Remember the blissful days of rolling around in the sheets, getting all HOT & HEAVY with your partner? How about those delectable post-coital naps? If you’re a parent, chances are the answer is a resounding NO.
Once kids come into the picture, your SEX LIFE can often become a sex half-life. Finding the right time, energy, privacy and enthusiasm can be daunting; these parents from Twitter illustrate how the sex struggle is indeed real!
That postpartum “no sex for 6 weeks” rule applies to BOTH partners, guy.
Note to self: when your wife says there will be no sex for six weeks after the baby comes, "for you, maybe," is not an appropriate response.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 11, 2016
2. For new parents, sex can seem like a distant memory.
People think being a dad is just wearing cargo shorts and making lame jokes but you also got to have sex at least once and that was cool.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 26, 2016
3. But eventually that exciting, lustful urge returns.
Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013
4. Well… almost.
Married Sex: vague threat of sexual activity followed by one spouse falling asleep in a kid's bed and the other on the couch.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) December 23, 2015
5. Foreplay is still important, but… different now.
Be sure to keep the spark alive by texting him sexy little nothings like,
"We need to check the kids for lice" and "please buy tampons".
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 10, 2016
6. In fact, “trying something new” can take on a whole new meaning.
My wife and I decided to spice up our bedtime routine tonight so we're trying hot Cheetos instead of potato chips while we watch shows.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) December 22, 2016
7. “Toys” in the bedroom now mean, well, TOYS.
*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler's collection of trucks off the bed*
— Goats? (@Gooooats) July 23, 2015
8. Finding private time without kid interference can be challenging.
Sex is best when your kids aren't knocking on the bedroom door.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 15, 2015
9. You try to distract the kids with TV, which can be weird…for YOU.
the worst part of having sex after you have kids is the fact you hear kids TV theme tunes in your head the whole while.
— Lara Rix-Martin (@meemocomma) June 19, 2016
10. You forgo slow, sensual seduction for a “quickie”.
Having sex when you're a parent is like trying to shoot from half court with 3 seconds left on the clock.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) March 22, 2016
11. But sometimes, even a quickie ends TOO quickly. Because, kids.
Husband and I wrestled behind closed doors this morning. My daughter busted in and pounced on his back.
No one won the wrestling match. No one.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) May 26, 2018
12. So, you try a kid-free time of day; perhaps morning. Or not.
[WARNING: Do not try this at home]
*husband trying to nudge his wife awake for morning sex*
— Ash(es to ashes) (@adult_mom) June 3, 2017
13. Again- mornings after being up with kids all night? NOPE.
[married morning sex]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 24, 2018
14. If you’re hoping for some nookie once the kids are in bed, don’t count on it.
When you've finally put the kids to bed & you're about to have adult time but the "scared of the dark" kid pops in. pic.twitter.com/NzGJ0qf166
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 12, 2017
15. Want some good lovin’? Hire a sitter.
Having kids is fun. You have to hire a babysitter if you ever want to have sex again. But kids are fun.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 3, 2016
The bottom line? It can be tough to find the “right” time for sex once kids are in the picture, but anytime can be the right time… just kidding. Sleep first. Well, here’s to trying!
I HAVE ONE FOR YOU. THIS IS NO JOKE. WE HAVETWO BOYS, ABOUT TWO YEARS APART. I USED TO WORK THIRD SHIT, AND I MADE TWO MISTAKES ONE WEEKEND. SATURDAY EVENING I HAD MY OLDEST ON MY BACK, AND WAS ON MY HANDS, AND KNEES GIVING HIM “HORSEY” RIDES. FIRST MISTAKE. I GOT HOME SUNDAUY MORNING, MAMA IN HER COTTON GOWN, AND SHE WAS LOOKING GOOD. I CHECKED ON THE BOYS, BOTH ASLEEP. WE GO TO THE BACK BEDROOM FOR SOME US TIME, DID NOT LOCK THE DOOR. SECOND MISTAKE. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT SOMETHING HIT ME IN THE BACK, STARTED BOUNCING UP, AND DOWN, “RIDE HORSEY DADDY”!!! WE WERE COVERD UP, HE SAW NOTHING, BUT HE WAS NOT GETTING DOWN. I TOLD HIM THE HORSE HAS DIED, IT IS DEAD, IT IS OVER. HE KEPT ON, RIDE THE HORSE DADDY, RIDE HORSEY DADDY!!! MY WIFE SAID BIGH BIRD IS ON TV. HE TAKES OFF, BIG BIRD WAS HIS HERO. I GOT UP, LOCKED THE DOOR, MY WIFE SAID DO YOU, I SAID NO, IT IS OVER, BUT THE NEXT TIME I WILL LOCK THIS DAMN DOOR!!!!