The Rules Of Sick Season

When one kid gets sick, all of them do.

Kids love to hand-hold and be dirty or let’s face it, be kids—so it’s bound to happen.

And when all of them get sick at once, it’s a house full of perpetual tears, snot, and misery.

It’s a house full of coughing, crying, and so many tissues.

The whining takes on an ear-piercing octave you’ve never heard before. It’s dramatic with its extra tears and oomph, with no energy to take that final bow like they usually do. They cry about that pizza they asked for that they didn’t really want, or how they can’t find their pacifier which is right next to them.

Wait, now it’s too far. There’s no pleasing these little humans.

You’ll only escape to go to the doctor where your child will leave her body.

Your child will then be replaced by a pod-person, this demonic creature that acts like she’s in a night terror—but she’s awake. This horrifying little person acts like an afraid animal. It’s sad and frustrating. You feel a whole range of emotions during this appointment—and one of them is deep fear.

The doctor will 99.9% of the time tell you it’s a virus and, in a round-about way, let you know they can’t prescribe medication. So, you’ll go home with no resolution and the memories of your scared feral child.

And then the next day, you’ll go back again because you’re convinced that THIS TIME IT’S DIFFERENT, they have SOMETHING.

And the verdict–all you can do is wait…but don’t worry, tomorrow you’ll be back with a different child.

“I basically should move in,” you’ll joke, and no one will laugh because you’re probably the 1,000,000^th mom that has made that not-so-funny joke.

Your husband will also get sick, and that’s basically like having another child sick.

He’ll moan and cry the man flu until you play the violins for him and make aww poor baby.

The days will be so long in a way that makes you want to call your partner at 9 AM like “Why aren’t you on your way home from work yet? Oh, man, it isn’t 6 PM?!”

Sick season for kids is basically the worst—there’s nothing positive about it.

So, only advice, invest in a hazmat, and hope for the best.