I have been asked some questions about this pregnancy (my third) that have made me actually laugh out loud. When you have two kids on earth already, pregnancy becomes a bit harder to manage.
I am here to dispel some pregnancy myths like a ghostbuster busting the marshmallow man. So, grab your proton pack, and myth-busting we go.
Myth #1: Your bump serves as a cushion for your on-earth babies when you lift them.
Reality: No, no, no. Your bump isn’t a helpful cushion. It’s a slip and slide (sans water), and you will constantly have to lift your kids up again if their legs fall past your belly-button.
Myth #2: You will still love cuddling your husband at the end of the night.
Reality: No, sorry. As much as you love your husband, you won’t want to cuddle him. You have his kids hanging onto you like monkeys all day. By the end of the night, you’re hot, hormonal and feel like a potbellied pig that rolled around in the mud.
Also, everything hurts by the end of the day. It’s the only chance you get to put your feet up. So, no, please don’t cuddle-let-alone-touch your pregnant wife.
Myth #3: You love when people think your belly is a Buddha belly and its good luck to rub it.
Reality: You will not get wealth, prosperity, luck from rubbing a pregnant woman’s belly and it can be awkward for everyone involved. So, keep your hands off the belly unless otherwise instructed.
Myth #4: You love when people tell you, you don’t look uncomfortable.
Reality: I promise, even if a mama’s bump is small, she is uncomfortable. By the third trimester, your lady bits are always hurting, your baby keeps sitting on nerves that shoot down your legs, and your bump is still stretching up top—and THAT HURTS!
On top of that, you have to keep up with your on-earth children, and if you have dependent babies like me (one is three, the other is nineteen-months) you have to lift them, bathe them, EVERYTHING! So, gosh, you are very uncomfortable with this big bump and constant uncomfortableness hindering your regular mom duties.
Myth #5: You should slow it down by the end of your pregnancy
Reality: HA. Those babies on earth don’t understand that mama is uncomfortable. Their idea of helping is to smack the belly (for the record, no, not helpful).
They need things done for them. They need their bottles, snacks, and meals made. They need to go places and participate in classes. They need you to help them during those classes. They won’t sit around all day, and watch movies with you while eating bonbons just because you have a baby inside of you and “should take it slow.”
In all seriousness, being pregnant again for the third time around has been a beautiful blessing. I will take all the discomfort in the world to meet my healthy new addition soon. Until then, if I get one of these questions, I will have my proton pack on hand to blast them.
This post originally appeared on the author’s Facebook.