As a child I thought being a grownup was going to be so great. I really believed I would be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. The joke is on me, friends, because being the adult can be a grind. Sure it has its upside, but when the going gets tough, the tough wants to finger paint. Today I looked at my preschoolers and realized they are living the dream. Their world is full of simple fun, play, and color and it is wholly unfair that they are the only ones who get to enjoy it.
So, here are the top 10 reasons I want to be a preschooler today:
The Writing Utensils – I’m tired of signing checks with a ballpoint pen. Boring. I want some fun in my life. Nothing is better than giant chunky pencils. I really like the ones with the tassels hanging off the erasers. Where do you even buy those things? I tried to find them, but I think you can only get them at the Top Secret Teacher Store. You have to know the special password and knock on the fourth tile from the right of the air dryer in the bathroom at Chuck E. Cheese to get in. Even then, if you don’t smell like paste and Pink Pearl erasers, they will reject you faster than the school nurse sends home the kid with pink eye. They sell spray cans of that smell at the Top Secret Teacher Store, too. Aisle 4.
Tantrums and Their Consequences – Yesterday, I couldn’t find something I really wanted at the grocery store. As my frustration level grew I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream while the Sanctimommies rolled their eyes. It looks so satisfying when a three year old does it. I know there is a consequence: time out. I’m okay with that. Even better, send me to my room. For hours. Don’t let me come out until I’ve thought about my actions and am truly sorry for what I did. I’ll be smiling while I think about it and I won’t be sorry for a long, long time. Probably about as long as it takes me to binge watch just about anything on Netflix.
Hair Washing – The tiny people seem to hate this process, but I would love it. I promise to tip my head back and not act like I’m being water boarded. Tear free shampoo and a scalp massage? I’m in. I can’t get in the tub fast enough. I will spell my name in foam letters on the shower wall and splash a tidal wave on the floor for someone else to clean up. (NOT IT!) Where is my fluffy towel? Someone bring me a fluffy towel.
The Play Doh – It smells good. It’s squishy. It comes in lots of colors. As long as no one picks their nose and buries a booger in the green or brown, I’m in love with this preschool piece of Heaven. I can roll, knead, pound, shape, cookie cut for hours. Don’t tell anyone, but I have a secret stash of my own Play Doh hidden in the house. The colors are still separated because it’s all mine. I play with it when they aren’t home and I don’t feel bad about not sharing. Because we all know preschoolers don’t like to share.
Yelling, Look at Me! is always acceptable – Everything a preschooler does is AMAZING. Write my numbers backwards? “Look, how hard you tried! Isn’t that so cute?” Pat, pat, hug. It is a no fail system and I want back in. Preschoolers literally cannot let anyone down. I could pee my pants and color outside the lines and someone would just clean me up and put my art up on the fridge. BAM! (Ok, I’m probably going to skip the pants peeing thing. I don’t remember that being so great the first time around.)
I’d Always Have a Driver – I would not have to drive myself anywhere. I can sit back and relax while I am chauffeured from home to Mommy and Me, chillin’ with a sippy cup and my blankey. No one needs to know what’s in that sippy. That’s between mommy and me.
The Drive Thru is a Happier Place – When I order a Happy Meal now, and I’m alone in the car, they’re all judgey about it. Preschoolers get the best drive thru food. I want the toy in the box and I’m tired of fighting my kid for it. I want to be the kid. I want someone to tell me I have to eat all of my fries before I get to play with the latest animated movie promo swag.
Ketchup counts a Vegetable – Preschoolers get to put ketchup on everything. Every. Single. Thing. Chicken nuggets? Ketchup. French fries? Pour it on. Broccoli? Can’t eat it without the ketchup. No one thinks twice about it. Bon apetit, Baby.
Snuggles – Preschoolers are cute and everyone wants to hug them. I’ve seen pictures. I was above average cute and I’m not even going to try to be modest about it. I love hugs so this is a serious selling point to being a preschooler for me. Somebody find my Mama and Daddy. I’m ready for the rocking chair.
The Naps – Come on, this is a no brainer. I’m not even going to waste time explaining this one. But, it’s required. REQUIRED. Enough said.
Yes. Being a preschooler is amazing. I would do it all over again in a flash if I could.
There are only two things stopping me, aside from the natural aging process. First, preschoolers are not allowed to have caffeine. I’ll confess, that’s a deal breaker for me. Second, and this is really a frightening end to an otherwise sweet daydream:
Lauri Walker is wife to Brandon and Mama to four kids who’ve managed genius status despite being raised on chicken nuggets and take out. Her profession is Daycare Diva and she is a confessed over volunteer-er. In her spare time, Lauri tries to write a little. She has appeared on BLUNTmom, Mom Babble, Mamalode, Good Mother Project, and Sassy Lassie and has her own blog at www.mamaneedsanap.com. You can find her on Facebook, on Twitter, and she’s still trying to figure out Instagram.