I’m a mom who likes sex and we need to quit joking about how awful it is. If you spend any time following other moms on social media, and you will come across a few standard tropes:
Moms love coffee.
Moms love wine.
Moms love leggings.
Moms love Target.
These shared joys bond mothers in a world often lonely and hard.
And, along with the communal laughs at these basic forms a happiness, is another commonality among moms:
Sex, (and I mean heterosexual sex) at least as portrayed in the countless memes, blog posts, tweets and videos, is despised by lots of women, most of all moms.
I scroll the comments, made by women all affirming the terribleness of sex, and I feel like the odd one out. I wonder how awful it must feel to be in a relationship, with someone you love, and not at all be interested in a physical connection.
I get how motherhood is draining; I was often too tired to get my freak on after sleepless nights and days spent tending to a crying, pooping, feeding and burping machine.
I was tapped out and touched out. My interest in sex may have waned, but it never disappeared. When I was exhausted, I longed to feel more refreshed and sexual. And, often, even when I was in a zombie-like daze, I mustered up the energy to do it, because I need sex in my marriage.
A healthy sex life is as important in my relationship as good communication, an understanding of one another’s financial habits, and finding common ground in the faith we practice. If either of us feels unsatisfied or unfulfilled by the physical intimacy of our relationship, we know we have to make a change.
At no point, would I want my husband or myself to feel like sex is a chore, something to check off the to-do list along with unloading the dishwasher or taking out the garbage.
I want to continue to love sex with my husband as much as I did when we were younger, child-free and could just wake up and do it without any worry of kids interrupting us.
I want our sex lives to evolve, to meet the changing needs of our lives, but to never lose the joy we have in physical intimacy.
Because a marriage without joyous sex sounds awful. And too many of you are denying yourselves.
I am not saying you should be bumping uglies on the daily (but high fives if you are). We all have days we just aren’t feeling sex, and would rather chill on the couch and binge watch our favorite shows. I also understand sex drives vary, and many are cool with sex a few times a year. But, at least, make those times ones you enjoy.
Because, statistically speaking, you are not likely an asexual. You are someone with sexual desires and sexual needs. If you cringe at the thought of physical intimacy, and laugh along with others who feel the same, you might want to take a harder look at your relationship and how you are being failed in the bedroom.
Because, hating sex with your partner isn’t healthy or normal, and it shouldn’t be something we joke about online.
This shared disgust of a normal human function is a sign of a greater issue among heterosexual women.
Too many of us are failing ourselves by not speaking up and demanding what we need from our partners.
Too many of us are focused on pleasing our husbands, instead of pleasing ourselves.
Too many of us are laughing away a problem.
We need to change how we talk about sex.
We need more posts claiming:
“Kids are asleep, time to get my sex on!”
“So excited for our weekend away, I can’t wait to connect with my spouse.”
I want us to be proud of our sexual desires, I want us to own our wants and claim what we deserve.
I want us to love sex more than we love coffee, wine or yoga pants.
Because loving sex shouldn’t be abnormal.