Having kids is awesome. There is nothing that compares to the immeasurable love, joy, and happiness that they bring into your life. But they also, admittedly, come with a lot of other, less desirable ass-ets. Like poop.
And poopy bums. That YOU have to wipe. And sometimes, in certain instances, the act of a child pooping can reach levels of epic proportions that you, in your previous naive childless life, never deemed possible.
But as parents we quickly become initiated into the world of dirty diapers and nasty blow-outs and we adapt and we deal with it. Which is exactly what one mom did when the incident that shall now forever be named the ‘Park Poopocalypse of 2019’ occurred.
In a Facebook post that has exploded (haha) over the past few hours with 57,000 shares, Brittany Nichole Berry shares her hilariously disgusting fecal fiasco.
She begins her viral Facebook post with the words:
I’ve debated on sharing this, just because it’s so embarrassing and I failed as a mother on so many different levels. But….. I think it needs to be said, if only to serve as birth control for the younger generation. Fair warning…. TMI AND POOP!
And you know, just by the reference to birth control alone, that this is going to be SO good.
The tale begins, as these so often do, simply enough. Just a routine school pick-up, an energizing run along a flood wall, and a trip to the park.
While at the park, Brittany takes a moment or two to catch her breath, as she watches her two children play. She notices that her daughter, Sadie, appears to have a leaky diaper and so proceeds to change her. At which time, she realizes, it’s not just pee. It’s poop. And it’s everywhere. Up her back and down her legs. But Brittany’s got this. Because she’s a mom.
She’s been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Except she hasn’t had to do it with only 4 WIPES.
I get a diaper and wipes, the wipes feel light…I start cleaning her up and there’s only FOUR wipes. THIS isn’t a four wipe kind of poop it’s pressure washer or open fire hydrant kind of poop. So I start looking for more wipes in the van. At this point, Sadie’s just standing there naked in an empty (thank God) the parking lot, with poop up her back in her hair, down her legs to her knees, even on her shoes, because taking her clothes off did not go as smoothly as one would hope.
It never does. Brittany frantically searches her van for more wipes. At which point you may be clinging hopefully to the thought, “It’s going to be okay! She’ll find more wipes.” After all, she has kids. She has a van. HA! Nope.
Because Brittany has just cleaned out the van. Yesterday. And to top it all off? In her panic to find the extra wipes that are now sitting at home on her porch? She has turned her back on Sadie. (NEVER TURN YOUR BACK).
And so the shitshow does not end here, my friends. It gets better. Well, worse really. So.Much.Worse.
That sweet little girl, all covered in poo? Decides now would be a great time to have just one more trip down the slide. Brittany says:
Then I hear it…. that painful SQQQUUUEEEAAAKKKKK of skin getting stuck to a plastic slide on the way down. I look up and yes, of course, it’s Sadie. She’s going down the slide, butt naked, COVERED in poop, leaving a long skid mark of poop allllllll the way down on her way.
Brittany does what we would all do in this moment. She gives up.
She chases down her other daughter, Layla, wraps Sadie in a blanket, buckles them into the van, and leaves.
But before you start grabbing your pitch forks and gathering your stakes, just wait.
Brittany knows she can’t just leave shit skids all over the slide. First of all, it’s gross. Second of all, she has another family member at home sick with a stomach virus.
There’s no way she is leaving her child’s possibly contagious “slug trail” on that playground equipment. She rushes home, grabs some Clorox wipes, and returns to the park to clean the slide. Which, it turns out, is easier said than done.
I got the bottom and the main top easily, but the middle of the slide I could not reach. I tried to climb up it, but was unsuccessful. Keep in mind I’m REALLY out of shape and just ran a mile and a half. It’s 90 °, I’m WEAK, uncoordinated. To say I was struggling would BE an understatement.
But Brittany refuses to give up. Because this woman is a rock star.
Eventually, I get the brilliant idea to go down the slide and wipe as I go. Instead of risking a head injury I decide to go down feet first, on my stomach, holding on to the side to slow myself down with one hand and wiping with the other. This was not easy. I did not look elegant or attractive, I’m sure. I’m 254lbs of sweaty fat flopping around this children’s slide like a fish out of water.
And it’s right about now that we are all wishing that there was video footage.
And while we may have to be content with picturing the scene of Brittany sliding down ON HER STOMACH, while attempting to wipe up feces, one family does not. Because there were witnesses.
Apparently, somewhere during the whole doody cleanse, a car pulled up. And, according to Brittany, they were less than impressed to see a grown woman (sans kids) doing weird acrobatics on a children’s slide. The family? Never even gets out of the car.
And we have reached the part of our tale where we think, “there can’t possibly be anything else that happens to this poor woman. I mean, really, HAS SHE NOT BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?” But the Universe just laughs and laughs. Brittany, dying of embarrassment, rushes to get into her van and get the hell outta dodge.
I rush to throw away my wipes and get in the van. I look down and realize there’s poop all over my shirt. Of course, I went down feet first. My clothes got the bulk of the poop.
I am NOT getting that on my seat belt.
I am not getting a ticket or dying from not wearing a seat belt, no matter how short the drive.
So she does the only thing she can do. She takes off her shirt and drives home in her bra, lamenting the lasting damage she has inflicted on the poor family she has just left behind.
That family is scarred for life I’m sure…
But all’s well that ends well. Brittany survives, as does her daughter. And like all good tales, there is a moral to this story.
We’re all home now; we’re alive, showered, traumatized, but okay. moral of the story? Always bring extra wipes, extra clothes, extra blankets, extra everything! ? Don’t clean out your car, ever. And if you aren’t mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared to roll around in another person’s feces… use a condom. You’re welcome!
On behalf of parents everywhere (and those who have decided to hold off parenthood indefinitely), I would just like to thank Brittany. For giving us all a moment to laugh hysterically along with her, while also silently whispering through our tears, “Thank God it didn’t happen to me.”