“You’re actually nice!” People seem to think saying this to me is a compliment. What they really mean is, “Your face and demeanor lead me to believe you are a colossal bitchy ice queen who will eat my children in their sleep, but it turns out, you’re not actually a monster!”
I’ve been hearing this refrain since I was a child.
I had Resting Bitch Face (RBF) as a fetus.
I’m positive upon delivery, the OB turned to my mother and said, “Wow, she’s actually nice. Not at all like her ultrasound implied.”
Even some of my best friends admit to me they found me scary at first. I can’t help it, people, this is my face. If I don’t like you, you will know, trust me.
While RBF is nothing new to me, a lot of mothers find they are suddenly afflicted with this condition. I might have been the only five-year-old on the playground who was inadvertently glaring, but I’m absolutely not the only thirty-five-year old doing so.
So what causes this RBF epidemic amongst mothers? I have some theories.
We smell phantom poop
When your kids are in diapers, you are on constant poop alert. You will unabashedly pick up a human being and smell their ass, that’s just normal in your world. But us mature mothers know that never really goes away, even when our kids are past the toilet-training stage. We catch whiffs whether it’s there or not.
That RBF? Sometimes it’s us trying to gauge the direction of poop-essence.
We can’t even with what our kid is doing right now
Somewhere, across the playground or school lot, our kid is being an asshole. This face is us trying to decide whether to go over there and deal with that asshattery or pretend we don’t know who that little jerkface belongs to.
We just remembered the washer was done – three days ago
Crap. What’s the over-under on that being good for the dryer, or needing to be washed again? Why are people looking at me like I kicked their puppy?
We haven’t slept in a week and we have just given up
These moms know their face is doing that, they just don’t have the energy to do anything about it. Go ahead, tell them to smile. I dare you.
We made that face too much as kids and it stayed that way
Our mothers were right! At least that’s what you should tell your kids when they point out how mean your face looks all the time.
We are running down our mental list of everything we need to do today
This probably includes school orders for something which means it includes math. Be nice to these moms. Book order math is harder than calculus.
We are overwhelmed
Period. Motherhood is exhausting and isolating, and sometimes it shows on our faces.
We forgot what we were going to say
It’s right there, on the tip of my tongue. Nope, it’s gone. Wait! – Nope. What were we talking about again?
Our coffee order got messed up
We need this to exist as functioning members of society. Nothing works without coffee. Not even our faces.
We just don’t care what people think anymore
The expression our face is making is low on our list of worries and priorities. We don’t dress up, we don’t do elaborate make-up, and we don’t emote. Deal with it, society – and people at school pick-up.
So ladies, wear that Resting Bitch Face proudly. You have earned it. You can come join our circle of actually nice women who are super fun despite what our faces say. We can sit around, drink coffee, and scowl at each other.