7 Ways Facebook Makes Us Look Like Brainless Sea Monkeys


sea monkey

I love Facebook. I do. It keeps me connected to my family who I might not see or communicate with on a regular basis. I’m thankful that this massive social network has reunited me with old friends and given me the opportunity to grow my blog audience. It’s wonderful. Awesome. Just fantastic.

Enough of the hoorah. I swear to effing Neptune, Facebook is slowly turning us into a planet of bottom feeders.

Here are 7 ways Facebook makes us look like brainless sea monkeys:

God is Not a Facebook User

I recently wrote about how I grew up Cathotant. For those not familiar with the term, I was once half Protestant and half Catholic. Because of my roots, I have deep respect for most religions. But I’m telling you right now, no matter who your god is he is NOT talking to you on Facebook. He doesn’t give a flippin’ Mary if you like a post and will not sentence you to eternal damnation if you don’t share the meme of Jesus’s face appearing on a cookie.

All the Days of Facebook

I’m so sick and tired of seeing dirty laundry aired all over Facebook. Sandy did this. Sally did that. I don’t care if your BFFFFF hurt your feelings when she ditched you for Downton Abbey. And I certainly don’t want to know that Judy slept with Billy after getting trashed at Danny’s party. These are things that should be kept locked in your brain hole and out of the public eye. Facebook is the reason soap operas are becoming extinct.

Facebook Profiles = Economic Downturn

A recent article in TIME magazine had this to say:

People used to log onto Facebook to spy on old flames and check out new crushes. Now it seems like they are more interested in gazing at their own profiles—and that’s a problem. A new study published in the journal Media Psychology found that while looking at one’s profile for just five minutes helped boost self-esteem, the narcissistic exercise also led to a measurable dip in motivation.

Looking at yourself makes you a lazy, worthless bum. Enough said.

Ur Droppin’ Ur IQ 4 Sure

Shakespeare would shit a brick if he saw how butchered our communication has become and would most likely revolt against Facebook. Please, I’m begging you from the bottom of my small colon, stop writing in text lingo. It’s as annoying as Justin Bieber jokes; not to mention your IQ drops 5 points with every “ur” and “No probs” you type.

He’s Not a Gangsta’; He’s a Loser

I see so many women falling prey to dumbasses who project themselves as badasses or gangstas’ on Facebook. First, why the hell would you want to get into a relationship with a REAL badass? They are ASSHOLES. Now here’s the skinny on the imposters. Any dude that consistently refers to himself as a gangsta’ or badass OR claims he is living the ghetto life has identity issues. Proven psychology. Behind the Internet sits a skinny, weak moron in his Underoos, sucking his thumb, and living off of mama or dada. (Beware! He could be suffering from mental illness. Be smart and cautious about who you friend online and what you believe.)

Save Yourself from Selfies

No offense to anyone who likes to snap pictures of themselves, but 99.999% of the time the end result is a cross between a red-lipped batfish and a jackass. Save yourself from the selfies and just let someone else snap the pictures.

Failed Soap Boxes and Other Oopsie Facebook Stuff

Read the fine print. If you’re going to stand on a Facebook soap box, make sure you know the facts or understand the issues before you rant and rave. The other day I saw someone go off about some photos of a woman abducted by aliens. These photos were the almighty proof of life on other planets. No. These photos were from the 2009 movie The Fourth Kind. The poster was laughed right off of their little drama stage. Research like a trial lawyer before posting and eating crow.

Your turn! Do you think Facebook is causing us to de-evolve? How?


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