a,b,c and d need to be done but you may go into a room and only see A needing to be done.
Us women find it hard time to vent our emotions (because we don’t have the five mins needed to scream and shout) so if we have had a bad day EVERYTHING goes wrong (bit dramatic but the truth). She won’t know until you tell her that her bickering and nit picking is getting under your skin.
I sent this post to my husband with a little disclaimer telling him that this wasn’t a slight against him, that this was just how I felt some times and my goodness did it incite a fight. I hope those husbands that do read it feel that little lightbulb go off in their heads and they cherish and help their wives more.
This is some of the biggest passive aggressive bull shit I’ve ever read. A bunch of wives are reposting this and I bet most of them really should take a look at them selves. A lot of men might be working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night. On their 1 day off they do house work in and outside. Only when you women work as much, as hard and bring home as much do you have the right to complain. Most of the time, the women complaining wouldn’t have the nice life they have if it wasn’t for their husbands. And after all that they still find time to binge watch series after series of shows. Just because you do laundry and clean once a week doesn’t mean us men do any less then you. A warning to women this is the stupid kind of shit that leads to divorce, take a good look at what you actually have and be happy.
How about complaining when I make the same amount as my husband working my full time nursing job and am also responsible for all the bills, all the groceries, all the cooking, all the dishes, all the laundry, all the homework, all the doctors appointments, all the cleaning, all the vet appointments, all the school functions….
I love my husband but it is so true that by the time he gets around to asking if I need help im PISSED and TIRED from my 40 hour work week too. he may not be a mind reader but he’s also not stupid. Dirty dishes mean DO THE DISHES. So him not doing them feels lazy and disrespectful.
Admittedly he does drive the kid TO school and I have told him after school activity mondays are his since everything else seems to be mine.
Sometimes moms just get tired of being the under appreciated leader of the household.
Dennis you missed the whole point of the article and sadly men like you are the ones their referring too. You feel as if your above her for the amount of money you earning and therefore she should bow Down to you. Being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest job out there. Her job never ends but yours does. You have one job while she has many. I know men like you it wouldn’t make a difference if she got herself a job. She still will have all those responsibilities and more. People like you always find an excuse to fall short but in reality it’s because your not fit to be her husband.
He is by far beyond ignorant. I am a full time mom and full time employee I support the house financially and fo literally everything a d to say that I should be happy with the abuse at home is pretty sick. I can assure you that I will not be the cause if my divorce but I can clearly say that this guy here, has to be divorce probably not for being lazy but for being ignorant
You know what’s funny. When women work and come home they are expected to do all the wifely/motherly chores BESIDES their work. Men have a hard time seeing that. YES you are providers and most women appreciate that but there is also the unsaid work that needs to be done after your paid job is over. Women ALWAYS do the unpaid work and the paid work. Most men think that just because they work their day is over. Think about that!!
What leads to divorce is exactly what you are saying. There are actually some of us that do it all while our men just sit at home, literally, and to think this article leads to divorce is so wrong on so many levels. Some of us have been pushed to the brings with absolutely no help and thats not fair. I think your comment is absolutely rude and ridiculous and ignorant. How can one be happy with what we got when some of us actually are nothing more than slaves. And I work ft and raise a kid ft and her dad stays home does nothing yet im sick and exausted and dont even fight with him over it. That leads to divorce. Where is your mind do you feel that your comment makes any sense. You must be a man whom thinks women should slave for you. Shame on you for your comment. You, solely you, will be the cause of your divorce
A Mom NEVER gets a day off! Ever!
Like wives, husbands need certain things to work properly too. The #1 thing is … no not that… it is respect as head of household. If the husband is not allowed to lead the family he’s a failed man. Talk about resentment. Imagine a mother not being allowed to be a mother. I see more “puppet husbands” than I do leaders. Treat a man like a boy and he will eventually start acting like one. This is not an excuse, just the other side of the story.
Actually, I totally see this. We make decisions “together” and I’m consulted on everything before things are done but for the most part, our family is very much set up to make my husband the leader. He brings most of the ideas for our family/life situation and he seems fulfilled. He does more than enough at home and still shows he’s appreciative of everything I do being a stay at home mom. Maybe you’re on to something here..
My husbands response is always “you don’t come to my work and help me with my job”
My husband says this to me, I’m actually starting in a job at his workplace in a few weeks, but currently I work three days a week and run a business from home. Every spare moment is spent organising or working.
Then he gets suspended, on full pay, pending an investigation. So I say it sucks, but he needs to pick up the housework and childcare side of things while he is off work. He has done the bare minimum for a month. I am exhausted. And after a full day of work, then kids and cleaning then more work he says to me why dont I want sex?
I’m still breastfeeding, the baby will be in bed with me by 11pm because I do ALL the nighttime settling. Then my husband will not wake up until I wake him up. But definitely hours after myself because if its ‘too early’ he will simply go back to sleep on the sofa.
So I bought this up with him, he has stormed out, told me I’m not being supportive, and I only work three days a week and do ‘a bit of sewing’ what’s my problem?
So in conclusion, who cares that you dont go to work with him? Because if the roles were reversed I expect you would still not be doing good enough. Because sometimes people just suck even when you love them.
This is something I really wanted to send to my husband I want him to understand where I sale Home moms and moms in general are coming from there are even dads that put in this much effort in the mall and some moms that just don’t put in the effort at all but I know my husband all too well and it will ignite a height and I don’t want to fight with him over something that I feel and certainly not over an article
I read this and think, I used to do all of this stuff and it didn’t earn me any more respect or affection so I withdrew. Men WILL NOT invest their time & effort on things that don’t produce any returns. Ladies, if you do get help, be sure to appreciate it.
Oh wow I have this same problem in my house but not with my husband my fiancé. Now he has 6 kids before him and I had our daughter but he tells me that with his other kids mother if they needed it something from him they asked me but. But even on his two days off he still doesn’t do anything he throws it up in my about what his other kids mom did I’m not them and it common sense if u noticed that there are things out of place and u know that it wasn’t there before just do it. Me I take my daughter to school and pick her up from school and still went to work and had to come home after working and being on my feet for 8 hours and I do security and still come home and got clean up her mess, washing dirty dishes, if she up gotta get her ready for bed and he in the room sleeping but then when I get myself ready for after cleaning for an hour he gets mad when I turned a lamp on saying the light is bothering him so I turn it off and get dress in the dark but when he get up for work and turns on the light and then wants to wake me up cause he wants to talk and tell me how his day at work went and when I say to him what time I finally went to sleep because I had to clean he would say he wasn’t done talking so when I rolled over and go back to sleep on him he catch an instant attitude and tells me I’m real petty and that’s why he is the way he is and why he can’t talk to me cause my attitude sucks and I make him feel like he less than a man and I treat him like crap and make him feel that way if I don’t give him the attention he wants so when I say to him what about me he says I keep throwing up in his face about I always make it about me and want brownie points or we’ll if u need me to do something ask I’m not no mind reader