It’s a long-standing joke that if men were the gender responsible for carrying babies, the human race would soon be extinct. While some guys are sympathetic to the significant physical changes that occur during pregnancy & childbirth, many of them just.don’t.get.it.
My husband and I have six kids, but I tell you with confidence that if he were the one to be pregnant, we’d have MAYBE one child. Definitely not more than two. I’ve nursed this man through many a cold in our twenty years together, so I can’t even imagine how high-maintenance nine months of pregnancy would be.
(Speaking of colds, my husband had a cold when I was delivering our third child. As I was in the throes of labor, the mantra on repeat from him: “Ugh, this cold is the worst. The WORST!”… really, guy? Really??)
Imagining men being pregnant and giving birth is oddly appealing, only we don’t have to imagine it anymore- we’ve got very graphic illustrations to amuse us!
A series of cartoons depicts EXACTLY what it would look like if men were the ones getting pregnant, and, well, it’s both hilarious and horrifying.
The sketches were created by comic artist Jeff Mahannah, whose amusing graphic work is featured on his Instagram account. In this Bizarro World, men are carrying babies… in their peens, apparently. Don’t ask why- life finds a way.
If that mental image isn’t unpalatable enough, here’s a visual for you to indulge in:
Here’s the happy couple, tears in their eyes, as their much-awaited pregnancy is confirmed via ultrasound. It’s such a sweet mome- well, it would be a sweet moment, if this dude’s hairless sack wasn’t forcing our eyes down south.
And what’s going on with that darkened tip? You know how pregnancy makes your nipples temporarily darken? Would male pregnancy hormones darken the tip instead of the nips?
A moderate amount of exercise is recommended during pregnancy, and men would be no exception. A relaxing stroll in the park is a great source of fresh air, as long as Daddy-To-Be can secure his giant peen bulge while walking (though props to him for his snazzy paternity shorts, which are clearly made from stretchable fabric!).
Pregnancy photo shoots are extremely popular nowadays, and there’s no better way to commemorate that special time than with a loving bump photo.
While the devoted wife’s finger heart is truly “heart”warming, Daddy’s scrawny scrote-dangle is less touching.
And here’s deary wifey, head to… HEAD with their impending arrival. Based on the size of this bundle of joy, it’s obvious that this peen is ready to pop.
While childbirth is typically a messy, bloody business, a man giving birth brings the potential “ick” factor to a whole new level.
And no, you won’t be able to un-see this. Look away, dear ones. Look AWAY!
My eyes. MY EYES!!!
You don’t have to be male to appreciate the pain that this would likely cause…. but if you are male and are imagining this, I’m betting it’s that much better!
But as women have learned, the pain of childbirth *is soon forgotten* as you finally get to hold your little bundle of joy and **your body gradually returns to normal**.
*no, it’s not.
**It never returns to normal. I’ll never be able to jump on a trampoline again without peeing myself. Thanks, kids.
Dad’s trouser snake will never be the same, but at least his paternity clothes will hold things in place, or not so much.
The illustrations only confirm that we should all be thankful that men DON’T get pregnant, because this kind of pregnancy would be less miraculous and more “horror-movie-grade” status.
But on the bright side, if your woman decides she’s done having kids, these visuals sure make a vasectomy seem like small potatoes, don’t they, fellas??