I have a hidden talent. No, I can’t juggle, or sing, or do anything useful really, but I am spectacularly good at one thing.
I can ruin my tween’s life in a whole mosaic of ways, and apparently I can do it daily.
If you would like to know how you too can ruin your tween’s life without any effort at all, please, sit down and enjoy my seminar. We’ll start with some basic suggestions.
Wake them up for school
You don’t even have to be a jerk about it. Just say, “Wake up, time for school!” and life is ruined. You will know it’s working because of the growling.
Say good morning to them
Again, the growling.
Ask them to do a chore they do every day
What? Unload the dishwasher like they are asked to do every morning and get paid to do? What is this injustice? Why are you springing this on them like this?
How were they supposed to know the dishwasher that needs to be unloaded every day and has been their job for the past two years needed to be unloaded?
Tell them to put on a jacket
It’s forty below, but yeah, they’re right, they are totally fine in that hoodie. Don’t worry, if you choose not to ruin their day by telling them to put on a coat, they will be cold and blame you for not reminding them to wear a coat.
Life ruined either way.
Refuse to take them to the store at 8 p.m.
They have just realized they have enough money for the BeyBlade they saw online, and there’s a store 20 minutes away that sells it, so they have to go immediately. What do you mean you’re not going to drop everything and rush to the store at almost bedtime? You’re the worst.
Pack them literally anything for lunch
It doesn’t matter what you pack, they won’t like it. I suggest including an apple. It will show their teachers you send healthy food, and one apple can go back and forth to school a few dozen times before you need to replace it.
Ask how their day was
It was fine. It’s always fine. Whether they come home laughing or crying, their day was fine, so back off.
Insist they acknowledge their sibling
They don’t even have to play with them, just confirm in some way that there is another child in this house and you’ll accept it. It’s easy to tell the moment you have ruined your tween’s life with this, because they will turn to the other child and yell, “What?!?”
Tell them you’re going out for dinner
This is a treat, right? Think again. It was not their idea, so you have ruined their life.
Take them to the park or don’t take them to the park
Both of these options will ruin their life.
Turn off the TV
It doesn’t matter if they have watched ten minutes or three hours of TV, turning off the TV is the most surefire way to ruin your tween’s life.
Make them change the shirt they have been wearing for three days straight
Hygiene be damned, you are ruining their life.
Listen to their sibling’s side of the story
There are not two sides to every story, and it doesn’t matter that their sibling’s toy is sitting on the floor in pieces while their sibling tells a perfectly logical account of what happened. Just take their word for it, no need to consult anyone else, geez.
Tell them you love them
Actually, this one doesn’t ruin their life. This one lets them know no matter how much you seemingly try to ruin their life, you always have their back, and you do it all for them.
If you enjoyed today’s seminar, please join me for our advanced class on how to make your tween hate you. Coming soon.