Recently the CDC announced that people who test positive for Covid only have to isolate for 5 days, instead of the previously recommended 10 days.
In a media release on Monday, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said:
“Given what we currently know about COVID-19 and the Omicron variant, CDC is shortening the recommended time for isolation for the public.
People with COVID-19 should isolate for 5 days and if they are asymptomatic or their symptoms are resolving (without fever for 24 hours), follow that by 5 days of wearing a mask when around others to minimize the risk of infecting people they encounter.”
Additionally, the CDC recommends that anyone who is exposed to the virus who has not been vaccinated (or is 6 months past the mRNA second dose or 2 months after the J&J vaccine) should also quarantine for 5 days.
This should be followed by 5 days of mask use.
Anyone who has received their booster shot does not have to quarantine following exposure but should wear a mask for 10 days, just in case.
The change comes nearly two years after we were first introduced to the hellscape that is Covid-19.
— Amin M. Demerdash, MD (@amino15) December 28, 2021
CDC Director Rochelle Walensky told CNN that the shortened COVID-19 isolation guidelines were based on what the CDC “thought people would be able to tolerate.”
And what people can tolerate right now? Are jokes. A lot of ’em.
While Covid itself is no joke, the tweets this latest announcement have inspired most definitely are.
The hilarious people of Twitter have feelings about the CDC dialing back on restrictions in the midst of a tidal wave of new infections (thanks a lot Omicron).
And it just goes to show, dark humor is alive and well. And also a very valid coping mechanism (just saying).
The Twitterati are trolling the CDC with an endless stream of false statements that are notoriously bad ideas and passing them off as the CDCs. Each one starts with “The CDC Says” and they are as ridiculous as they are funny.
(Also, they’re not true. Don’t follow them.)
The CDC says vibes don’t lie…
The CDC says you can stop isolating if “the vibes are off”
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) December 28, 2021
…And neither do Tootsie Pops.
CDC says when you've reached the center of a Tootsie Pop, your quarantine is over.
— Algonquin K Farquhar, Esq (@buddhatree) December 28, 2021
The CDC says bangs are a good idea…
(Trust me when I say, bangs are NOT the cure to coping right now. Or ever.)
cdc says go ahead and get bangs
— Ygrene™ (2021 Edition) (@Ygrene) December 28, 2021
…and so is breakfast. So be sure to start your day off right – iced coffee and ibuprofen for the win.
The CDC now says a venti iced coffee and two ibuprofen is a balanced breakfast.
— Shailin Thomas (@shailinthomas) December 28, 2021
But don’t forget the Tide Pods, they’re nutritious too. So are those silica gel packs.
CDC says you can now eat the Silica Gel packet if you’re feeling a little peckish
— basement fire (@jerkheadface) December 28, 2021
As for the 5-second rule? It’s been updated.
The CDC says that the 5 second rule has been changed to 15 seconds. Pick that cookie up off the floor.
— Coll is Colling ?? (@BookSyrup) December 28, 2021
The CDC says it’s okay to get up close and personal…
cdc says to just go up and talk to her and just be yourself
— Laurence (@ibeonline) December 28, 2021
The CDC says just go out there and start licking people.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) December 28, 2021
And if it’s been 5 dates? Asking “what are we” is totally fine.
The CDC says you can now ask “what are we” after 5 dates.
— Alexandra Bucky Variant Chaos Magic Anderson (@AlexAndersonMD) December 28, 2021
Want to know what else is fine? The pull-out method, apparently.
the cdc says sex is just so much better without a condom and promises to pull out
— alyssugh (@alystentothis) December 28, 2021
And while we’re on the topic of vajayjays…the CDC says it’s time to switch up your habits…
The CDC says you can now wipe back to front
— Bog Witch Energy (@nohomelikeplace) December 27, 2021
…And maybe go for a run.
The CDC says you can now run with scissors.
— ???? Cat Herding Science Nerd ? (@catladyactivist) December 28, 2021
Do the hokie pokie, and turn ourselves around…that’s what it’s all about.
the CDC says if we all do the hokie pokie we can turn this thing around
— Maybe: Tom (@therealerevans) December 29, 2021
Now that the quarantine has been reduced, the CDC says it’s time to get back to work.
After all, that’s what breaks are for.
New guidelines – CDC now says to do your quarantine on your 30 minute break. ??
— ?????? (@001mellie) December 29, 2021
CDC recommends splitting up your quarantine over your two 15min breaks
— Zak Toscani (@zak_toscani) December 27, 2021
Oh, and don’t mind the fire on your way in.
CDC says it is now safe to return to work if your workplace is on fire.
— Emergency Pants (@zwnyc) December 28, 2021
And forget about stop, drop, and roll, the fire’ll go out all on its own. Maybe.
The CDC says we don't have to stop, drop and roll anymore. The fire will just go out on its own, maybe.
— ho baby 😉 AKA Randy (@ThisLocalHater) December 28, 2021
The CDC also says my momma don’t like you, and she likes everyone.
The CDC says my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone
— Katie Haller (@halleratyou) May 18, 2021
Including the cat.
the cdc says that cats can have little a salami,, as a treat pic.twitter.com/49BAVUo7ho
— roslyn talusan (@roslyntalusan) December 29, 2021
Although this tweet was probably written by the dog.
The CDC says it’s now ok to watch your dog stretch without saying “oooooh, BIG STRETCH”
— Sarah Axelrath, MD (@DrSarahAxelrath) December 28, 2021
Speaking of feeding animals…go ahead and feed Gizmo after midnight. It’s okay. Really.
The CDC says it's okay to feed your mogwai after midnight.
— ???? Hailey Piper ???? (@HaileyPiperSays) December 28, 2021
Because of course it is.
the CDC just announced you can fill a theme park with dinosaurs again if you really learned your lesson last time
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) December 28, 2021
I mean, it’s not like you’re going to die, or anything. Unless you watch the tape from the ring. Then, yeah, you’re totally gonna die.
cdc says you can now die 5 days after watching the tape from the ring instead of 7
— dave horwitz (@Dave_Horwitz) December 28, 2021
In all seriousness, we’re all sick and tired of this seemingly neverending pandemic. The people at the CDC probably are too.
It’s nice to be able to take a few moments and laugh, hysterically. (Because we’re all going slightly crazy.) After all, laughter is the best medicine and, quite frankly, waaaay better than crying. So thanks Twitter, for coming out to play and giving us all, not just the CDC, something to talk about.