Already Bored While Stuck At Home? I’ll Bet Your Partner Has Something For That.

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There’s this unspoken rule about hotel rooms: anytime you stay at a hotel with your partner, sex just has to happen.

I’m personally excited about turning the air conditioner down as low as it will go, the giant bed, the lack of children, and the blackout curtains, but I know my husband is looking forward to one thing and one thing only: sex.

He probably can’t even tell you what the name of the actual hotel is, but he knows what our room number is and he is ready to swipe that card ifyouknowwhatimean.

Now, admittedly, this is my first pandemic, but I’m betting it’s going to come with the same excitement as hotels for my husband.

I can’t even calm him down when I have a cold (“Forget that vitamin C, you need some vitamin D!” wink wink), so now that we’re facing weeks at home with nowhere to go, I’m preparing myself, preparing you dear friends, for the onslaught of pelvic thrusts and eyebrow wiggles that await you from the doorway.

Sure, the kids are already screaming all day and every ounce of my energy is going into rationing snacks and Fortnite screen time. Sure, I’m stressed and worried about running out of toilet paper.

I’ve had a small pile of people on top of me for every moment that I’ve been awake. But when the days are for survivin’, the nights are for bumpin’ and grindin’ (according to my husband). 

I am bracing myself for the cheesy come-ons, too like:

You can’t spell “quarantine” without u-r-a-q-t, baby.

I bet I could last longer than your symptoms.

Got a cough? A sore shoulder? Why go to the doctor when you can play doctor at home? (more eyebrow wiggles)

And baby, with the gyms closed, we’ve go to find a way to get a good workout in. Get it? A workout? Talkin’ about sex.

Yes, this is what I’m bracing myself for. This is what you all should brace yourself for.

My husband is a provider and a hard worker, a kind and intelligent man with a sense of humor.

He’s a great father and a decent cook, but when we’re in close quarters he becomes a middle school boy, and I’m not expecting a pandemic to change that.

I watch The Walking Dead and sometimes wonder how on earth characters can find the time – or look past the grime – to have sex in the midst of an apocalypse. Really?

You’re scared for your life and eating dog food that you scrounged from an abandoned house, but you’re totally DTF right now?

How on earth is anyone able to peel their post-apocalyptic vest off in order to just go at it with chaos and fear all around them?

I guess we’re about to find out how sex during a pandemic looks. 

Heck, I may as well lean into it. With all of these survival supplies around us I’m sure we can scrounge up a few candles, make a romantic dinner of nonperishable pantry staples, and find a few uses for those masks we bought in bulk.

We’re not likely to get time together like this ever again, so why not enjoy ourselves?

In the midst of economic ripples and grim news stories, dwindling toilet paper and complete social isolation, I’d probably be game to have a little fun with my partner. I may even track down a post-apocalyptic vest.

Stay healthy, have fun, make good choices, and for heaven’s sake, don’t forget to lock the door and use protection. 

That is unless you’re totally OK with a pandemic baby coming along in a few months. 

So be safe out there, friends.

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