*I wrote this post a few years ago. I am still doing my best to keep my marriage spicy, and I’m happy to report we still haven’t propositioned the neighbors. I’ll make sure to let you know if anything changes. Also, side note, I did wax my downstairs parts but it wasn’t something I would do again. Take a look at Part 1 and Part 2 of my personal waxing journey.
With the current divorce rate over 50% in the United States, couples often look for ways to keep their marriage fresh and exciting. It’s kind of like professional development for your love life, a constant continuing educational program to keep you out of divorce court. I have been married for 11 years, and have been in a relationship with my husband for over 18 years. I also recently heard that the seven-year itch has been replaced with the five-year itch, and more and more couples are dabbling in the world of swinging. Yes, swinging! You know 1970’s keys in the fishbowl kind of parties. I find all of this very interesting. In fact I also started doing some of my own research to see what types of marital aids and activities keep couples together, obviously I need to do this because I am now a writer, Duh.
Let’s talk about some of my research. A few years back I was introduced to smut novels. I had never read one and I wasn’t sure what to expect. A good friend of mine lent me a copy of 50 Shades of Grey. Holy Shit! That book could have jump started the engine in a 1908 Model T Ford. It was a page turner to say the least. I had never gotten my kids ready for bed so quickly in my life. “You have to go to bed and stay in bed. Mommy has to have a long hard talk with Daddy tonight.” It was all the rage across the county. I did place my copy of the book inside of a magazine at the dentist’s office so no one knew I was reading it. My fear was the old woman next to me would think, “Look at that dirty bird reading that filth, what a slut.” (Side note: I would totally read these book out in public with no shame now. It is amazing what a tumor can do to change your perspective.) Let me close by saying that I had never read a series of books so quickly, and my husband definitively stated that it was the best summer of his life. So I give a green light on smut novels.
I next took a look at the vast plethora of internet pornography. It in no way interests me, but I do understand that it a multi-billion dollar industry so there must be some allure there. If you ask me, the acting is dreadful and the plot lacking. “I’m here to fix your plumbing ma’am.” “Oh yes, I need a big strong man to bring his long stiff pipe in here now!” When I need a plumber it is mostly likely due to the fact that my 4-year-old stuck an action figure, or my keys down the toilet. I would only call that plumber after I failed several time trying to plunge it out myself, which would lead to pools of shit water on the floor. I am not paying anyone to do a job that I might be able to tackle. And I can guarantee that the plumber I hire will look less like Taylor Lautner, and more like Homer Simpson.
Lingerie, another billion dollar industry can be as classy or trashy as you like. You might be a Fredericks of Hollywood type of lady, or spend your money on purchasing Victoria’s Secret. Either way the idea is to excite your lover with lace, gems, and jewels that play hide and seek with your nipples. My poor husband hasn’t seen lingerie in several years. My nipples need an optometrist; they are cross-eyed from numerous years of breastfeeding. I know it’s best for baby, but WTF I use to have cute perky breasts that looked in the same direction. Now, my husband tilts his head and looks confused, like he doesn’t know which one to look at.
Swinging is happening all around us. Don’t think for a second that it isn’t happening in your town. You can join Swinglife.com or download the Random Naughty hook up dating app to meet naughty couples in your area. I haven’t figured out how swinging saves marriages. “Hey Honey, how about we spice it up with the neighbors? I have wanted to tap that ass for a few years now.” I am sure this works for some people, variety is the spice of life they say. However, my husband would have to have my foot surgically removed from his ass if he asked me to swing. Although all of my neighbors are in their 70’s, so unless he has an old person fetish I might be safe.
Moving on to the last zesty tidbit I have for you. A few years back I was introduced to the Merkin. If you are interested in seeing a variety of images, just search #Merkin, you will get lost for hours. I apologize in advance for this. I was having lunch with a group of colleagues at work when someone was discussing the infamous Merkin. So of course I asked, “What is a Merkin?” I can’t take that question back now, but I wish I had. My friend graciously Google imaged that shit and I became all too aware of the mysterious Merkin. A Merkin is a pubic wig. Yes, it is a modern-day codpiece of hair that replaces your own pubic hair.
I began to read about the Merkin and was shocked to learn that you need to first wax off all of your pubic hair to attach the pubic wig. Why on God’s green earth would I wax off all of my pubic hair to replace it with a wig? How on earth is this a hot commodity? Why are people buying these? I continued to search through the thousands of pictures of Merkins and found that your Merkin could resemble a variety of items. It could be a bedazzled Peacock feather, several pieces of bacon, a long wizard beard, bow tie, kitten face, and so much more. Merkins are not only for women. Watch out ladies, your man may show up with a Merkin shaped like a hot dog. This could create a problem however. Now you’re not only horney but you are also hungry. “Hold on Babe, I gotta grab a sandwich before we bang.”
So as you can see, there are several options for keeping your love life in full bloom. You can try one or try all. Getting married is easy, staying married is a shit ton of work. What works for one, may not work for the other. The moral of the story is to do what you have to do to keep your Merkin Smirkin J