Today I cried. I cried hard. I sat at top of the staircase, covered my face, & cried.
When he saw me start to come down the stairs, The Toddler ran behind the recliner to hide.
He knew he wasn’t allowed to have the cereal but there it was spilled all over the kitchen counter I had just finished scrubbing.
He was hiding from me, afraid I would start yelling again.
I wanted to. I would have.
But instead, I cried.
He watched me for a moment; confusion turning into concern.
“Oh Mom,” he said, “please don’t cry.”
But I just sat there. Exhausted, defeated, & broken.
He brought me his ball & his racecar.
He did a silly dance & made a funny face.
He touched my face & put his tiny arms around my shoulders.
“Please Mom. Don’t cry.”
Today was a bad day.
He wants candy for breakfast.
I want to go back to sleep.
He wants Team Umizoomi NOT Bubble Guppies.
I want to turn the TV off & go back to bed.
He doesn’t want to take a shower.
I want to take a shower by myself.
Instead, I shower with my hands over my ears with the Toddler sitting at my feet. The shower walls amplify his defiant screams & shatter my eardrums.
He wants to get out of the house.
I want to go to bed.
He wants a tennis ball from the grocery store.
I want a bottle of wine.
Wait now he wants the football?? He screams it loud enough for the entire store to hear.
I want to leave him in the parking lot.
The entire day goes on like this. Fight after fight. Argument after argument.
Despite it all, today, I am trying.
I reach out to a friend & tell her how I’m feeling.
I keep my voice level & calm. I talk to the Toddler & listen & try to understand. I give so many hugs & dozens of kisses.
I turn off the screens & turn on music.
I dance around & play on the floor & read books.
But no matter how hard I try & no matter what I do or say or act, it doesn’t stop.
Today, I tried. I really, really tried.
Everything I thought I knew about parenting was exhausted & useless.
Today, I failed.
Today I screamed & cussed & threw things.
Today I popped my kid on the mouth more than once & I put him in timeout.
Today I lashed out at my husband & resented the peaceful relationship he has with our son.
Today, I was mean. I was unkind. I was impatient.
Today, I lost.
I lost the fight with my son. I lost the fight with my husband.
I lost the fight with myself.
Today, I don’t think I can do this anymore.
Today, I don’t want this life.
So yeah, today I cried.
No one tells you about this part.
No one tells you about the anger & the sadness & the isolation & the disdain.
No one tells you that motherhood brings out an unrecognizable version of yourself who you hate & resent.
No one tells you about days like today.
But as I sat on the staircase weeping at the terrible thoughts rattling through my head, that little boy didn’t leave my side.
He had spent the entire day watching me morph into a terrible, ugly monster, just as I’d watched him become one as well.
But at the end of the day, when our scary monster masks melt away, I am still his Mama & he is still my child.
Today, I am his mother & tomorrow will be the same.
So tomorrow, I will keep trying.
& you should too.
Keep trying, Mama. Keep going.
Today was hard. Tomorrow might be too. That’s okay.
Some days won’t have a happy ending. Some days there are no resolutions.
You just have to go to bed & wake up ready to try again.
We can do this, Mamas. We can do this.
If you have had or are having days like today, leave a comment, share this, or send me a message. Anything to send the message to all mothers that we are not alone in days like today.
All my love,
Taylor
Today I cried.I cried hard.I sat at top of the staircase, covered my face, & cried.When he saw me start to come…
Posted by Ticking Time Momb on Friday, March 1, 2019
I have a lot of days like this, especially since summer vacation started. Between my 2yo crying and getting into everything, my 6 and10 yos fighting with each other, with me, crying/whining about something, not listening, those are the hard days. The days when i think to myself that I’m doing something wrong. The days when i want to hide. The worst days are the ones where I get to a point after listening to at least 2 kids yelling constantly and me yelling constantly and not having even a moment to myself to breathe, that I dont even want to be around my kids. Those are the worst days. Because it makes me feel terrible. I love my kids, fights and tears and all. But I wake up everyday and try. Some days are easier than others and to know that even one other person in the world understands, then I dont feel so alone.
Thank you for sharing your story. For letting me know that I am not alone in my fight to try.
We have all had days like this, and if anyone says they haven’t, they are lying. 😀
I had a day like this just last week. Seemed like all week my toddler driving me crazy and I was getting more and more exhausted. I am 8 months pregnant so when Friday came around and my teething toddler who is also going through a bout of separation anxiety finally broke me I cried hard and I feared my new baby. I yelled and then I ran away climbed into bed and cried. I felt like I had failed as a mom. Took me a while to regain control and calm down then I went back to my toddler, apologized for yelling and scaring him and then hugged him tight. He hugged me back and we just sat snuggled on the couch watching his kid show. Toddlers are best at driving you crazy and pushing you past your limits but also best at showing so much love.
This week it was battle after battle with my two kids (daughter-3 son-2). My breaking point came over the weekend when I truly felt defeated. My kids generally behave around other people especially when other kids are around. But today – reality reared it’s ugly head in front of my best friend of almost 20 years and her 2 girls (5 &3). She refused to listen she wouldn’t take a bite of her food, she wouldn’t sit back down at the table while everyone else still ate, and then my son joined in. Then she wouldn’t close the door, instead she looked at me made a fresh remark and walked right through it and slammed it behind the 2 of them as they walked outside.(my husband was in the yard). I proceeded to hold in my frustration in front of my friend’s children and compliment them on how nicely they were sitting and what a great job they did eating their children. Only to be told by her oldest “yea not like your kids”. If there was a moment I could have cried in front of everyone that was it. But I held it together only to apologize to my friend for their rude behavior. We have all been there.
I feel this girl. Not today, today was ok but man do I feel this so many days. Thank you for saying these things. When you wrote that no one told you motherhood would turn you into a person you would resent and that you would hate that really spoke to me because it’s true.
I needed to read this! This was me today. Our day started out with my 4 year old very grumpy and whiny. Later, on a walk he took off on his scooter. He was out of sight and around the nearest corner in no time. I am currently pregnant and running hurts my joints, my belly and my lungs. When I caught up to him he was evil laughing. I kept my cool and informed him that it is not safe or nice to run away from me. I told him that because of his bad choice he no longer got to go to the playground. This playground was unfortunately across the street (a street I’m very grateful he didnt cross when he took off) making the complete meltdown even worse. He threw himself down on someones front lawn then proceeded to throw a temper tantrum. Still attempting to keeping my cool, I tried every trick I knew to get him to calm. Eventually I tied our dogs to a tree chased him down and caught him at the front door of the house (I hope they weren’t home). Then collected the dogs, slung the scooter over my shoulder and pulled him screaming for an entire half mile back home. He was sent straight to timeout because at that point I couldnt be around him any longer. I called my husband crying and told him the story and my worries about having to repeat that with 2 boys in tow. He later surprised me by coming home early and giving me some much needed ALONE time. Before putting him to bed we always talk about our day. I told my son today was a bad day and we are going to try to be better tomorrow.
Thank you for writing this. With quarantine still in place where we live I was feeling extra alone in my parenting struggle.
Oh man I REALLY relate to this. So often I feel so guilty that I’m not “the best version” of myself and that I lose my temper and am so tired so often. This makes me feel a little better..thanks for sharing ??
Today was that day with my daughter. I was struggling so much I went to the bathroom to try to have a Moment’s Peace you know how that goes when I picked up my phone and I read this I can explain to you how much hearing your words help and I’m not alone and I can do this thanks so much for sharing. Keep On Keepin On.
This is me right now. This exact moment actually, as I just got out of the shower with the rambunctious toddler and crying babe. I have four and for a while, a short while, I felt confident in my parenting…I felt good. Then number three came and he tries me every.single.day. I worry about my anger affecting him, I worry about shortchanging our older two kids. I worry about everything. My cup or bucket or whatever is bone dry at the end of every day. And I have this sweet, chunky babe who I alternate between wanting to hold him every second and then being frustrated that he has to seemingly be held every second. I want to enjoy him and the preschooler so so badly but most days I just want to take a shower by myself, be able to read uninterrupted, take my older kids for a hike or to the library and actually enjoy it instead of having to constantly track and intervene for my third. I want to get back to that confident,loving and fun parent I used to be.It was never perfect but I enjoyed it more that resenting it.
I remember those days, hang in there, it does get better. At it’s best as adults
I feel like you wrote this about me. Oh how I’ve struggled lately, well honestly for a lot longer than lately. I’m not me anymore. I haven’t been me for so long I’m not sure I know who she is anymore. Thank you though, so very much, for writing this. Your honesty is refreshing and it’s so comforting to know I’m not alone.
I had this day today as a step mom. They are a little different than the usual one with my 3 year old but they leave the same flavors…isolation, sadness, disdain…anger. I didn’t have it in me today to keep trying to bridge the gap between my 14 year old step daughter, my husband and myself. I didn’t have the emotional energy for continued rejection nor the fortitude to manage the uphill climb of manipulation. I let my broken heart get the best of me in front of my husband. I’m worn out today.
Thank you for making me feel heard and seen.
I’m crying reading this because I’m having this day right now. Thank you for helping me feel a little less alone and less of a failure
Yesterday was that day. My 13-year-old knocked over a can of paint and it went all over the floor. So I told my kids to call their father, locked myself in my room, and screamed my head off. Even though it was an accident ,it felt like the culmination of months of stress blowing out the top of my head. Dad came home and cleaned it up with them and I laid in my bed for another half hour, feeling like a useless mother. How much is laid on our shoulders….
Thank you for writing this. I feel like all the moms around me, got this parenting thing and I am the only one that cant keep it together. My anger issues have coming to light a lot, my two kids 4 and 2 have had to bear the grunt of it, as well as my husband. People around me walk on egg shells. I am emotionally exhausted and most days I want to give up, but these two kiddos always making me know that I am a good mom, and that they need/want me. So everyday I wake up and try to be a better mom/person.