Floridians, I’ve had just about enough of the “sucks to be you” jokes and memes plastered all over Facebook. I get that it’s warm where you are and that there are luscious beaches in all directions. Wahoo! I know the temperature rarely falls below 60 degrees and that normal footwear does not include wool socks. Yippee! I also understand that you have gators waiting to bite your asses off and dog-sized spiders crawling through your bathroom plumbing. But we won’t talk about those. I’m here to tell you why your warm-weather jokes REALLY suck—especially this time of the year, when it’s spring and snowing simultaneously like both ends of the flu.
Reason #1: That Winter Itch
When it gets cold and there’s no possibility of catching a little warmth and vitamin D, your skin starts to itch. After five long months of sunlight deprivation and temperatures as frigid as Queen Elizabeth, that itching turns into what looks like an invisible flea infestation. Ever have the chicken pox? Remember that scratching? Times that by ten! It’s not pretty, people.
Reason #2: Twenty Tons of Hidden Dog Poo
Nestled comfortably below four feet of snow is twenty tons of dog poo—layer upon layer of frozen shapooty that will come to rest on the grass once the snow is gone. It doesn’t magically disappear. Or melt into the ground (like my husband and son seem to think). Oh no. It will be waiting there ready to greet us when spring finally arrives. Have fun shoveling on the other side, honey!
Reason #3: There’s No Place Left to Put the Snow
This has been one of the snowiest winters ever! We’re talking a total snowapocalypse. There has been so much of the white stuff that the road crews have resorted to pushing some of it back onto meticulously manicured gardens and lawns. Sure, they’re currently in a solid state, but come warm weather it will look like Metallica partied in the front yard. There’s no more room to store Mother Nature’s dandruff. If we happen to get another blizzard, the excess snow will have to be hauled to different state. Florida comes to mind.
Reason #4: A Little Bird Told Me … Eff This!
The warblers returning from the south are freezing their little birdie balls off. This is no spring welcoming! This is reverse hell! I love birds. They put a song in my heart. Watching them land in a frozen birdie bath and then flying back off in the direction of Florida is…depressing.
Reason #5: We’re Trapped Inside and Crawling Up the Walls
This is not the latest Grudge Girl movie. This is cabin fever morphed into cabin hysteria! Sure we can go outside if we like snotcicles dripping from our noses and dodging a maze of dog poop. But it keeps snowing! And the wind is relentless. It’s not exactly inviting outdoor conditions. So we’re trapped inside while y’all (see what I did there?) are sunbathing and cooking roasted flamingo on the grill. Something has to give. Soon.
Reason #6: Brown EVERYTHING is Ugly
The first sign of snow is magical, a white winter wonderland—for five freaking minutes. Once the snow hits the ground and plows have trudged through it, all that lovely white powder turns to dirt-encrusted mush. This mush gets all over our nice vehicles, pant bottoms, and shoes. It is subsequently tracked indoors in a never-ending game of Walk and Mop.
I’m ready for some green, Floridians! Send some of that sunshine up here! And knock off the “sucks to be you” jokes.
