If there ever was an experience that most clearly illustrates the difference between men and women, it’s illness. Now granted, there are exceptions to every rule; some men can weather a cold with strength & dignity. But the vast majority crumble at the first hint of the MAN FLU or a sore throat, becoming virtually incapable of functioning- at all.
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Guys deny that the “man-cold” exists. But most women know it’s both real and painful.
That’s why Blogger Sydney W’s post, “ONCE UPON A MAN FLU“, is quickly going viral. She details her husband’s brush with what he seems sure is certain death (aka, stomach flu). And it’s both relatable and hilarious.
The story begins with Sydney herself – 9 weeks pregnant with her SECOND CHILD – battling a nasty bout of stomach flu. Despite the frequent episodes of vomit, she still tackles her daily responsibilities like a boss, because that’s what we moms do.
Until… her husband announces he feels sick. So while Sydney senses where this situation is heading, she tries to help. She suggests her husband head toward the bathroom, since, having been sick herself, the bathroom seems like a sensible choice for what’s to about to ensue.
(You know where this is going. Well, maybe not exactly where it went.)
*Cue the man-barf… right in the kitchen sink*
It’s not just inconvenient; it’s also offensive in it’s vigor. Sydney describes his process:
He’s obnoxiously loud when he’s barfing to make sure I know this is the real deal. The neighbors know it’s the real deal. The next town over knows too.
As her husband ralphs all over the dirty dishes, Sydney knows what’s coming down the pike. Or what’s coming UP the pike, as in: more husband vomit. But thankfully, he avoids the kitchen sink this time.
Yup. This time, her husband fortunately makes it to the bathroom. But unfortunately, he opts to vomit into the BATHTUB instead of the toilet like a rational human adult.
After desecrating their bathroom, her husband lies on the floor.
Then the moaning begins (Fact: 99% of men express their illness-related misery via moans. It’s science).
He moans for help from Sydney because -while his eyes are closed, mind you- he cannot see.
Sydney’s mental processing of this sudden affliction?
Brain: Oh Jesus so now he can’t see? Is this a joke. He has a flu symptom that doesn’t even exist. Actually I can’t. I should probably leave. Where is this dude’s mom.
This is the point where some tough love is needed, & Sydney tries. She basically tells him to get his shit together & to at least get off the floor.
Does he get it? Is her tone enough to motivate him to suck it up?
My voice was really serious at this point. He knew he poked the bear way too hard, or so I thought. He took the alternative route and decided to become unresponsive. Yes. Literally. He played dead like a possum.
Because it’s not just the flu, people. It’s the end. He knows it. Because his next words to Sydney are…
“Syd..Call 911. Syd. I’m dying.. call 911. Call 9….1…..1……”
And there it is. The absolute certainty that this “thing” he’s suffering from is not only 10,000 worse than anything his wife is experiencing (it’s not), but is definitely fatal (it’s not).
Sydney’s been a trooper. While navigating her own vomit episodes -as well as everything else that came up that day- she’s still growing a baby inside of her while managing the man-baby currently writhing in his own adult puke on the bathroom floor.
And here’s where she becomes my hero.
SHE CALLS HIS BLUFF, Y’ALL.
She dials 911. And I’d be lying if I didn’t let out an audible cackle of giddiness when I read that.
Me: Ugh. Hi. How are you? Ughhhh. It’s my husband. He’s.. I don’t know he’s umm. He’s throwing up.
Dispatch: ……Ok? Are there any other symptoms?
Me: He can’t see. Or talk. Or move. He’s basically unresponsive.
Dispatch: Any chest pain of shortness of breath ma’am?
Me: (whispering into the phone) Oh God no.. he has *the flu*
But it gets better. So. much. better.
Because as Sydney’s explaining it, her husband announces to her that he has SHIT HIS PANTS. But now that the paramedics are on their way, a true miracle occurs.
All of a sudden he could talk again. He could walk again. He could even see again like a Christmas miracle.
But he’s taken to the hospital via ambulance. For the flu. The same flu his pregnant wife has at the same damn time.
But here’s where the truth of the MAN-FLU phenomenon is truly revealed. His female nurse sees what the real deal is. And she’s not having it.
We made eye contact and nodded. Solidarity. She’s all SIR. GET IT TOGETHER. YOU NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? And I’m all THANK YOU JESUS SING IT SISTER. Whoop. His. Ass.
The end result? Some IV fluid for BOTH of them, and they were quickly discharged. He survived, people. It didn’t kill him, after all.
(And I’m willing to bet that Sydney probably ended up cleaning the craptastic bathroom mess when they got home… because MEN.)
So all was eventually well, but Sydney decided to share her story as a cautionary tale:
If you think your hubs is the worst when they get sick, come and read this again for a reminder. Beware… the man cold and flu season is near. This could be you.
With over 70K shares, it’s clear that women get it… and many have likely lived it!
See Sydney’s original post on Strollin With My Homies