County’s Speech About Reopening Tennis Has People Cackling As Woman Explains How To Handle Balls.

We New Yorkers are known for having balls- usually big ones, and sometimes made of brass. What we’re not used to, however, is someone telling us exactly what we’re supposed to do with our balls. But quarantine life has shown us that sometimes “normal” no longer applies; there are new rules.

Instead of kicking ass and taking names, New Yorkers now supposed to kick balls instead now… apparently.

A county spokesperson left people cackling in childish glee after her awkward televised explanation detailing exactly how people are supposed to handle their balls… now that county tennis courts are re-opening.

Areas of hard-hit New York are slowly re-opening after nearly two months of closure. The latest thing once again available to the public are the local park’s tennis courts.

But before you suit up in your tennis whites and hit the courts, there are some rules to follow, people. While you can now play a balls-to-the-wall tennis match on public courts, touching your opponent’s balls is off-limits.

Nassau County Executive Laura Curran explained the new rules for tennis in a live press conference on May 15, and all the “ball” talk soon devolved into something out of a Beavis & Butthead sketch.

Curran first explained that while members of the same household could all touch the same balls (whew- good to know!), you should bring your own tennis balls so that you’re not touching someone else’s… balls.

That makes sense, no? Everyone’s got their own preferences when it comes to balls. Some like them firm, some prefer the well-used variety. Some like a fuzzier ball, and some prefer to play with smooth ones that have a good bounce.

Here’s where things went south (pun intended) with the new tennis rules, as Curran explained:

You can kick their balls, but you can’t touch them.

The cupping motion of her hand really drove the point home, because everyone likes to play with nice, firm balls, right? Tennis, of course. I mean TENNIS.

(And note the gentleman to Laura Curran’s right (left on the screen), who subconsciously shifted as Curran demonstrated the kicking of the balls. He seems to know the pain of a kick to the… balls. Tennis, of course.)

*cue the titters of laughter from the crowd.* No, seriously. This crowd began to awkwardly giggle like fifth graders at the mandatory school puberty video.

Even Laura Curran herself realized what her phrasing sounded like; she paused for a moment, and her next words were:

I’m gonna blush. Sorry.

At this point, it’s safe to say that her entire audience had the same thought:

“Heh heh… she said BALLS.” And NO ONE was thinking about tennis anymore. 

To her credit, Curran tried to stay professional & stick to the script:

Of course, if you’re playing with someone else in your household, you can touch their (tennis) balls.

Exactly. Stick to the balls you know- better safe than sorry!

And yes, even Laura Curran herself was laughing at this point, because it’s pretty damn funny to have to explain ball etiquette to citizens that are eager to get out there & start grabbing them.

Curran’s advice on how to keep other people off your balls: grab a Sharpie and mark those babies up. 

To avoid confusion over whose balls are whose, you can use a marker, like a sharpie, to put an “X” on them, or your initials.

Yep, X marks the spot!! So grab a marker, ladies -preferably washable, I’m thinking- and scrawl your initials on your favorite balls. After all, no one wants another woman touching the balls in their own household, am I right?

Although the live briefing likely went on a bit longer, the vast majority of reposted clips ended there, because absolutely no one was thinking about tennis anymore. 

So the bottom line is, tennis is once again fair game on Long Island… as long as you’re not messing with someone else’s balls.

No matter how excited you are to be out of your house & seeing new balls, keep your hands off! The best balls to play with are still those in your own home, k?