Annnnnd, just when you thought candy corn couldn’t get any worse…2020 happened. The company behind the popular Hallowe’en candy just released its latest version of the controversial treat on the world and all I can say is, ewwwww.
May I be the first to introduce you to Brach’s Turkey Dinner candy corn:
I really wish I was kidding right now. But alas, I AM NOT.
Illinois-based Brach’s has ditched the original candy corn flavoring I affectionately like to refer to as “ear wax” and replaced it with all the flavors befitting a Thanksgiving feast.
It’s a complete turkey dinner in a bag and includes not only the roasted turkey but an assortment of sides as well.
With green beans, cranberry sauce, ginger glazed carrot, stuffing, and sweet potato pie, who even needs a REAL Thanksgiving dinner anymore? Forget spending hours prepping a huge meal for the ones you love. Just throw a few of these bad boys onto a plate and call it a day.
Yeah, that’ll be a nope.
I mean, I get why they would want to change the flavor of candy corn (because it’s disgusting, sorry candy corn lovers, the truth hurts sometimes) but this? This is what they came up with?
People, have we learned nothing from the terrible tragedy that befell Miss Violet Beauregarde?
For those of you who need a refresher on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Willy Wonka invented a gum that contained an entire three-course dinner consisting of: tomato soup, roast beef with baked potato and blueberry pie with ice cream.
Violet, being the World Champion gum chewer that she was, refused to heed Wonka’s warnings that it wasn’t fit for human consumption.
And look where it got her.
Not that this will happen if you eat Brach’s Turkey Dinner candy corn, mind you. Obviously.
I’m sure it’s been through a rigorous testing process and has passed all of the requirements necessary to deem it edible. Which is completely open to interpretation, btw. Bear in mind that some people think that bull testicles are edible.
Regardless, I’m fairly certain that there are some of you out there who are excited about trying this, um, confectionary delight *cough*. And to you I say, it’s available at Walgreen’s.
For those of you who prefer a bit more information about what you’re in for before shelling out $2.99 for a 12-ounce bag, you’re in luck.
Instagram user, puppreviews, bravely went where many of us will NEVER go. Because we’re sane. And don’t have questionable taste buds.
He reviewed the Turkey Dinner candy corns and had this to say about each flavor:
Green Beans (all green): Sweet with that field-fresh after taste. Honestly, kind of enjoyable.
Turkey (Yellow bottom, brown tip): We’d say odd, but that would be forgiving. This flavor is downright wrong to be in candy, but still enjoyed the taboo experience.
Cranberry sauce (all red): Also delicious! Kind of sour-sweet.
Carrot (all orange): Sweet and delicious with a little bit of spice!
Sweet potato pie (white bottom, orange tip): Amazing! Great cinnamon flavor on the after taste.
Stuffing (brown bottom, white tip): Another forbidden fruit like the turkey one.
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Brach's Turkey Dinner candy corn: That's right! Brachs went all out and all, weird this year with a bag of candy corn brandishing SIX different flavors! Listed below is our impression on each along with what we believed the color combination was, in case you try them yourself. We admit, some of the flavors are hard to differentiate, so let us know if you think otherwise! Green Beans (all green): Sweet with that field-fresh after taste. Honestly, kind of enjoyable. Turkey (Yellow bottom, brown tip): We'd say odd, but that would be forgiving. This flavor is downright wrong to be in candy, but still enjoyed the taboo experience. Cranberry sauce (all red): Also delicious! Kind of sour-sweet. Carrot (all orange): Sweet and delicious with a little bit of spice! Sweet potato pie (white bottom, orange tip): Amazing! Great cinnamon flavor on the after taste. Stuffing (brown bottom, white tip): Another forbidden fruit like the turkey one. Credit to @connorpupp for the release information. Credit to @brachscandy for the daring creativity. Credit to @walgreens for the courageous supply order.
Which, quite frankly, is a lot more promising than I thought it would be. Does it mean that I’m going to rush on over to Walgreen’s to snag me a bag? Still no.
And based on the reactions on Twitter, I’m going to go out on a limb and say I’m not the only one.
I love candy corn, but … ??https://t.co/IISks8FMjm pic.twitter.com/F88B58jbWS
— Elvira (@TheRealElvira) August 12, 2020
Y'all ready to admit Candy Corn is the Devil's work yet? https://t.co/gZiH64RQSo
— Your New Supreme But You Can Call Me Kris (@RayvenMoon) August 12, 2020
While this may seem like a crazy departure for the candy company, it’s not the first time they’ve gone rogue with candy corn.
They’ve also offered flavors such as: caramel, caramel macchiato, pumpkin spice, S’mores, and Peanut Butter Cup.
Which, let’s face it, are a little more vanilla than say, turkey dinner flavored. But hey, why not? I can think of about a thousand reasons why not.
One thing is for certain, I don’t think candy corn is in danger of losing its 2019 Candy Store title as the “most-hated Halloween treat in the U.S,” any time soon. Although it is 2020 and if it has taught us anything, it’s that ANYTHING is possible.