A Show About “Goop” Is Soon To Appear On Netflix, & We Need To Know: Why Is Gwyneth So Obsessed With Vag?

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So no one told me life was gonna be this way; Netflix finally bumped Friends from their roster at the beginning of this year. While the loss devastated many, the consolation is that Netflix cyclically adds crops of cool movies, shows, & documentaries. 

And Netflix sure does loves a good teaser, too. They even have a Twitter account specifically devoted to revealing their upcoming releases, aptly named: @seewhatsnext.

They tweeted an ad featuring the debut of a new show yesterday, and after my eyes took this one in, I don’t want to ever “see what’s next” on Netflix. Ever Again.

Gwyneth Paltrow invited cameras into the world of Goop, & Netflix is releasing the 6-episode miniseries on January 24. The ad features Paltrow smiling perkily inside a vagina, beckoning you to “reach new depths”.

I don’t know about you, but Gwyneth looks pretty DEEP on in there already, and I don’t want to reach those kinds of depths with her. Period.

(Speaking of periods, that sure would’ve altered this creepily cute little photo shoot, wouldn’t it? Less “pretty in pink”, more “Steven King’s Cervix Circus”.)

For those of you who aren’t aware of Goop, it’s the brainchild brand of Gwyneth Paltrow, touted as “a modern lifestyle brand”.

Her website offers a plethora of beauty tips, household organizing hacks, recipe and diet plans, and even a holiday gift guide (a kid’s “playsuit” pajama set for $122? For $122, it better put the kids to sleep FOR me, Gwyneth.)

But one thing that Gwyneth loves to dish advice out on is: THE VAG.

Remember her jade egg recommendations? She advocated for women to insert an egg-shaped stone (preferably jade, although her website also offered rose quartz for “love”) into their hoo-hahs for various periods of time, sometimes even overnight, in order to:

increase vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.

Nothing more feminine than hauling a hefty stone egg around in your vagina, right? And if jade eggs could really restore your hormone balance, then I’d be popping a dozen of them up on in there, because PMS.

Although her jade eggs claims were later refuted by actual SCIENCE, Paltrow had another hot, steamy alternative for your vajajay… no, literally. It’s a hot vaginal steam to “cleanse” your vagina.

The premise: you sit or squat over a bowl of steaming hot water that is infused with herbs such as rosemary, basil, mugwort and wormwood, and the steamy concoction “cleanses” your vagina.

(I profess total ignorance when it comes to the herbs mugwort and wormwood, but they sound more like dug-up roots that Harry Potter would mix into a spell to avoid homework than something I would willingly expose my vajajay to.)

Goop’s claim was that vaginal steaming:

improved fertility and sexual pleasure

…unless things got a little TOO steamy, and you ended up with second degree burns on your VULVA and VAGINA… which has really happened to numerous women. 

And there’s nothing less sexually pleasurable than a painful yoni burn, so just.say.NO.

But thanks to Netflix, the Goop Lab, long-shrouded in mystery, is now inviting you into their inner sanctum.

Enter the Goop Lab(ia?) at your own risk.

According to the video trailer, the miniseries tackles a variety of topics, including self-pleasure, psychics, anti-aging, cold therapy, and many more. As one of the lab staff mentions, their team goal agenda is:

What we try to do is explore ideas that seem a little too “out there” or too scary.

Ok, fair enough. But this pic is less “out there”, & way more “IN there”.

But what people on Twitter really want to know is: WHY is Gwyneth in a vagina?? And why is Netflix promoting a show with such questionable methods?

 

Sort of like the Easter Bunny, leaving magic (jade) eggs in every vagina. And in appropriate pastel color, too.

Same, SarahCA. SAME.

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was cancelled, but this show just might have plenty of mystery “science”, so there’s that.

I know, I know. Now we can’t UNSEE it.

And we suspect that you are 100% correct, Josh.

Thanks for Goop, we all know what’s the box, Brad. It’s a jade egg. Or Gwyneth. Or Gwyneth as an egg. I don’t even know anymore…

This would be a way more accurate depiction of an egg. And it’s slightly less creepy, slightly more funny. 

 

Just WHO was responsible for this monstrosity of a poster? Oh- yes. That makes sense.

And do it CONSCIOUSLY. 

While there are undoubtedly fans of Goop out there, the majority has spoken: they’re not feeling the promotional poster OR Gwyneth’s miniseries being offered on Netflix.

Let’s steam Gwyneth up on out of there, because while Goop might be a successful lifestyle brand in other areas, no one wants to see Paltrow’s “vagina Goop”. No. Just no.

 

 

 

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