A Children’s Guide To Being An Asshole or How to Break Mommy’s Spirit in 18 Easy Steps
Start a fight club with your siblings.
Have working meetings during all the waking hours beginning at the ass crack of dawn. Fight about who’s the leader of the fight club. Always and only fight at max volume and highest pitch.
Do not do ANYTHING unless Mom is screaming at you.
Instructions given in the inside voice aren’t serious.
Always strike back physically (i.e.: kicking, punching, hitting and/or biting) when antagonized by a sibling.
This way, Mom’s blood pressure skyrockets and she has no idea who to punish because she doesn’t care who started it and she’s too busy looking for a corkscrew.
Never, ever put anything back after you’ve used it.
Just get up and casually walk away. Glue, Calico Critters, cookie cutters, glitter, Legos, 400 crayons, dirty dishes, used tissues. Eventually, Mom will get so tired of looking at it, she’ll do it herself. Hakuna Matata.
On school mornings, make Mom drag you out of bed Weekend at Bernie’s style.
On the weekends, blast the soundtrack to Moana as loud as possible before the sun comes up (but don’t forget about fight club). Then once Mom is awake and sufficiently pissed, demand breakfast immediately because otherwise you will surely die of starvation.
Take any and all commands as mere suggestions.
Then decide whether or not it suits you to oblige.
Cry about taking a shower every. single. night. like it’s your job.
Act as though the bath water is actually hot lava coming out of the faucet.
Always consider your options when given a punishment ultimatum.
Sometimes not complying is worth losing that toy you don’t really care THAT MUCH about because– let’s face it–you have way too much crap anyway.
Do not, under any circumstances, eat the meal that is put in front of you, especially if it’s the same meal everyone else is eating.
Pretend it’s poison. Demand special dietary accomodations like you’re Mariah Carey.
Beg your parents to sign you up for expensive extra-curricular activities across town.
Then, after two practices, make THEM beg YOU to go to said activities every week. Also, make sure to misplace at least one of the shoes required for wearing at this activity precisely one minute before it’s time to get in the car.
Always try to see how much more you can squeeze out of Mom’s generosity.
For example: If she takes you to get ice cream, immediately beg and whine to get multiple toppings. If she takes you to the movies, immediately beg and whine for an Icee AND some candy. If she buys you a bike, immediately beg and whine to go on a bike tour of Napa.
When Mom says she’s in a hurry, pump the brakes and IMMEDIATELY slow the eff down.
If she tells you to hurry, decide it’s time to poop.
When you spill something, stand stock-still until someone else frantically springs into action (preferably Mom).
Let milk/nail polish/syrup/amoxicillin drip off the counter right in front of your stone face without moving a muscle.
Never replace a roll of toilet paper, lest Mom think you are capable. Also under this umbrella, never clean up your poop smears from the toilet seat.
At bedtime, get out of bed NO LESS than 7 times before going to sleep–10 if Dad is out of town.
Bonus if your room is upstairs and Mom has to walk you back each time. Some suggested complaints: thirst, hunger, fear, digestion problems, unfairness of sibling’s bedtime, impending heat stroke, freezing to death, lost library book, lack of appropriate music, old bug bites, general insomnia, grief over pet who died two years ago.
Never put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket.
Leave them on the floor where you took them off. UNLESS you changed your mind about what to wear, then you can put the discarded clean clothes in the dirty laundry basket. Never remove underwear from your inside out pants. And also make sure you leave your chapstick, gum, or a couple crayons in your pockets.
Do your best to cry, whine, and complain like a boss at every opportunity while on vacation. Especially theme parks.
Parents are particularly vulnerable at theme parks because they’re only there for your pleasure. And when you’re at the beach, act like Mom dictates the weather conditions and direct all your rage at her when you have to get out of the water during a lightning storm. Screaming fits encouraged.
Always tearfully apologize and tell Mom you love her after she recovers from losing it.
She’ll most likely forgive you and allow you live to see the light of another day.
This post originally appeared on Diary of a SueperMom.
Suzy Carlisle is a frazzled, hot mess of a SAHM living the dream in her beloved home state of Florida. She and her husband of 14 years are raising two precious daughters who provide plenty of fodder for her writing hobby. Suzy’s favorite things (besides her family) are the Florida Gators, dogs, candy, and naps.