Ladies, Take Off Your Big Girl Panties And Have More Sex With Your Husband

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I remember the first time I read The Five Love Languages, I thought to myself, “Seriously, all men are the love language – touch. Why am I wasting my time reading this?”

I stand by that statement. Sure, it was insightful for my own love language, but for my husband? Not so much.

I understand that he may have “other” love languages. Let’s be real; however, for all heterosexual men, sex is their primary love language.

Yes, your man may want positive words of affirmation. Yes, your man may want you to hug and kiss him more, but at the end of the day, what he really wants is sex. For an exhausted wife, sex is hard, no pun intended.

Your husband may love it when you rub his back, but he wants it to lead to sex.

Your husband may love it when you cuddle, but he loves cuddles best when they come after sex.

Not every time, but most of the time, he wants these things to lead to sex.

Men have a natural instinct, and that instinct is sex.

This does not mean that they cannot be sensitive. On the contrary, my husband is compassionate and wonderful about sex.

He does not pressure me to have sex at all. He understands my exhaustion. He never pushes sex when he knows I am not feeling it. This does not change the fact that I know he wants it.

Men release stress through sex.

Men connect with you, emotionally and physically, through sex.

Men feel wanted and appreciated through sex.

I know that I, and probably you, can do better about having sex with our husbands.

I know you are exhausted. I am too.

I know those little people you call your children have been pulling at you all day.

I know those children have been asking you a million questions, and you are mentally drained.

I know that if you are overwhelmed with breastfeeding, the last thing you want is to be touched again by someone else.

I know you hit the bed mentally and physically unable to process or do one more thing.

There’s the rub, again, no pun intended.

Women need to be mentally and physically ready to have sex. When our mind isn’t there, we physically don’t get there either.

Men, on the other hand, are ready to go physically, no matter what else they have mentally going on. I realize I am not speaking about all men. Still, if I was at the betting table in Vegas, I’d bet the majority are usually ready for lift-off.

So, that leaves women with a problem. What do we do?

I will tell you what I have done, and that is, I just take off my big girl panties and have sex with my husband. I need to do this more, not less.

Sometimes, I am not 100% into it, but I never regret doing it. EVER.

I may not have an orgasm, but I never regret doing it. EVER.

Even if, after we finished having sex, my mind races back to my to-do-list.

But, I am always happy I had sex with my husband.

I am happy we connected. I am so glad we remembered how we made these babies. I am delighted that he still wants me.

That is so vital, ladies. Your husband wants you, and that is fantastic. So even if you don’t want sex, you should still want your husband.

I know that I am lucky because my husband is patient, kind, and never pressures me for sex. Men, if you are reading this, do this, and your wife will have more sex with you.

No woman wants to have sex because she feels obligated, but all women want to have sex when they know they are wanted.

Yes, sometimes I am not there mentally as I am having sex with my husband, but inside I am thrilled that this man still wants me. We all want to feel wanted, it is human nature.

Ladies, have sex with your husband, even if you are not one hundred percent there mentally.

Even if you are exhausted, have sex with your husband. I promise you, when it is over, you will be happy you did it.

72 COMMENTS

  1. I have done this. Many times. I know this is his main love language. And it’s not one of mine. But many times afterwards I don’t feel good, mentally. And quite a few times I have regretted it. It’s prob cuz he’s a ‘minute man’. Right?

  2. Who wrote this? Your hot take is “Women need to have sex with their husbands even if they’re exhausted and touched out and don’t want it”??? What kind of man even wants to have sex with someone that isn’t into it? You could have written an article about other ways to be intimate with your partner or how to support them emotionally or physically so that they aren’t so exhausted at the end of the day but no, you really went with “men only want one thing from you so just give it to him even if it isn’t personally fulfilling.” Yikes.

    • I’m 66 years old, married for the 3rd. time. I know from first hand experience that if your man isn’t getting sex at home, he’ll go elsewhere. I don’t care if he loves you more than life it’s self, is a newlywed, a preacher etc. if he’s not getting it at home, he’ll get it elsewhere. This includes oral sex. I’m telling you, there are women who get no better satisfaction than taking a man from another woman. I’ve been with this husband 30 yrs. and I rock his freaking world every time he reaches for me.

      • This is the most pathetic response ever. A REAL man does not cheat and hurt the woman he treasures. I am sorry you have had a rough go at life, however there are truly genuine men that are honest and faithful.

      • I agree with Janice!!! Stop keeping score of who does what, when…. and just freaking ROCK HIS WORLD. Do yourselves a favor, we’d the garden and be thankful for the love you have in your life.

    • Seriously. This entire article reads like The Transformed Wife. Do what your husband says and give him sex on demand. That is all you are good for and all that you are worth. What absolute trash, and a horrible way to reduce women down to sex dolls.

    • Why do you feel that way? Men/Husbands get get exhausted and work hard just like women/wives do. But yet he’s still reaching for you to make that connection. It’s more than physical. That is how he connects with you emotionally. It’s not all physical.

  3. See, I try to have sex with my husband, even when I’m not into it, and he won’t want to unless I’m like begging for it. There’s no way in hell I’ll be desperately wanting sex as often as he wants me to, and that’s a constant issue in our marriage. Not even not having sex is the issue. We have sex. I’m just not always 100% into it because I’m exhausted, or my mind is racing with things I need to do, it whatever else is going on, and it upsets him, a LOT. Anyone else have a very emotionally needy husband that won’t do it unless you’re 100% into it?

    • I’m that way. I would rather wait or not at all. You can’t be tired for 3 straight weeks. It’s like it’s a choice and you didn’t choose your husband.

    • Mine won’t unless IAM ? into it. They only way I get around this is we have an arrangement he can have all the morning sex he wants as long as I get mine when I want it. And it works for us.

  4. WTF? The entire premise of this article is “do things you may not want to do to make your man happy”.

    How about he has less sex to make his woman happy?

    Why are we prioritising the man’s wants and needs over the woman’s?

    • Well reading this at first I was thinking yes… Appreciate and Nurture your relationship always. Bet thankful that your husband wants to be with you and desires you… BUT, then I was thinking hmmmmm…. that is a little bit subservient. I mean you don’t want to be a Stepford Wife or think about our society heading towards that of which is witnessed in Handmaids Tale…
      It should be mutual advantageous. So with that thought do you always wait for both parties to be in the mood or is there give and take because of the love you share? At what point do we compromise our personal feelings and just say we love each other like we did on the day we said “I do” let’s get through this together through thick and thin not sweating the day to day realizing the big picture is at the end of the day we will sleep in each other’s arms. Sometimes that just needs to be enough!!!

      • I didn’t get the impression from the article that she as to have sex every night to please her husband , or she can not be so tired or exhausted and say no and I am sure there are day they just relax in each other arms as you mentioned and yes go to sleep. This writer was forcing on one important aspect that men are more sexually minded . Seems to me, she sounds like she as a well balanced view and she is right, so often when you are just not that into it you will be happy you made the effort for him and you !

    • I think it’s less about prioritizing their needs over ours and more realizing that sex is a need that is just as valid as love and affection.

      I have a wonderful man. He does so much for me and I am eternally grateful to him. His sdx drive is higher than mine. Sometimes I’ll realize he’s done so much during the week, never asks for anything, but I can tell he’s starting to get distant. Maybe, on edge? It’s then I realize he needs sex but HE doesnt realize he needs sex. He won’t ask for it because he doesn’t want to pressure me, and I’m not in the mood nearly as often. So I should just make him suck up his need for physical and emotional need through sex because “i don’t wanna?” I don’t wanna vacuum my house either but I fucking do it. I remind myself it’s not about a dick in a vagina; It’s about intimacy and connection and feeling like a teenager and touched and smells and sounds and feeling so passionately female. I feel connected after (not to mention the orgasms) and he’s a very happy man. How is that so hard?

    • I think that many women are taking this completely out of context. It is fact that most of us married women do not get in the mood unless we are sexually aroused and that it usually requires foreplay. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to be ready to go with or without foreplay. I will agree that I don’t typically get in the mood until we foreplay. However, once I do get into it, I don’t regret it. Men are also sensitive and they see it as a form of rejection when you are not interested in pleasing them. I know that the more sex that I have with my husband, the happier he is and that in turn, comes back to me in the form of doing loving things for me such as completing extra chores (more than I do), gifts, and spending extra time with our kids to give me a break.

  5. This isn’t so much about women bending over backwards to please their husbands. There has to be a little give and take. Men who are patient and understanding, compassionate and supportive SHOULD be rewarded. You know, just like women who work hard at whatever it is they choose to do, whether that be parenting or working or both. The whole point of this article was compromise. Women should not ever be the sex dictator, just like men shouldn’t either. We do things for our partner out of love, not servitude, and I think that what the author was trying to communicate but all you psycho femi-nazis see is another woman serving a man. Piss off

  6. I never understood this. Until my love language turned to physical touch, my marriage fell apart and I hadn’t been held in 6 months.
    When someone doesn’t want you physically, and that is your love language, you feel very undesirable, your self-esteem fades etc.
    blah blah right ? Ok so we can all agree, list can override logic? Why some of the smartest men and women you know do something so unbelievably idiotic and out of character over lust, affairs etc…
    I am just saying, there are women and men out there that prey on the weak. It’s like they can smell their desperation or pent up sexual frustration. And they know what to say and they know what to do and we are human think with our %^%*.
    Now I am not saying if you don’t “put out” it gives your spouse a “get into someone else’s %*%* card” …NO.
    What I am trying to say is getting turned down incessantly for sex, what makes you feel loved, is essentially rejection.
    Enter the vulcher (circling their prey, ruffling the man’s feathers and saying all the right things)
    To summarize my rant, I agree with this. We are tired. But take your love language and imagine someone rejecting you over and over and over and then re evaluate

  7. I actually really appreciate how much I can relate to this article. I absolutely love and adore my husband. He is my best friend, my steady rock, and the only male constant I’ve ever known other than God. But often, I’m not in the mood because I’m 500 different places mentally. It has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. But it hurts his feelings and his pride when I reject his need for sex and love. I hurt his manhood (which is equally important as my womanhood) when I reject him. So sometimes, I choose him instead of me. Sometimes, I choose to love my husband outwardly and address his needs instead of my own. Marriage, partnership, union includes sacrifice of self. Because you chose him. And he chose you. You chose to love each other, through GOOD and BAD. Sickness and health. For better or for worse. And yano, I choose me sometimes too. Some days, it’s just a no. But I’m striving to put him first for all of my days, because he works so hard to put me first every day in so many ways. We deserve to want each other, and be wanted by one another. It uplifts my womanhood and it uplifts his manhood (literally ?). I’ll hop off my soapbox now ?

  8. Seriously??? Who wrote this???? The “all” language is disgusting. “All heterosexual men” “all women”???!!! Dude. Ew. “I don’t always have an orgasm” the writer of this article isn’t “lucky”… her husband is a shitty sexual partner. He doesn’t make sure she finishes??? She says a few times how her husband is so great, he’s so patient, and doesn’t pressure her for sex. WAKE UP LADY. That is literally the bare minimum a partner could do. That should be the standard. Never have sex you don’t want. Never apologize for not wanting sex. And hello, not “all heterosexual men” have a high sex drive (wtf does sexuality even have to do with this???). I really hate that this isn’t coppied from a 1950s book and is actually an article written in 2020. MEREDITH WHERE ARE YOU???? YOU PUT GARBAGE LIKE THIS ON YOUR WEBSITE??? Get the author some therapy STAT. I expected everyone to go a little nutty with quarantine but, sheesh, I really thought the whole “have sex even if you don’t want it (even if you don’t finish) just to keep your man” mentality was long gone. Gross. Gross. Gross.

    • She actually prefaced her “no orgasm” comment with the fact that she can’t really get there when her mind is in a million other places. That’s the case for many women. She never said that he doesn’t try.
      Secondly, if his primary love language were ‘words of affirmation’ or ‘acts of service’ and you were too tired or too busy to do those things, or you felt that it shouldn’t be done because it isn’t important to you in the moment, then you probably shouldn’t be married.
      Marriage takes work if you want it to last, so if you have an issue with loving your partner in a way that makes them feel loved, or if you think your needs and feelings should always come first, don’t get married…it won’t be pretty.

  9. This is a terrible article. Not all men have sex on the brain 24/7, and not all women are too exhausted to have sex frequently. And if either partner is too tired, or simply doesn’t want to, that IS OKAY. “All women want to have sex when they know they are wanted” that’s simply wrong. It doesn’t matter how much i’m wanted, if i’m tired or not into it that IS OK. Trying to shame women into having sex with their husband, no matter how they feel, IS NOT OKAY.

  10. Don’t ever try to tell me what to do with my body or wife shame me for not letting my husband have me when he wants to but I don’t. What a great way to make sex another obe of my chores.

  11. Some women have problems with depression or history of sexual abuse. There are other conditions and issues, but I will stop there just for an example. I am one of those women that has some issues. When I really do not want to physically or mentally it is not going to happen. If I ( gave in) because he was pushing then I would build resentment. That would not be good for my marriage or for me. I think you need to address the state of mind… not everyone can just ( do it)

  12. Honestly…. this disgusted me. I’m in a sexless marriage. I hate it because I want sex and it’s not because of me… but because my hubby has Asperger’s and this is not his thing. (Part of his mask that came off after we were married). I feel this article is seriously judgemental. Just wow!!!

  13. What the actual f*ck. No. Just NO. There are sooo many other ways to be intimate, to show love and desire – To let each other know that you are still in love with your respective partner(s). Communication is key! Whoever wrote this needs to stfu because what she has said is just horrible advice.

  14. The writer of this article is clueless. They are assuming all men want sex all the time. There are situations where the man doesn’t want it at all. This article just proves there is a stigma about sex. That is men always want it and women don’t. My husband and I are going through a tough period in our relationship right now. He has no interest in it at all and Im left feeling unwanted by him. We are currently working on the situation and talking. But this thought that men want it all the time and women need to give it always is just hurting things.

  15. im with it… and agree with this. For all the cray babies here..omg your giving i to what you man wants… boo hoooo, well YES…. if hes your husband and you committed the rest of your lives together, then you have to know compromises will come… hes your husband for GOD sake, not some ax murderer. THANK YOU for writing this! my husband has been more than patient and weve gone months without because he’s committed to our love no matter what, and the big girl panties do need to come off!

  16. This is true for me. I very rarely want sex anymore because of a combination of issues, including but not limited to poor self image after a large weight gain, low libido side effects of medications I take, exhaustion from being a mom of toddlers and the fact that no sex drive is one of the biggest symptoms of my depression. Most of the time I don’t feel like having sex when I do it, BUT if I were to wait til I felt like it my poor husband wouldn’t ever get it. No, he doesn’t push for it but I still know he desires it and desires me, and I know that if I can just get my self to the act of it, I will enjoy myself, I will feel connected to him and usually it will help with several of my symptoms that cause me to not want it. So ya I need to remember to have more sex with my hubby. No not every woman needs to remember that and not every husband will fit that mold either. But some of us do.

  17. I agree with Christine… Im a women that can live with never having sex, so for me, having sex with my husband when when I’m not intonation a regular thing… and that is worse! My husband love me and I know that he wants me. I love him and want him in my life, but I just don’t EVER want to have sex. He tells me that it feels like he is raping me when I just “give in” and it makes him feel horrible. So no, don’t just take your big girl panties off and have sex. That could be the worse thing for your marriage.

  18. What happens when the rolls are reversed? My husband has lost nearly all his sex drive. He won’t just have sex with him if he isn’t into it because he physically can’t!
    I want my husband. I still find him desirable and I now feel horrible about myself for the amount of rejection I have experienced!

  19. I love sex more than my husband and ha e a much higher sex drive than him. I release stress through sex. This article is ridiculous and based on gender stereotypes. I am not at all like this and would have sex 3 times a day. Whereas my husband would be happy with that much per week.
    What a load of crap. Everyone’s sex drives are different. It’s not a gendered issue.

  20. This is a great article and something I didn’t fully realize until I was almost 50. You don’t always have to be the special little princess that they tiptoe around. Sometimes, just have sex…. for them…. as an act of love….. because it’s important….. because it makes them feel loved…. because it’s a partnership …… just because THEY are important, too. It’s no just about you. If they gotta be thoughtful of your needs, occasionally, you should think about theirs.

  21. No, this isn’t it, and I hope you don’t and never have any children because this is toxic to teach both boys and girls. If I could only knock your head in, I gladly would.

  22. I feel like the misogynist who wrote this is a student of The Transformed Wife. Basically, your husband wants a sex doll. Get him a fleshlight and go to bed ?

  23. This extractos how I feel . All my husband wants is sex. All needs to lead up to sex.
    Even when am exhausted, not feeling it, mentally drained and my body is hurting all over. That does not stop him. And if it dies am left feeling guilty. And all you wrote replays over and over. I need to and must have sex because that’s what he needs.
    See here’s the problem. Most time I feel resentful towards my husband because of it.
    The words of my mother just like yours replay over and over.. to keep your man you need to have Sex when he wants it as much as he wants it.
    Why should it be this way? Maybe if men would be more aware of us . And seduces us outside the bedroom .. like cook , clean , take care of the kids, you know take some pressure off our daily lives, even if once in a while.. And just not be ok with “doing it” while we lay there half dead..we would be willing to have sex all the time. And enjoy it!

  24. I agree 100%, woman too often use sex as a bargaining chip or find any excuse in the book to avoid it unless it’s on their terms, which is bull shit. Sex and intimacy is healthy, and if you’re so wrapped up in your duties and own self, you withhold a time for bonding and connection with your partner, than that is simply neglectful and cruel. It’s true men are sexually driven but that isn’t bad, it’s better that they focus that energy on you than bottle it up or divert it to someone or something else… and if you’re not enjoying it, you’re doing something wrong, perhaps you should focus more on that than making this article about putting a man’s needs before your own, that’s not at all what they are saying.

  25. So…I think I’m the only “dude” to actually comment here, but…I may have an interesting, albeit unpopular perspective. Speaking collectively for “good guys” everywhere (read: the supportive husbands who share in the burden of the daily grind that is parent and adulthood) there does appear to be a disconnect between the emotional/physical output coming from men that’s not reciprocated by our partners (wives). The author, while correct in her assessment of sex being a “release” for men is presented as a one-way “do your duty, stand by your man” street- and I can tell you, that this guy (and my male associates) are looking less for a release and more of a connection. Its the one thing we agreed to do together (in traditional, non-open marriage of course) and lacking that, well…we start to feel like awkward room-mates or strange co-workers who only drunkenly hook up at the office Christmas party. Any guy with a conscience is not going to be happy having sex with a disinterested partner – with that said, I think the real crux of the article should be “Ladies, have an honest and open conversation with your husband about sex”. From my personal experience, I know my wife is often “touched out” at the end of the day after caring for all of our kids – baring that knowledge, I read any of my soft caresses or gentle loving touches as rejection of all forms of physical intimacy (not just sex). Again, speaking for the guys…this does cause a negative feedback loop where we just stop trying…and if you’re not trying to being with it just leads to resentment and bed-death. By all measures, we could be doing everything right (i.e. cooking, cleaning, helping with the kids, offering massages, etc)…but, we’re being shut out from physical intimacy…its a little disheartening. By no means would I ever suggest that my wife “owes me sex” but…an explanation or a “here’s the problem” goes a long way. As many women have mentioned on this thread, sex is all to often used as a bargaining chip – and lord knows I’ve done my share of bargaining…but, ultimately, all we want is a mutual “release” – give us a path or discussion towards that, and we’ll be happy. Just a perspective for a guy…please be gentle 🙂

  26. I was giving my husband sex whenever he wanted it even if I didn’t and guess what – he still went out and had sex with someone else. So sorry, fuck doing it even if you don’t want to.

  27. Sex is amazing, but people forget sex is a Bonus part of a relationship, you won’t die without sex, and its always so much better when you both are into it

  28. All you women out there who think what the writer wrote is disgusting, what kind of a man wants to do this, then let me tell you, you really don’t know men as well as she does. She said that she is isn’t there mentally but her man doesn’t need to know it. Just let him think you’re involved in it. We as men instinctively want to have sex all the time which is rooted into our DNA and if you try to change it or our perspective we would say or be ok with it but internally that’s not case and your relationship would game on a thread.

    P.S. – just a man’s perspective who’s honest mean no harm and apologise if I hurt people’s feelings

  29. Having sex when your not into creates a negative emotion attached to sex and is not healthy. Overtime you with find that you have a hard time finishing even when you are into because you have forced yourself to have sex when you didn not want to. Very bad for the psyche…

  30. I thought this was actually going to be a helpful article, all i got out of this was even if i dont want to, i need to bc i am lucky he still wants me.. well damn.

  31. I’m a man and I’m sick and tied of women who think they can speak on the behalf of a man or in some cases proporting to be speaking in the behalf of all men. You can’t, you never can. Just like men cannot speak on the experiences of a woman and I can garrantee that if a bloke wrote an article like this, but claiming all women are frigid and don’t want sex, he would be shit down and rightly so. The gereralisations of this article combined with the assertion that women should effectively force themselves to have sex when they don’t want to is morally ignorant and repugnant. This article is terrible and I would love the writer to reconsider the validity of her position.

  32. In my case, my husband has gained a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight since we got married only 7 years ago. He just wants to lie there and me do it all. Sorry. Not sorry.

  33. I think the writer is completely off base with the all men have a primary love language and are ready for sex all the time. My husband could go months and months maybe even whole years (he has in the past)and has little to no desire to have sex…I know the old adage if he isn’t getting at home he is getting it somewhere but mine and several of my girlfriends husbands are not…cause guess what he never goes out, and now with shutdown he doesn’t leave the house without me ever, and he still doesn’t want sex, because he has to be 100% into it, and he is a workaholic…he stresses about everything and the last thing on his mind is sex. So not every guy is ready and always wanting everything to lead to sex. I on the other hand want it all the time, I want it all to lead to sex and would be happy with sex daily maybe even several times a day and require little to no mental preparation to be ready and willing…does this cause a issue in our marriage…hell yes…do we both need to find a middle ground definitely hell yes, but I don’t want my husband to have sex with me just cause I am pressuring him and to not be into it…I think it is unfair and off base to suggest this to either partner. Are there times when my husband needs to put my needs first and I need to put his first yes and we communicate these things…but this article is way off base.

    • This is an absolutely atrocious article from start to finish. Complete detritus. Many men don’t have touch/sex as their love language. To say that all male partners want interaction to lead to sex is off base and untrue.

      Telling women to suck it up and give their partners want thet want when they want sexually all the time is a horribly unhealthy suggestion. Women feeling pressured into sex regularly can often begin to harbor feelings of negativity about sex and intimacy and even their partners. This suggestion is asserting that women should force themselves into sexual situations that don’t want to have is absolutely disgusting.

  34. Wow this sure is a lengthy way of saying “women are objects, marital rape is okay.” I wouldn’t want him to have sex with me when he doesn’t want to, why should I not expect the same love and respect for my consent in return?

  35. I think it depends on how secure/insecure your husband is. My ex is extremely insecure and would be just as butthurt if I “took one for the team” as if I’d turned him down.

  36. For someone who recently loss her husband unexpectedly from a heart attack at 50. My biggest regret is not having more sex with my husband. I wish I could have one more time ! My husband didn’t push me but I turned him down more times than I should have and I now regret more than ever.
    Don’t have any regrets when the time comes.

  37. wow you have a weird view of men.
    also, trying to tell women to have sex they don’t want just to make a man happy is really damaging.

  38. This article is complete trash.

    Women, you NEVER should feel obligated to have sex. Ever.

    And you can not generalize men by saying every single mans main love language is touch.

    Trash topped with trash.

  39. Amazing how few women understand their men.

    Relationships are about collaboration. Relationships are an agreement. A contract based in love, respect and mutual support. That means different things to different people.

    Men do connect with their wives through physical intimacy. It’s how we are made and we shouldn’t be shamed for it. I’ll never be ashamed of wanting to feel close to my wife. I want to feel loved too.

    It never fails to baffle me that women’s priorities and focus change over the course of a marriage, but they expect their men to be the exact person they married and live up to all of the agreements they made.

    My wife wanted to stay home with the kids and I have provided for over 25 years. Her love language is security. What if I treated her love language like she treats mine and decided not to pay the mortgage? It’s stressful and exhausting to work all of the time and deal with never ending financial obligations. I’m tired too. I could be happy living in a tent. I do what I do because I love her and I promised her I’d live up to my end.

    Don’t expect your man to be your maximum if you resent being asked to be his minimum. If you resent your HUSBAND for wanting you, you shouldn’t be married.

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