Goop Just Unveiled Its Kids’ Holiday Gift Guide And We Have Questions

4088, the lifestyle and wellness website founded by actress Gwyneth Paltrow, is often known for it’s somewhat bizarre tendencies that occasionally venture into the absurd.

Whether it’s publishing a recipe for their “sex bark” -yes, that IS a thing, apparently- or gushing about the latest affordable yacht rental service, we can count on to both amuse and confound us.


Goop’s holiday gift suggestion catalog is now on the website, & we thank them for their gift of unintentional humor… that just

Their Under-18 Set Gift Guide features a wide variety of items that Goop recommends as potential holiday gift items for kids. While some of the gifts are actually pretty cool like the little feminist board book set, some of them are… well… you’ll see.

Garden Salad Kit, $25

I’m guessing there’s no ranch dressing allowed up in here

Photo Credit: (Hape Toys)

Kids love to play with toy cooking/food sets, and I’m all for promoting healthy eating. So a salad set seems actually quite reasonable. But maybe it’s the product tagline that made me skeptical:

Tea parties are great; salad soirées are better.

Now granted, some kids don’t like tea, but I’m willing to bet there aren’t many kids out there that are psyched to have a salad party, you know? Oh, sorry- not “party”; I meant soirée. Because we’re getting all fancy-like with this toy salad set.

With separate play bottles of oil and vinegar to mix your own imaginary organic dressing with, I’m guessing there’s no ranch dressing allowed up in here, imaginary or otherwise.

Kane Kids Backpack, $70

Mom will be busy working her second job to pay for your backpack, kids.

Photo Credit: (STATE bags)

If your kids are anything like mine, then they love having bags to jam all of their random collectibles into. This is a cute bag, too, so I can see the visual appeal. Here’s what I CAN’T see: paying $70 for a backpack.

And I’m not even talking that “It’s the day before the first day of school & backpack prices are jacked but I’m desperate” sort of purchase. Goop’s tagline for this cute but weirdly overpriced bag:

Because you’ll always have their back.

No I won’t… financially, anyway. Mom will be busy working her second job to pay for your backpack, kids. But at least there’s a “whimsical map of Brooklyn” printed on the inner lining.

Cotton-Cashmere Baby Socks 6 Pair Bundle, $50

Reminder:  The dollar store sells baby socks.

Photo Caption: (Etiquette Clothiers)

Baby socks should be soft & fluffy, so cashmere is of course an appealing option for baby sock gift items… in theory. But as the mom of six who has gone through many a pair of baby socks, this sweet, innocent cashmere will never be the same.

One accidental dip of a cashmere-socked baby foot into a diaper full of neon yellow breastfed-baby poop, and you’ll wish you’d spent the fifty bucks on better wipes to get that s%* off.

Goop Exclusive Kids’ Playsuit, $122

For $122, this playsuit better put my kids to bed for me, too.

Photo Credit: (goop x Oso & Me)

This is a kids’ playsuit, listed for $122. My kids have tons of playsuits, only we everyday folk call them pajamas. You know, pajamas- the clothes kids wear to bed. The clothes my kids play in are referred to as CLOTHES. Any clothes. All clothes. For $122, this playsuit better put my kids to bed for me, too.

Rainy Day Make Up Pouch Eyes, $275

It’s a makeup bag. Literally, a bag with nothing in it.

Photo Credit: (Anya Hindmarch)

And not a bag crammed full of cosmetic goodies, which might warrant the $275 price tag. It’s an empty makeup bag… with googly eyes. Why? I don’t get it, and I don’t think most kids would, either.  The description suggests that you fill it with:

 lip gloss, floss, deodorant, any nontoxic goodies or bite-sized giftables

OK – But, here’s the thing. We can’t afford the bag let alone any thing to fill it with.


Because you’ve always wanted to rest your weary back against wooden reindeer antlers

Photo Credit: EO company

While the description claims that this over-priced stool has “lean-on-them-cozy antlers” I don’t see any child sitting on this. I mean, we all know kids don’t SIT anyway. And, why are we leaving Bambi’s face totally out of the equation? Isn’t that the cutest part of the deer?


For your Royal Baby *eyeroll*

Photo Credit: NYC

I don’t know how to feel about this one because all my babies were just regular babies. You know the kind that didn’t wear crowns and pooped a lot. But, I guess a crown made from 100% Alpaca might have been what I needed to turn my regular baby into a royal baby.

Cuddle Bear, $49

“A particularly comfortable comfort item.”

Photo Credit: and Angels

While to me it looks like a low budget teddy bear that got flattened like a pancake when your toddler threw it out of the stroller in a fit of rage, according to Goop, this teddy bear is “next level cuddly”. Only hand washable – for a mere $49 it won’t be a big deal to replace when your kid upchucks all over that hypoallergenic sheepskin or loses it in an epic meltdown in Target.

If these under 18 gifts don’t fit everyone on your list, make sure to check out the other Goop Gift Guides for 2018. There is literally something there for everyone. And something there for everyone to wonder about.

Because, if nothing else, Goop gives the gift of entertaining us. And for that we’ll be forever grateful.


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