I’m always warning my kids all the ways I’m going to pay them back when I’m old and it’s their turn to take care of me. It’s going to be sweet, sweet, sweet revenge. Sometimes when it’s a really rough day and I’m at my wit’s end I start dreaming up new ways to torment my children in the future.
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Here are some of the wonderful ways I plan to seek revenge on my kids in my old age.
I’ll Trash The Car
When I ride in their car I’m going to leave all my trash including every possible crumb and sliver of wrapping. While I’m at it I’ll make sure I eat a zillion packs of those damn little fruit snacks in the back seat of their car and “drop” several of them on their leather seats and leave it there for them to find melted into their seats days or weeks later.
Invade their Privacy in the Bathroom
I will be sure to holler for their assistance every time they step away to use the bathroom. As soon as they step away will be the most opportune time for me to desperately need something from them or to show them something that is so awesome I totally cannot wait until they finish their business in the bathroom.
Because asking for help to open a Snickers bar while they’re taking a shit is something totally sanitary, right, because apparently, kids think it’s totally an acceptable thing to do.
I Will Never Sleep
Because my children never like to go to bed, I’ll be sure to stay up and annoy them, giving them not even a few moments of peace at the end of the night from my constant chatter.
Because I will forget things easily I will be sure to tell them the same story a million times. As their mother, I really won’t understand why they wouldn’t want my company 24/7 anyway so I’ll be sure to keep them company all. night. long. I’ll get out of bed 52 times while staying over, and make sure to ask for something ridiculous every time.
What could they possibly need any time to themselves or with their significant other for anyway? Maybe I’ll even stand outside their door, waiting for the most opportune time for them to get frisky with their significant other and wander in to plop myself down right in between the two of them for a midnight chat.
I Will Refuse to Clean Up
When visiting, I’m going to leave plates and cups hiding in weird places so they can discover my “science” experiments all over their house. I’ll leave age-old milk behind the toilet seat because doesn’t everyone have a cup of milk while taking their morning dump?
Change Outfits Several Times a Day
I’ll be sure to change my clothes at least five times a day, leaving everything in the dirty clothes. Even though I’m going to appear to be completely helpless and dependent on them I will, however, find a way to continue with my wardrobe changes hourly. I’ll make sure to leave the underwear in the crotch of my pants for good measure, too.
I Will Embarrass Them
I will be sure to not only pass gas in public but announce to them very loudly when we’re standing in line to check out somewhere that I just farted. I’ll make sure to accentuate the word fart loudly, too. If they won’t let me get what I want their two-year-old tantrum will seem tame compared to my old lady meltdown in the middle of Walmart.
Make Them Worry
When I do finally escape their company and venture out on my own for my weekly bingo night with my fellow old lady friends, I’m going to be sure to stay out late and cause them to worry. When I walk in past their preferred curfew I’ll act annoyed, roll my eyes, and slam my door.
The truth is, I’m still brainstorming all the ways to exact revenge on my children. As they’re shaking their heads, not sure what to do with their snarky, stubborn mother I’ll be quietly snickering, “Karma’s a bitch, kids.”