Most Christmas songs come with some sort of message. Some beg us to be moral for the sake of morality. Some instruct us to be cheery or merry or jolly.
Some wish us good tidings, whatever the hell that is.
But never has a Christmas song gotten it so right, so succinct, or truly wrapped up the meaning of the season so perfectly in a neat little bow.
When I see you next Tuesday— on Christmas Eve— I expect you all to have memorized the words and prepared some light choreography.
The song I am referring to is the incredibly rude Christmas song by Fascinating Aïda, a British comedy singing and cabaret group.
Formed in 1985, Fascinating Aïda has been funny as shit since before I was a fetus. These ladies know their stuff.
Members Dillie Keane, Adèle Anderson, and Liza Pulman write and perform hilarious tunes with their sophisticated mezzo and soprano voices. They have toured internationally for decades, recorded eleven albums, and have received multiple Drama Desk and Olivier Award nominations. Fascinating Aïda is nothing if not impressive.
At first glance, they look like a gaggle of church ladies on their way to the best goddamn Christmas pageant the Lord has ever blessed humanity with.
But once they start singing, it’s not long before you realize that their songs are far more satire than saintly. They are everything I want to be when I grow up.
This is probably a good time to mention that you maybe, perhaps, possibly do not want to listen to Christmas Message in the presence of children, mothers-in-law, CPS, or clergy.
Why is that? What yuletide message could be inappropriate for delicate ears?
The kind that implores you not to be a cunt, of course!
The song starts out sweet, making the case for why many of us love Christmas and why we need this special time of year to keep our spirits up when the world is flaming garbage.
But no matter how festive some may feel, there are always Grinches out there trying to spoil our holly jolly happiness.
While Fascinating Aïda knows they can’t make you be nice, they ask you to— at the very least— try not to be a cunt.
Which is really all we can ask of anyone. I would like to take this message and apply it year-round to the cuntity cuntity cunts in my life.
Despite the language, do not fear. This is not a war on Christmas. Just a war on total dickheads at Christmas.
People who yell at carolers.
People who are nasty to retail employees and waitstaff at restaurants and postal workers. P
eople who shame you for elfing on a shelf too much or too little or not at all. People who take up two parking spaces at the mall. Don’t be one of those assholes and everyone can have a merry fucking Christmas.
As the song begs of us,
“For fuck’s sake, be merry, have another sherry, and try not to be a cunt!”