I love advice about how to prepare for motherhood. It makes it sound so easy, like a recipe for making cereal.
Not sure if you’ve heard, but in fact being a mom is not easy. The hours are long, the boobs are sore, and the pay is… vomit all over your clean shirt.
In this post, I’m not going to tell you the things you already know, like to put the medicine in a lockbox out of reach of your child. I’m going to tell you the things you might not think about, but probably should.
Truthfully, nature is already doing a fine job of preparing you for life as someone’s mom.
Does it bother you that you have a 5 pound human inside you who sits on your bladder every time you have to pee?
That’s nature getting you ready for the very real possibility that you may not get to pee alone again until you are old enough to need an adult diaper.
See what I mean? Thanks, nature.
10 Ways to Prepare for Motherhood
1. Share all your thoughts about what kind of mom you’ll be. Talk to your friends and relatives about how you are going to discipline your child the “right way,” how formula is poison, and how the virtues of hemp diapers far outweigh the brutal itchiness and occasional lacerations caused by it.
While you’re sharing, you should get yourself a journal and share what’s happening with you. Not a baby book. You need a journal that’s for your eyes only.
Start now, even before the baby arrives. How are you feeling? How are the people in your life supporting you – or causing you stress? Journaling will help you deal with a lot of emotions and challenges that are coming your way. **I like this one. http://a.co/d/fk7xuUV **
2. Put your bossy britches on. Tell your partner, your family, and the guy in line behind you at the DMV that they should shut their pie holes, and do what you say. It’s hormones. Hormones are the get out of jail free card that allows you to say whatever you want right now.
As long as you’re telling people what to do, you should make sure you have your **Amazon Baby Registry filled with the things you need for you and your baby. It’s actually a very kind thing to do. People who care about you and want to send you a gift to show their love. Make it as easy as possible for them.
3. Practice yelling at people for doing things you don’t like. If you can’t drink alcohol and coffee while pregnant and breastfeeding, no one in your orbit can have alcohol or coffee. You’re the mom. You’re the boss of them.
Not up for yelling? You should write a “no kidding” list of things well-meaning people should not do when you have the baby. If you don’t want guests at the hospital, or you would like to have some time without guests once home, tell people. They can’t do what you ask if you don’t ask.
4. Babysit as many human children as possible. Call all your friends, especially that one friend with the kid who spits on new people, and tell them to put you on their speed dial. Think of it as parenting boot camp, if you never, ever got out of boot camp.
Well maybe don’t go that far, but definitely surround yourself with moms who have seen it all and done it all. They are the ones who will answer the phone at 2 AM and tell you it’s okay that your baby pooped some manner of liquid death through her diaper. If you don’t have any mom friends, join some mom groups on Facebook. (I happen to think ours is a great place, so join!)
5. Remind your husband that his evil man desires did this to you. You have to pee right now, guaranteed you do, and it’s all because of him. Invite him to push a toy dinosaur through his penis as atonement for what he’s done.
Or, have a real conversation about what life may be like when the baby comes home. Talk about how you feel as one half of this relationship, and how you two can keep that love alive and growing when you are parents. Reassure your partner that although they may feel left behind for a while, you love them all the more for understanding.
6. Dance like your neighbors are watching. Dance with a 5-pound bag of flour poured into a large balloon.
You should at all times be in a perpetual state of movement. Dance in your chair, dance in the shower, and dance your way through the grocery store, all while carting around that loosey-goosey balloon bag baby of flour. It’s called practice.
Laugh now but when you’re bouncing that baby for 23.5 hours a day trying to get her to sleep, you’ll write me a thank you note.
Seriously, you should start to prepare now for the physical toll motherhood takes on a woman’s body. Go for walks, choose a parking space a little farther away than you have to, and find some small arm weights to help work those muscles a little. Of course, talk to your doctor about what you can do to get yourself ready physically.
7. Do everything the Kardashians moms do. If at any time one of them posts a photo of a baby on their Instagram, buy whatever that baby is wearing.
Your baby can’t be seen in the wild in nothing but her hemp diapers. It’s unseemly.
If you want to buy things you actually need, there are a few things you may not have thought about. Buy diapers that aren’t for newborns. Once babies go through a couple packages of those, they’re going to need bigger diapers.
You don’t want to be stuck with a closet full of NB diapers. You’d have to get pregnant again just to use them, so not a fiscally sound decision.
Definitely, buy a nice water bottle for yourself. Breastfeeding moms are supposed to drink water every time they nurse to prevent dehydration and increase milk flow. This is one of the best I’ve found: **http://a.co/d/6QTrgwD
8. Prepare for the heartbreak of giving up delicious food. Time is running out on your special edition, limited time only, eat-all-you-want-card.
Of course, you would love to eat a family size bag of barbecue chips covered in chocolate and sprinkled on top of a steak. But, when the baby arrives, the yummy bad food ends. Otherwise, your breast milk will be yucky, you won’t lose weight, and you’ll probably feel even more tired than you already are.
A better way to prepare for motherhood is by learning to make healthy freezer meals for your family. Your future self will love you so hard when you first bring baby home because you won’t have to worry about meals.
9. Get all your parenting advice from Pinterest. You don’t know how to make your own baby wipes? Seriously? Then how is anyone supposed to believe you’ll be the kind of new mom who can teach your baby sign language?
Kidding. (Or am I?)
Honestly, you shouldn’t even be looking at any social media posts about babies for at least 6 months. You need to do motherhood your way, and you can’t do that if all you see are Instagram moms wearing full makeup and heels.
Spend your social media time in our That’s Inappropriate Parenting Group where it’s safe. (We promise not to wear heels.)
10. The best way to prepare yourself for motherhood is to draw on your strengths and ask for help where you don’t feel strong. Practically every human person you know has advice about how to be a mom.
Some of it’s helpful. Some of it is not. Some of it should be reported to state and local authorities.
Take what you want, use what you need, and let the rest go. Let. It. Go.
In closing, you should know that you’re going to make mistakes, some worse than others. You’re going to throw up your hands in frustration and confusion more than once.
Sometimes, when your hair is dirty and you are exhausted mentally, you’ll show up here at That’s Inappropriate to laugh with us and to be reminded that no mom is ever really prepared for motherhood.
Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.