Things Doctors Don’t Need to Tell Seasoned Mothers


I brought Aless for her 9-month checkup yesterday which, aside from her head circumference continuing to decline (for another day), went splendid. I am, however, amazed that at 38-years-old having already raised three productive, awesome kids the doctor feels it necessary to say certain things to me. Technically, I’m a freakin’ pro. You don’t get much more seasoned than me. Here are some of the things he reminded me of and instructed me to do (while I stood there nodding like a cheap dollar store bobblehead):

  • Don’t hold her while frying bacon on the stove. (Are those song lyrics?)
  • Keep her away from buckets. (So toilets and tubs are okay?)
  • Make sure the door to the cellar is shut at all times (Listen, doc. I’ve watched Paranormal Activity 3 a few times. I GET this one.)
  • She has teeth so you can brush them regularly. (WTF! She has teeth! My nipples never noticed.)
  • Don’t let her fall asleep with a bottle in her mouth. (I suppose that includes bourbon?)
  • She should be saying a few words by now. (Oh, hell, yeah. She has the Gettysburg Address down.)
  • Be careful of loose shelves on bookcases. (Okay – This one, I’ll give to you.)
  • Continue to use a car seat. (Good idea. You know how those seatbelts can be quite overwhelming for someone only 28 inches tall.)
  • Objects can get lodged in babies’ noses, so always keep an eye out. (You mean, keep a nose out, right?)

Okay, so those are great reminders and I’m being a little (lot) sarcastic here. One he did forget that I will remind you of:

  • Never let them stand up, twirl their cowboy or cowgirl hat and scream “yeehaw” while riding in the stroller. Use the safety belt. It’s there for a reason.


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