An Open Letter to a Police Officer’s Wife

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Dear Police Officer’s Wife:

I stole your quote, but I made a few amendments. I hope you don’t mind. I don’t know if you have felt it, but I have certainly felt the tension lately. The relationship between black people and police is severely broken in this country. We’re all left with a multitude of feelings.


We’re not so different, you and I. We both love our husbands and want them to be safe.

Neither of us want to lose the father of our children, our life partners, our lovers. We are both scared right now, I get that.

I am sure your husband has been treated poorly in ways you will never understand, just like mine has.

Yours has probably had a gun drawn on him, just as has mine has. Your husband has probably been called horrendous names and judged solely based on his uniform just as mine has been judged based on the color of his skin.

We both lose sleep and we both worry because that’s what good wives do.

I’ll bet when you married a cop you had no idea what that truly meant.

I’ll bet he doesn’t even tell you the half of it because it would terrify you. What if I told you that I feel the exact same way being married to a black man?

I don’t fully comprehend what my husband experiences because I am white, just as you don’t fully comprehend because you are not an officer. We are both left in the dark at times, and that’s the scariest part of all…the unknown.

I don’t doubt that your husband is a good man with good intentions.

If you saw mine on the street would you have doubt? My husband doesn’t hate police, but he does not trust them.

I’ll bet, if you asked your husband about black men, he’d say the same. There’s so much mistrust and that brings fear. It’s fear that is so often confused with hate. Hate is a powerful word and I refuse to believe that there is so much of it.

I’ll make you a promise, if you can make one to me. The hate and the mistrust end with us.

We can change this; at least I hope we can. See, our kids have no comprehension of what is happening in our society right now. So, let’s teach our kids to love. You teach yours not to mistrust a person based on skin color and I’ll teach mine not to mistrust the badge.

We’ve come a long way in our society. For starters, not long ago my marriage was illegal. So, I suppose things have changed, but we still have so much work to do.

It’s our job as parents to not pass on that mistrust and hatred.

Those characteristics are not innate, but are learned. We are the teachers. It is our responsibility. Our kids both stand to lose their fathers in very violent ways, but let’s not allow that fear to bring about ignorant hatred.

My son thinks cops are heroes, he’s obsessed.

I refuse to tell him that not all people agree with that notion. I will teach him to respect officers and follow directions.

Will you teach yours to respect people of all color? I will teach my children to be proud of their African American heritage and their beautiful skin tone. Will you teach yours not to give them a reason to think otherwise?

The last I checked, we only have one planet that can sustain human life. We’re all here, for better or for worse.

Society has come a long way, but recent events have magnified the work we have yet to do. It’s our job.

We hold all responsibility. If our community still looks this way when our children are adults, it will have been our fault. I think we can do better and it starts at home.

I am scared. You are scared. I believe the energy from that fear can be put to good use. We are so much alike, my sister, because at the end of the day we are all just human.

I will do my very best to ensure a better future for our kids if you promise to do the same.

This post originally appeared on The Instagram page, Tortured By Toddlers

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Dear Police Officer’s Wife: ? I stole your quote, but I made a few amendments. I hope you don’t mind. I don’t know if you have felt it, but I have certainly felt the tension lately. The relationship between black people and police is severely broken in this country. We’re all left with a multitude of feelings. ? We’re not so different, you and I. We both love our husbands and want them to be safe. Neither of us want to lose the father of our children, our life partners, our lovers. We are both scared right now, I get that. ? I am sure your husband has been treated poorly in ways you will never understand, just like mine has. Yours has probably had a gun drawn on him, just as has mine has. Your husband has probably been called horrendous names and judged solely based on his uniform just as mine has been judged based on the color of his skin. We both lose sleep and we both worry because that’s what good wives do. ? I’ll bet when you married a cop you had no idea what that truly meant. I’ll bet he doesn’t even tell you the half of it because it would terrify you. What if I told you that I feel the exact same way being married to a black man? I don’t fully comprehend what my husband experiences because I am white, just as you don’t fully comprehend because you are not an officer. We are both left in the dark at times, and that’s the scariest part of all…the unknown. ? I don’t doubt that your husband is a good man with good intentions. If you saw mine on the street would you have doubt? My husband doesn’t hate police, but he does not trust them. I’ll bet, if you asked your husband about black men, he’d say the same. There’s so much mistrust and that brings fear. It’s fear that is so often confused with hate. Hate is a powerful word and I refuse to believe that there is so much of it. ? I’ll make you a promise, if you can make one to me. The hate and the mistrust end with us. We can change this; at least I hope we can. See, our kids have no comprehension of what is happening in our society right now. So, let’s teach our kids to love. You teach yours not to mistrust a person based on skin color and I’ll teach mine not to mistrust the badge. (Cont. in comments)

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