I have two kids. They are challenging. I don’t prefer labels but they have various needs. They are neurodiverse. They have 11 appointments a week.
Their disabilities are invisible. They may get better, they may not. They look like everyone else’s kids.
People assume they are brats. Just like every kid, some days they are.
This is in addition to their disabilities, not in spite of or inclusive of. I am crippled by anxiety, frustration and disappointment. It rarely relents.
I have tried everything I can to make it better. But I can’t.
The internet shows me smiling moms that “wouldn’t change a thing” but I would give a limb to change everything that makes things so damn hard for my kids.
There is no end in sight for these feelings.
We don’t get invited to many playdates.
On the rare occasion that we do, I usually find a reason to cancel because I know it will go badly.
And then I lay up at night unable to sleep because I know they need more socialization but I don’t want to be ostracized by the neighbors if my child displays a certain behavior.
We went to social skills class for years, finally one of them displayed some appropriate social behavior and asked a kid to play. They declined. This happened over and over again. My heart shattered every time.
They were happier without social skills I forced upon them.
I desperately need a break but I don’t have any support.
If I am able to get out for a couple hours I have to attend to my own appointments and riddled with guilt. I have to do this at the sacrifice that they will not get the reinforcement they need while I am gone.
It will likely put us back half a step. Few things seem worth the trouble.
I seesaw between desperately needing a village and wanting to move far into the woods.
My only respite is an occasional walk or run outside. I walked by your party the other day.
As I approached I worried you would invite me to stop for a drink.
I felt the anxiety but a little excitement. But no worries, you waved and went on enjoying your typical Saturday with your typical friends and typical kids.
And that’s totally okay. I just hope you appreciate how typical your days are because I pray every night for just one day of typical.