There are times when I swear to God, I will be saying something in my house, and my phone will hear it and begin to show me ads for that thing.
Last week, I casually mentioned to my husband that my lower back is sore, and out of nowhere, AARP and Sleep Number bed ads started showing up in my Facebook newsfeed. Weird, right?
So, here is my question. If Facebook knows that I am a middle-aged mom of three with a sore back, then WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH am I getting ads for a shirt-slash-cooter-cozy that isn’t wide enough on the cooter cozy to cover a damn walnut adequately?
Apparently, I am not the only one with questions regarding the “Blooming Into Beauty Butterfly Set”
The comments section under this shirt, which looks more like a PSA for not getting a yeast infection, is pure comedy gold.
The ad reads, “Flex Like You’re The Flyest Of Them All,” and you need to see this to believe it.
Side note, if you’re having a tough day and need a laugh, then you will be blessed with deep, deep, belly laughs. Just don’t pee yourself as I did.
The shirt…is it really a shirt, tho?
Appears to have billowy, breezy sleeves, a tight bodice, and crotch floss. Like, how do you even wear this? And with what? But the best part, of course, is the comments section.
Melody Rodrigues brings up a valid point here, one indeed needs advanced folding skills to pull off this wafer-thin flappy fold. I know that my flaps won’t fold like this anymore, tho. I’ve had three kids. Oh, well.
Allan Benavidez shares my concern here too. I mean, if I move too quickly like say on a trampoline, I will pee a little. It is what it is. But this lady? Her whisker biscuit might actually launch into orbit if she sneezes.
For real. WHERE. IS. THE. REST. OF. IT?!
Girl, even if this came in camel toe size, it would need some fold-out wings because I am not over here waxing a damn thing. Is there is a sweater attachment I can add?
I mean, yeah. How would you even get out of this thing if you had to pee? I’d be poppin’ Azo too. But, honestly, if I even got this over my thunder hole, I feel like I’d have other concerns.
Same, girl. Same. I will stick to granny panties. The plus side is that granny panties can double as sails if I ever need a parachute escape plan.
Is Fashion Nova clothing designed by people who have never seen a Chalupa before? Because they really missed the mark here.
Ah-ha! Finally, we have a solution to this problem. Remove the whisker biscuit for steam cleaning and *then* put on the cooter choker.
Make sure to look for loose change when you’re cleaning, tho, it can really add up.
Her lips sure are sealed, sealed with the strength of dried playdoh in the carpet.
Listen, I get it, fashion is a unique way to express yourself.
And certainly, every lady out there ought to be able to feel confident to wear vag floss if she so chooses. I’m just saying that maaayyybeeee designers could create clothing that is intended for realistic body parts?
The fact that this Facebook ad has attracted so many hilarious comments about the tiny taco and the piece of string pasted to it has more to do with how ridiculous beauty standards are for vaginas than the clothing itself.
Vaginas are not tiny, flat, slits. Can we please stop making clothes that force women to stop and say, “Man, my Vulvarine won’t fit in that,” because what the hell, designers? What. The. Hell.
For more fun, visit the Fashion Nova Facebook ad here where you can add your two cents.