I’m a member of the Elf on the Shelf Haters Club. There will never be a tight-wearing, creepy bastard taking up residence on our shelves. You will not find one hidden in a dead philodendron or dropping strawberry poops into our commode. (Although I did find a mysterious half-eaten fruit in the shower the other day. I suspect it was the laundry fairy, not an uninvited dwarf.) But I’m not a total Scrooge as you might suspect. I’ve embraced a shitzilion holiday traditions (right down to Gummy Bear infused fruitcake), but Elf on the Shelf … no. He’ll never be welcomed through our doors.
You might ask yourself, “Crystal…what kind of mother doesn’t have an Elf on the Shelf?”
This kind, baby. The kind that denounces ANYTHING that adds another unnecessary item to her to-do list. The kind that would rather feed a two-headed cat named Four Eyes than play hide-and-seek with a stuffed gremlin. The only inanimate object that I will ever be at the mercy of is a Chris Hemsworth action figure. Plus, my kids don’t give a flying Whoville who’s watching. If Dora on auto-repeat doesn’t keep them in line, do you really think an Elf is up for the job? Probably not.
There are better, less stalkerish things you can stick on your shelf during the holidays. Here are eight to consider:
A Pink Monkey
A Collection of Cats
(Courtesy of Rocket News 24)
For optimal feline organization, accessorize today’s modern-day cat using platform shelves. You might think this screams HIGH MAINTENANCE, but have you ever tried organizing a posse of cats using the Dewey Decimal System? That shit is impossible.
A Stack of Books
Throat punching, stolen spandex, and couples putting up their dukes and getting down to it? It doesn’t get much better than this. Forget Chucky in a leotard. Read books. Expand your mind.
A Sleeping Kid
Why do you need an elf? A sleeping kid will do just fine. The drool wash? Totally free!
Okay, so it’s not technically a shelf. But what a great way to store loo paper! You could stick flower stems in the rolls for a really nice accent affect.
Ralph on a Shelf? Nah! It’s more like Themselves are the Shelves. I wonder if Moby Dick is in the lineup. Don’t worry. Standup is NOT in my future plans.
(Courtesy of A Paris Flea Market)
Continuing the Not Exactly on a Shelf, but THE Shelf trend, is what I like to call Lush-ious Shelving. People, this is recycling at its finest!
If you insist on going all Nightmare on Elm Street, just go all in. Skip the creepy Elf and go right for the quintessential sinister cutie, the voodoo doll. Or six.